Louise Case - I Didnt Used To Be This Way

Charleston, SC
www.PalmettoPublishing.com

I Didnt Used To Be This Way

Copyright 2021 by Louise Case

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First Edition

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-63837-986-7
eBook ISBN: 978-1-63837-987-4

Everyone in this book has changed my life somehow. I cant really dedicate this to just one person. Thanks to the stay-at-home moms that mothered me. Thanks to my brother and his friends who had a bigger hand in raising me than they realize. Thanks to family who loved me even when I wasnt very loveable. Thanks to the friends that turned out to be family. Thanks to my stand-in dad Jack, and Kathy, who will forever be my parents, and Cate, whom I proudly call my sister. Thanks to Kayla and our childhoodafter college friendship and all that she did for me when others would have just walked right on by. Last but certainly not least, thanks to Ms. D, for without her, Id have never been a nurse, let alone on this planet. Thanks to anyone who took time to read this. I hope it helps someone.

N ursing school is hard. It doesnt matter which one you go to, or what kind of nurse youre studying to be, it just is. You learn a lot in the classroom and clinicals, but it's the life-ing that goes on around you while youre stressed to the max that really teaches you how to survive in this world. Your family life takes a beating, your romantic relationships become non-existent, and the only friends that you really see are the friends that youve made in class that are going through the same or similar struggles that you are. You get real good at internally falling apart while on the outside you look like youve got your shit together. You get good at going on autopilot. Emotions? Never heard of her. Most had a vice like partying and drinking to the point of puking or hooking up with someone at a party that you dont know. We all do what we have to do to get through this part of life. Until one day, you just dont. The bottom falls out, and no one is going to catch you.

In our intro class, we were told all of this and more. (Especially now that they had our money. No turning back now.) So many Nancy Nurses were ready to take on the world and make it better. They had no idea how by the end of the program that your outlook on life would change so drastically. Clinicals had a great way of making you lose faith in humanity in general. Just thinkWe were only wearing patches at this point, so it was the real nurses that truly had to deal with it. Dont get me wrong; students took their fair share of bullshit. If we were luckybig ifwe got to follow a nurse that liked to teach, and they generally would watch out for us. Some just watched us and let us drown. If you get nothing more from this book, if youre a nurse that precepts: Dont be a bitch. Read that again. You were once a baby nurse that didnt know anything. Sure, you passed the NCLEX, but that is just false hope that you knew what to do. Once your feet hit the floor, everything goes out the window. You have no idea what youre doing. Be a nurse youd want to work with. Help them. Give them breaks to go cry when they are overwhelmed. Dont forget that most things we were taught on a dummy, and we know the textbook way to do things. Teach them the real wayto do things. The way you do it when youre given too many patients, and it seems like everything is on fire. Pass on your tricks, your time savers teach them how to take care of the patient well and efficiently. Remember, weve had our noses in books for almost two years. We know nothing. We are newly licensed sponges. We are going to learn by watching and doing. We are just as lost as you were when you first started this thing well call a career. Remember that.

We were told that out of our small class of 15, at least two relationships would fail; we would all struggle with family and to buy our uniforms a size up due to the studying/stress eating. Oh yeah, and then they sneak in the, At least one of you will get pregnant. Most of these were correct. Actually, during the program, they were pretty spot on. (I ended up losing weight during the program, but keep reading and youll put it together.)

I moved from my tiny hometown (two stop lights and a Walmart at the time). My senior year was hellish. While most were partying and really enjoying their last year, I was homeschooled and had had brain surgery. Im talking about major surgery that the surgeon basically told me that Id throw a clot and would never make it off the table. Pretty scary to swallow at 18 years old. Obviously, I made it off the table because Im here to write about it. Another nursing tidbit: most specialists are dickheads that have a God complex. It doesnt matter if youre working with them or youre their patient. They have a talent that not many possess and have gone to school for years and years. I get it. You want someone that is going into your brain to be confident. There's a fine line between being confident and being cocky. Most specialists ride that line.

In my little town, there are two state universities that parents send their kids to. One is about 45 minutes away and is more of an agricultural school; one is about two hours away, and it seems to focus on everything else. I didnt get to go to either of these. My dad was a butcher with a gambling problem, and my mom was a nurse that always put work ahead of the family, except for when I got sick. That was the first and only time I can remember her taking off work to take care of one of her kids. She was so career and money driven that honestly, she should have never had kids. It wasnt until my brother and I were both adults that she admitted that, then conveniently forgot and denied it was ever said. If Ben hadnt been there, Id have probably somehow made myself think that I had dreamt it. Growing up she used to joke that I should have been in a jar, and it took me a few years to figure out that was her abortion joke. I was always the accident. That never really bothered me. My dad always said I was his baby girl, so it seemed to balance everything out in my head. She later found Jesus and conveniently forgot she ever said it. She forgot a lot of what she said and did. It's funny how people find a higher power when theyre circling the bowl and dont want to think of the idea that youre laid in the ground and slowly became worm food. So the idea of going to heaven was much easier to swallow, especially when she smoked herself into lung disease and worked herself into a wheelchair. She was so focused on being the best nurse, she didnt stop and take care of herself. She literally worked out of an electric wheelchair the last couple of years before she finally had to retire.

My brother, Ben, was cursed to be first born and missed out on a lot to take care of me. (He also took a lot of physical abuse that was meant for me.) Mom liked to hit. Moreover, she wanted to see us cry. Ben and I both got to the point where we wouldnt cry. Wed be damned if we would give her the satisfaction of seeing tears. Our grandma helped out a lot, but she only knew about half of the story. We knew better than to talk about it. We both had a couple of friends that were allowed to come into the house, and they were sworn to secrecy. Our house wasnt in great condition. The kitchen was literally coming off the house; it seemed like Dad had rigged the foundation with jacks somehow, but Im not completely sure of that. We had a basement that constantly flooded and had to be pumped out, making our yard a soggy mess that you really couldnt play in. Ben had a room, and Dad had a room. My mom usually slept on the couch, and I had a makeshift room in our walk-through den. I mostly slept with dad anyway. Ben was the oldest, so he of course got the other room. He also somehow worked full time at a fast food place and went to school. His grades werent perfect, but if he had had more encouragement, he would have been a straight A student. He was in FFA and was really good at public speaking, a trait that I think he still uses to this day that works to his advantage. He is honestly one of the smartest people that I know. Im talking about med school smart. I remember being heartbroken when he moved out as soon as he turned 18. I couldnt blame him though.