John Scalzi - Uncle Johns Presents Book of the Dumb 2

UNCLE JOHNS PRESENTS
BOOK OF THE DUMB 2

Copyright 2004 by Portable Press. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Portable Press/The Bathroom Readers Institute

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Printers Row Publishing Group is a division of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.

The Portable Press, Bathroom Readers Institute, and Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader names and logos are registered trademarks of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.

All correspondence concerning the content of this book should be addressed to Portable Press/The Bathroom Readers Institute, Editorial Department, at the above address.

Project Team

Amy Briggs, Editor

Allen Orso, Publisher

JoAnn Padgett, Editorial and Production

Michael Brunsfeld, Cover Design

Kaelin Chappell, Interior Design

Susan Gerber, Composition and Layout

eISBN: 978-1-60710-686-9

E-book edition: October 2012

This book is dedicated to Dora and Mike Blauser, my in-laws, because this is the only way either of them would ever show up in a book like this. Much love to the both of you.

This is the second book in the Dumb series, and Im pleased to note that it was as much fun the second time around as it was the first time (how often can you say that about anything?). Here are some of the people who helped to make it so.

First, big thanks to my Beta Readers, who took a look at the raw articles and offered grammar and story suggestions. Most particularly, thanks to (in no particular order) Richard Jones, Duncan McGregor, Zeynep Dilli, Dave Ciskowski, Tony Dismukes, David Hodson, Christopher Nelson, Kevin Hicks, Laurel Halbany, and Aaron Brown. Once again, Im sure a few names have slipped my mindI beg forgiveness.

Much of the research for this book was done via the Internetan obscure computing network that many people dont know about, but which I think will be big one day. You heard it here first. Yet again, the site that was the biggest help in gathering stories was FARK.com, whose tireless band of Farkers post crazy stories of people doing insane things at all hours of the day and night. To proprietor Drew Curtis and his merry crew, I reiterate my claims of much rockage. France surrenders. Your dog wants steak. Still no cure for cancer. Many thanks.

At Portable Press, editor Amy Briggs was paid to put up with me, and Im sure they didnt pay her enough for what I put her through. Many thanks to her for giving the book structure and focus. Thanks also to JoAnn Padgett, Allen Orso, Kristen Marley, and Mana Monzavi, fine people all.

My wife Kristine and daughter Athena make this universe a better place to be in, and whenever I marveled at the absolutely inane things people do with themselves, as I of course frequently did in writing this book, it was nice to be able to look to them for counterbalance. All my love to them, today, tomorrow, and on and on.

Welcome to the world of the dumb. Again.

In this second foray into a place where bizarre events occur, the odd is commonplace, the eccentric is everyday, the weird is a walk in the park, and people definitely DO do the strangest things in the strangest placesthey still all share one thing in common. No matter what the occasion or locationwhen these folks came to the party, they all checked their brains at the door.

Thanks to the verbal prestidigitations of John Scalzi, Uncle Johns very own ringmaster of the absurd, we think that their faults, foibles, mistakes, and misdemeanors make for some pretty darned interesting reading. Sit back, relax, and read all about:

Setting off fireworks, indoors;

Mixing polar bears and cookies;

Drinking mystery fizz from chemistry class;

Breaking out of jail for a beer run; and many, many more!

These stories are like potato chips; bet you cant read just one... and we hope you enjoy them down to the last crumb. Theyre a no-fat, zero-carb snack for your brain.

Bon appetit,

Uncle Al

Publisher

Im going to let you all in on a secret: When writing a book like Book of the Dumb 2, the question is not: Will I find enough stuff to write an entire book? The question is: Aaaaaugh! Theres too much stuff! What do I choose?

Its no joke. Every day during the writing of this book there would be eight, ten, or even twelve stories Id read that would be a truly excellent fit for Book of the Dumb 2. Its an embarrassment of riches. This is good for us, the people who make the book, but at the same time it also makes us wonder about the sort of world were living in. Well, well let someone else bother with the philosophical and sociological ramifications of such an avalanche of dumbosity. For us, and for this book, we just want to have fun with it all.

And so: Book of the Dumb 2, with its stories lovingly hand-picked for their extra special dumbness. Im proud to say that once again, the stories and the people in them run the gamut, from common thieves to uncommon celebrities, from the very smart (who should know better) to the very, well, not smart. As I mentioned in the introduction to the first book, its not just stupid people who do dumb things. Everybody does them. They are the great leveler in our world. Dumb moves are perhaps the most democratic expression of the human condition we have. Also, theyre good for a laugh. You cant beat that.

Those of you who are picking up this book without having read the first Book of the Dumb dont need to worrythis book is self-contained, so jump right in and enjoy it. Those of you who did read the first Book of the Dumb, however, will notice a couple of changes. Most obviously, the book is now arranged by chaptersso if you want to just read stories about people behind the wheel or getting stupid with fire, you dont have to hunt through the book: theyre all in one place for you. And there are other new bits as well:

Dim Bulbs In Bright Lights: A collection of films featuring famously dumb characters: From Jeff Spicoli to the dudes from Dude, Wheres My Car?, all your favorite cinematic idiots are here.

The Annals of Ill-Advised Television: You know how every year, there are some TV series where you just look at them and think: how on earth did THAT get on the air? This is a celebration of those shows. Weve got shows that should have killed off the whole broadcast medium, yet somehow strangely did not.

All of this on top of favorite features from the first book: The Really Stupid Quizzes, and Tips for Stupid Criminals. And of course, many, many tales of dumbness that you have every right to expect from a book entitled Book of the Dumb 2.

Have fun with the book, and remember: dont ever let any of these things happen to you.

Enjoy!

John Scalzi