Mandy Steward - Thrashing About with God: Finding Faith on the Other Side of Everything

THRASHING ABOUT WITH GOD

Published by David C Cook

4050 Lee Vance View

Colorado Springs, CO 80918 U.S.A.

David C Cook Distribution Canada

55 Woodslee Avenue, Paris, Ontario, Canada N3L 3E5

David C Cook U.K., Kingsway Communications

Eastbourne, East Sussex BN23 6NT, England

The graphic circle C logo is a registered trademark of David C Cook.

All rights reserved. No part of this ebook may be reproduced, scanned, resold, or distributed by or through any print or electronic medium without written permission from the publisher. This ebook is licensed solely for the personal and noncommercial use of the original authorized purchaser, subject to the terms of use under which it was purchased. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights.

The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of David C Cook, nor do we vouch for their content.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE . Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

LCCN 2013938615

ISBN 978-0-7814-0825-7

eISBN 978-1-4347-0718-5

2013 Mandy Steward

Published in association with the literary agency of WordServe Literary Group, Ltd., 10152 S. Knoll Circle, Highlands Ranch, CO 80130.

The Team: Don Pape, John Blase, Amy Konyndyk, Nick Lee, Tonya Osterhouse, Karen Athen

Cover Design: Nick Lee

Cover Photo: Mandy Steward

First Edition 2013

Photo by Ian Norris

Mandy Steward is an author and artist in the midst of discovering her authentic Christian self. She believes all is mystery, and most days, she actually prefers that. She blogs her messes regularly at MessyCanvas.com. She also creates custom-painted and -inked Secret Messages, self-publishes a subscription-based zine of gypsy journalism, and is a passionate partner in a vision called TheArtJournaler.com. Her writing has appeared in Brio and Breakaway magazines. She is a wife and mother of four and lives with her family in Oklahoma City.

Visit DCCeBooks.com for more great reads.

Contents

To she who sits in the dark place with me.

To he who gives me space.

Chapter One

Dear Friend

I really want to write this book for you. I really want to invite you onto a narrow path of your own. I really want to convince you of a grace that allows for far more mess than you and I are even initially comfortable with. To remind you that while we technically cannot move out from under that grace once weve accepted it, sometimes it sure feels as if we have. There is a problem, though, in my periodic bouts of wanting to write for you, and that is that I am often supposing that your faith will play out according to my own. I caught myself doing this just yesterday.

A friend of mine wrote a blog post talking about his struggle to find his identity as an artist. He mentioned all the artistic hats he has tried to wear over the past few years, and he questioned whether any of those were what he should actually be doing with his life. Then he mentioned Jesus and how Jesus didnt die so he could wear an artistic hat; He died so we could be like Him.

I read the post and felt icky inside. I tried to make sense of why I was feeling that way. I could totally relate to being an artist who felt spun around by all the different possible roads to run down. Which to focus on? Who to be? How do I make any of these artistic pursuits my very own? But I couldnt relate to the part about Jesus. I disagreed.

I do believe Jesus died so I could be an artist. I do believe God pursued me in this way because He knew it was the only way I would be able to believe in a grace that was big enough to use even me. I do believe that if it werent for reading Galatians and becoming convinced of His grace for me, I never would have had the guts to write like I am writing now, and I so badly want to write with honesty. I do believe Jesus died so we could feel freed up to go after life to the full, so we would feel equipped to take risks and not beat ourselves up when we fail. He didnt die to make our lives look perfect. He died so we could stop feeling as if our lives have to be perfect for them to mean something.

I felt panic reading my friends blog post. Is he going to walk away from being an artist? Does he think he needs to search for ways to suffer for Christ instead of live for Him? Is he trying to rid himself of everything he enjoys so he can be sure hes matching Jesus hurt for hurt? Is he trying to perform his way into a life that looks like Christs and only pursue his art after he achieves this impossible perfection? Cue the feelings of fear and worry and despair. I had to stop him. I had to make sure he wasnt choosing legalism over love. I had to step in front of the train before it took him to a destination I felt sure he didnt want to go to. My intentions were gooda heartfelt plea for a dear friend who might be lost in a jungle he didnt intend to end up inbut there was a piece of me that was feeling a burden not my own.

He doesnt need you, my friend Teresa reminded me shortly after I left a couple of comments on my friends blog post and was still feeling uneasy about it all. I wasnt sure which he she was referring to. Was the he God, or was the he my artist friend who wrote the post? I decided it didnt matter. Both of them didnt need me. And you, dear reader of this book, you dont need me either.

I sat for a while in silence thinking about all this. I kind of maniacally laughed, wondering why I write at all then. Why create if Im not needed? I realized this isnt what Teresa meant. It isnt that the words God (the Muse) gives me cant be used; its that there is no pressure to have the words be perfect, to have the synapses be sterilely constructed. While its fine for me to write a heartfelt note to my friend, it isnt necessary for me to think that the richness and fullness of the life he has not yet lived are dependent upon me and my words. I dont have to make sure he gets it and stew that perhaps his faith isnt going to play out like mine.

The gut wrenching I felt was due to my belief that I must leave a comment, and it must solve everything. Because the Divine has opened my eyes to how He wants to interact with me, I figured I must be sure to open up everyone elses eyes accordingly, even if I had to pry them open with force and prop them open with toothpicks. Im giggling at how forcefully I can wield the sword of grace, which isnt meant to be a sword at all. The peace I longed for after reading my friends post could only be present if I left the comment and then walked away and waited on Gods timing of my friends unfolding, knowing the words could be helpful or could not be, and it didnt matter which was the case.