William J. OBrien - Loves Me Not: How to Keep Relationships Safe

This book is dedicated to the memory of my beloved daughter Sophie, along with Emily Longley, Christie Marceau, Helen Meads and the other 80 New Zealand women who have died at the hands of a partner or ex-partner in the six years since Sophie lost her life. RIP.

May their legacy encourage us to take a zero tolerance stand on violence, leading to a dramatic reduction in the deaths of women and children.

I agreed to write this book at the request of my publisher, Random House. Initially I thought it was beyond me as I am a nurse and mother not a trained counsellor. Sophie lived through a five-month-long relationship with a man who would eventually kill her. Because of the close relationship I had with Sophie I effectively lived the relationship also. But despite that, and despite all of the research I have looked at, I would like to make it perfectly clear I am not in any way trained for guidance counselling.

To ensure the information in this book is sound and therefore safe, I sought advice from numerous highly experienced professionals. I am indebted to the following people for their wisdom, expertise and guidance:

Nigel Latta, one of New Zealands best-known clinical psychologists and commentator on teenagers, for contributing the chapter One for the Boys.

Gayna McConnell, an experienced and respected school guidance counsellor, for her chapter, Navigating Love.

Although I wrote the sections Online Health Checks and Friends, along with other words of advice, I was only able to do so with the assistance of other guidance counsellors, including Jean Andrews, Heather Knox and Marcelle Nader-Turner. I very much appreciate their wise words.

To ensure this book would stand scrutiny I asked a range of people to review the manuscript independently. Thanks to Marie Norton and Jenny Corlet, school guidance counsellors who have experience as facilitators of the Year 12 workshop Loves-Me-Not. Also Rowan Milburn, assistant principal of a large co-ed school, who led one of the trials of Loves-Me-Not.

For a totally independent set of eyes the manuscript was sent to Graham Gibbs, a former police education officer experienced in programmes such as Keeping Ourselves Safe.

The expertise of all of these people has enabled me to write this book with confidence and I so very much appreciate your help.

I also want to thank Dr Alison Towns for allowing me to use interviews from her research into the Cultures of Cool.

The support of Eric and Sue Faesenkloet enabled me to set the wheels in motion to produce this book and the Zonta Organisation made it possible for the book to be printed and distributed to students. I am indebted to these people. A further acknowledgement to Zonta is included on page .

Thanks must also go to the publishers at Random House for their ongoing support of not only me but also the Sophie Elliott Foundation. To Barbara Larson and the team, a big thank you.

Finally I want to thank my co-author, Bill (William J) OBrien, for his unstinting support of me, the Sophie Elliott Foundation and the anti-violence cause. Bills inspiration comes from his two young granddaughters who, in a decade from now, will in all likelihood be heading into relationships of their own.

Lesley Elliott, 2014