Rachel N. Paverman - To The Abyss

Charleston, SC
www.PalmettoPublishing.com

To The Abyss

Copyright 2022 by Rachel N. Paverman

All rights reserved.

No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
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First Edition

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-68515-899-6
eBook ISBN: 978-1-68515-900-9

In Loving Memory of Lauren Marie Brescia

a shining light when everything was dark
thank you for coming into my life
1983-2021

Some names and identifying details have been changed
to protect the privacy of individuals.

My journey has been a roller coaster, so Id like to take you back to the very beginning of this long and crazy story that I like to call life. I was born a normal, healthy child on July 29, 1994 in New Brunswick, NJ. I have two amazing parents named Alan and Stacey and an older sister, Rebecca. She is three years older than I am and we have always been extremely close. I grew up pretty comfortably in Manalapan, New Jersey on a quiet street where all of the neighborhood kids spent their time playing outdoors and enjoying the fresh air year round.

You name it, we did it- swimming, playing on the swing sets, jumping on the trampoline, lemonade stands, catching lightning bugs, playing manhunt, ordering all of the Spice Girls lollipops from the ice cream truck. And then during the winter we would build igloos, sled down the big hill in our neighbor Richie's backyard, have snowball fights. The best memory that I have of winters in Manalapan is when my dad used to tie our dog Ginger's leash to the handle of our sled. Ginger would sprint down the long and slushy street, pulling us one at a time on the sled. Ginger Spice (a yellow lab that was named after one of the Spice Girls) loved the snow!! She would always try biting it as it fell from the sky. Can you tell that my sister and I liked the Spice Girls growing up though?

I played soccer for as long as I can remember. My dad was always the coach of my team. I loved soccer so much. I always looked forward to the weekends because I had a game every Sunday. I was the goal scorer and I loved every bit of those years. I had a pretty damn good childhood, and some amazing memories growing up.

As I was growing up though, I remember that my parents werent the two happy parents in love that Id see on the tv. When they werent fighting with each other, they just werent talking to each other. They just co-existed. I dont remember them ever sleeping in the same room. The only time that my sister and I would have a babysitter was when my parents were attending a wedding or a special event. They never went out just to go on dates. My poor, poor babysitter though. I was literally a terror. I would give her such a hard time, especially when it was bedtime. My sister would pretend that she was going to sleep too and then once I was asleep, Rebecca would quietly emerge from her room to stay up later with the babysitter. I was such a little shit. My mom always made a joke that if I was the first born child, Id be an only child. What can I say- I was a rebellious kid. Sorry to all those that I tortured as a child- I swear I didnt mean it.

When I was twelve years old, my parents filed for their divorce. Although my sister and I knew that they had disagreements, we never thought that they would actually split up. We didnt know what real love looked like, but just assumed that their twisted relationship was normal because we didnt know any better. I remember overhearing a conversation between my parents once discussing details of their divorce before they actually told us that they were getting a divorce. I went straight to Rebecca with what I overheard. Dont be silly, Rach. They are fine. That's not true.

A couple of days later, our twelve and fifteen year old lives were turned upside down. Mom and dad sat my sister and I down to tell us that they were getting a divorce, we were moving to a new town, and Id have to start at a new school mid-year, at twelve years old. In 2007, I moved to a townhouse with my mom and my sister where we began living our new normal. It was really nice because my dad moved ten minutes away, so we would see him on the weekends, and occasionally during the week too. Soon after we adjusted to our new life, my mom was set up on a blind date that luckily introduced her to the man that's been in more than half of my life, Mike. Im not going to lie, I was a real bitch to him at first. What do you expect from a hormonal pre-teen who had just been thrown into a new house, new school, and now a new boyfriend that my mother was dating. It wasnt him, it was the shitty situation that I had a tough time dealing with. I honestly love Mike so much! He is so important to me and I am extremely grateful for him. He has taught me so much about life and I appreciate that man beyond measure. He is like a second father to me.

Starting at a new school in the middle of my tween years was rough for me. I had to make new friends, I had new teachers. Not one familiar face that I knew. It wasnt fun being the new girl at school. I hated having attention on me. On top of the big changes that were happening in my life, that's when I started to feel like something was off in my body. I guess you could call that stress, but to me, it was something that needed to be addressed. I longed for answers as to why I always felt fatigued, nauseous, dizzy and my brain felt foggy. I was told that it was just my anxiety and stress from my current life situation, but I didnt believe it. My mom brought me to multiple specialists until finally, we got an answer from a pediatric endocrinologist. She said that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and hypothyroidism.

That was the answer I was given for my many odd symptoms. It was weird to me that I was diagnosed with PCOS, because I was right at the peak of my hormones, and I wasnt overweight which was common with PCOS. I was a little twig. The doctor prescribed me two drugs that I was taking for a couple of weeks before I started getting extremely sick.

I had a rapid heartbeat, heart palpitations and more dizziness than before which landed me in the emergency room. At that point, we opted for an additional opinion to see if there was any other medication options that could help me. My new doctor's words were the first time that I heard this phrase, but definitely not the last time. Well, youre sort of in the gray area, she said, The numbers that came back from your blood test are slightly off, but it doesnt fully indicate to me that you have hypothyroidism or PCOS.

After that appointment, I stopped taking the two prescriptions all together, still longing for answers as to why I felt the way that I did- just not right. Not myself. The new doctor prescribed me birth control to regulate my hormones, since they were all wacky, plus my period was super irregular. It helped a little, and I was able to get by with minimized symptoms.