Karena Dawn - The Big Silence: A Daughters Memoir of Mental Illness and Healing

Karenas revealing memoir is an example of personal transformation. She demonstrates how to overcome a life filled with trauma and family mental illness and how one can truly create a new journey with renewed sense of identity, hope, and optimism.

Deepak Chopra, #1 New York Times bestselling author

Karenas new book is about transformation. As she struggles to cope with her mothers mental illness, Karena learns its not about being perfect, but about striving each day to learn, accept, and forgive. Its about using tools like physical movement and meditation that will improve the quality of your life. That is transformation.

Jillian Michaels, #1 New York Times bestselling author

In honest and beautiful prose, Karena writes about confronting her struggles with bravery and courage, removing the stigma of mental illness and paving the way for others seeking empathy and acceptance.

Jewel, musician, songwriter, and New York Times bestselling author of Never Broken

Your book [will] reach the hearts and souls of everyone... [and] inspire.

Darlene Cordero, director of talent outreach at Chopra Global

Copyright 2022 by Karena Dawn

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

This book is a memoir detailing the authors recollections of past experiences. Some names and details may have been altered, and events and dialogue have been recreated.

Published by Flashpoint Books, Seattle
www.flashpointbooks.com

Produced by Girl Friday Productions

Cover design: Emily Weigel
Production editorial: Tiffany Taing
Project management: Reshma Kooner

Image credits: front cover and flap photo Nick Onken,
back cover courtesy of the author

ISBN (hardcover): 978-1-954854-49-9
ISBN (e-book): 978-1-954854-50-5

Library of Congress Number: 2022900322

First edition

Some incidents and dialogues are drawn from my imagination and are not to be construed as verbatim, even though they are all based on real characters, conversations, and events. Memories of my childhood are sparse. Perhaps hiding my memories was a way to protect myself. So, to write this book, I have compiled my story from personal journals and poems, my sister Rachels lyrics and poems, stories and song lyrics by my father, and my moms stories. I have credited my family whenever Ive included their poetry, journal entries, or songs, and have received permission for them to be included in this memoir. The flashbacks, memories involving conversations with other family members, songs, poems, essays, and journal entries from my childhood are italicized to differentiate them from the narrative.

Some places and many peoples names have been changed, along with some features and characteristics, to preserve their anonymity.

The emotions, the pain, the despair, the love, the hope, and the story are all real.

Homeless.

The woman hunched over the garbage can at the corner of a rest stop in Turkey Run State Park. Rummaging for something to eat, she pulled out discarded bags of fast food and found some cold, wilted french fries. Now and then, shed find part of a hamburger that had been thrown away. Her eyes darting all around to see if anyone was watching, she gobbled down a leftover sandwich, licking her dirty fingers afterward.

She was surely homeless. No one with a home would be that dirty. Or that hungry. Any passerby could see that her skin was hidden behind layers of grime and her hair hung like a tangled mop of brown, with long, straggly strings dangling over her shoulders. She wore a torn oversized sweaternot nearly thick enough to keep her warm on nights that dipped to near zerojeans that were several sizes too big, and a pair of mismatched hiking boots that probably came out of a dumpster, like her meal.

A man driving by didnt know what to do. Should he report her? He slowly pulled his car alongside the woman and rolled down his window. Hello! Hello! Is there anything I can do for you?

She whipped around as if she had been stung. The man was surprised too. What he saw was a face that looked much younger than shed seemed, and underneath that mop of dirty brown hair were shockingly bright and blue eyes.

This was my mother. A homeless person who ate out of garbage cans. Who had disappeared from our home and left me, my sister, and my father because she thought we were corrupted by Satan.

Time after time, we tried to help her escape the voices in her head. We tried to prevent her from running away from home and becoming homeless. I felt her guilt, her helplessness, and her desperate cries. I felt her frustration, her fear. There was so little I could do. Or that my sister could do. Or my father. Or my relatives. But we all tried.

It seemed that Mom always gave in, letting the illness take control. When I was younger, I thought she could fight back and was angry because I didnt think she tried hard enough. For us as a family. But as I have grown, Ive learned that mental illness is a powerful adversary and one of the most difficult challenges a person can ever endure. Not everyone succeeds in fighting back.

After trying to make things right and help my mother, I learned how to surrender to the fact of her illness and work to make my own life better. I also watched my father rise above it all. I tried to do the same, but in my youth, I wasnt always successful. Dad wasnt perfect, but I saw his faith and enormous strength, and, in time, that helped me overcome my anger and all the hardships so I could move forward.

Moms illness chiseled the skin off my bones until I was raw and ragged, but it helped shape me into the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. None of us is born a victim. We all endure grief and suffering in this life. No matter who you are, or how privileged, no matter the color of your skin or ethnicity, we all are faced with hardships. No one escapes this fact. When you realize that moments of suffering can be a gift, it will change you. Suffering teaches us to dig deep and find that inner core of courage, strength, and determination to move onward. To learn from the lessons and turn them into golden opportunities. You can be the hero of your own destiny. You can be the creator of your dreams, which can lead you to success in your career, relationships, and in love.

We all have a spark of greatness deep down within us. Its up to each and every one of us to uncover that greatness and become the better versions of ourselves. Not that its always easy; its not. And many people find it more comfortable to give up or blame someone else. But you dont have to do that. You can recognize that the pain and suffering are fine-tuning you and making you a better person.

Like everyone, I am a work in progress, and thats OK. I continually learn from my experiences, my mistakes, and my successes.

This is my story, but its also my mothers because its impossible to write mine without telling hers too. Her illness is a part of me. It is a part of my father, my sistermy family. It has been present in my daily thoughts as my biggest worry and also my biggest hope. It is the source of my strength and my fears, and it has formed the foundation of my present and future.