John Scalzi - After the Coup

How well can you take a punch? asked Deputy Ambassador Schmidt.

Lieutenant Harry Wilson blinked and set down his drink. You know, there are a number of places a conversation can go after a question like that, he said. None of them end well.

I dont mean it like that, Schmidt said. He drummed the glass of his own drink with his fingers. Harry noted the drumming, which was a favorite nervous tell of Hart Schmidts. It made poker games with him fun. I have a very specific reason to ask you.

I would hope so, Harry said. Because as conversational ice breakers go, its not in the top ten.

Schmidt looked around the Clarkes officer lounge. Maybe this isnt the best place to talk about it, he said.

Harry glanced around the lounge. It was singularly unappealing; a bunch of magnetized folding chairs and equally magnetized card tables, and single porthole from which the yellowish green limb of Korba-Aty was glowing, dully. The drinks they were having came from the rack of vending machines built into the wall. The only other person in the lounge was Lieutenant Grant, the Clarkes quartermaster; she was looking at her PDA and wearing headphones.

Its fine, Hart, Harry said. Enough with the melodrama. Spit it out already.

Fine, Schmidt said, and then drummed on his drink some more. Harry waited. Look, this mission isnt going well, he finally said.

Really, Harry said, dryly.

Whats that supposed to mean? Schmidt said.

Dont get defensive, Hart, Harry said. Im not blaming you.

I just want to know how you came to that conclusion, Schmidt said.

You mean, how did I come to that conclusion despite the fact Im this missions mushroom, Harry said.

Schmidt frowned. I dont know what that means, he said.

It means that you keep me in the dark and feed me shit, Harry said.

Ah, Schmidt said. Sorry.

Its fine, Harry said. This is a Colonial Union diplomatic mission, and Im Colonial Defense Forces, and you dont want me seen by the Korba because you dont want my presence to be interpreted as provocation. So while the rest of you head down to the planet, and get to breathe real air and see actual sunlight, I stay up here in this latrine of a spaceship, training your technicians to use the field generator and catching up on my reading. Which is going well, incidentally. I just finished Anna Karenina.

How was it? Schmidt said.

Not bad, Harry said. The moral is to stay away from trains. The point is, I know why Im kept in the dark. Fine. Fair enough. But Im not stupid, Hart. Even if none of you tell me anything about the mission, I can tell its not going well. All of you deputies and assistants come back to the Clarke looking like youve had the crap beat out of you all day long. Its a subtle hint. He picked up his drink and slugged some back.

Hmm. Anyway, yes, Schmidt said. The mission isnt going well. The Korba havent been nearly as receptive to our negotiations as we thought they might be. We want to try something new. A new direction. A new diplomatic tack.

A new tack that is somehow focused on me getting punched, Harry said, setting his drink back down.

Maybe, Schmidt said.

Once or repeatedly? Harry asked.

I think that would depend on your definition, Schmidt said.

Of once? Harry asked.

Of punched, actually, Schmidt said.

I already have very deep reservations about this plan, Harry said.

Well, let me give you some context, Schmidt said.

Please do, Harry said.

Schmidt produced his PDA and began to slide it over to Harry, then stopped midway through the motion. You know that everything Im about to tell you is classified.

Good lord, Hart, Harry said. Im the only person on the Clarke who doesnt know whats going on. Harry reached over and took the PDA. On its screen was the image of a battle cruiser of some sort, floating near a skyscraper. Or more accurately, what was left of a skyscraper; it had been substantially destroyed, likely by the battle cruiser. In the foreground of the picture, small, vaguely-humanoid blotches seemed to be running from the ruined skyscraper. Nice picture, Harry said.

What do you think youre seeing there? Schmidt said.

A strong case for not letting trainees drive a battle cruiser, Harry said.

Its an image taken during the recent Korban coup, Schmidt said. There was a disagreement between the head of the military and the Korban civilian leadership. That skyscraper iswell, wasthe Korban administrative headquarters.

So the civilians lost that particular argument, Harry said.

Pretty much, Schmidt said.

Where do we come in? Harry asked, handing back the PDA. Are we trying to restore the civilian government? Because, to be honest about it, that doesnt really sound like something the CU would care about.

We dont, Schmidt said, taking back the PDA. Before the coup, the Korba were barely on our radar at all. They had a non-expansionist policy. They had their few worlds and theyd stood pat on them for centuries. We had no conflict with them, so we didnt care about them. After the coup, the Korba are very interested in expanding again.

This worries us, Harry said.

Not if we can point them toward expanding in the direction of some of our enemies, Schmidt said. There are some races in this area who are pushing in on us. If they had to worry about someone else, theyd have fewer resources to hit us with.

See, thats the Colonial Union I know, Harry said. Always happy to stick a knife in someone elses face. But none of this has anything to do with me getting punched in the face.

Actually, it does, Schmidt said. We made a tactical error. This mission is a diplomatic one, but the new leaders of Korba are military. Theyre curious about our military, and theyre especially curious about our CDF soldiers, whom theyve never encountered because our races have never fought. Were civilians; we dont have any of our military on hand, and very little in terms of military capability to show them. We brought them that field generator youve been training our technicians on, but thats defensive technology. Theyre much more interested in our offensive capabilities. And theyre especially interested in seeing our soldiers in action. Negotiations up to this point have been going poorly because were not equipped to give them what they want. But then we let it slip that we have a CDF member on the Clarke.

We let it slip, Harry said.

Well, I let it slip, actually, Schmidt said. Come on, Harry, dont look at me like that. This mission is failing. Some of us need this mission to succeed. My careers not exactly on fire, you know. If this mission goes into the crapper, Im going to get reassigned to an archive basement.

Id be more sympathetic if saving your career didnt require blunt force trauma for me, Harry said.

Schmidt nodded, and then ducked his head a little, which Harry took as something akin to an apology. When we told them about you, they got very excited, and we were asked by the Korbans new leadera direct request from the head of state, Harryif we would be willing to pit you against one of their soldiers in a contest of skills, Schmidt said. It was strongly implied it would make a real difference in the tenor of the negotiations.

So of course you said yes, Harry said.

Let me remind you of the part where I said the mission was going into the crapper, Schmidt said.

There is a small flaw in this plan, Harry said. Besides the part where I get the crap kicked out of me, I mean. Hart, Im CDF, but Im not a soldier. Im a technician. Ive spent the last several years working in the military science division of the Forces. Thats why Im here, for Gods sake. Im training your people to use technology we developed. Im not training them to fight, Im training them to twirl knobs.