John Michael Scalzi - Uncle Johns Presents: The Book of the Dumb
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A celebration of dimwits, lunkheads, bad ideas and just plain wrongheaded foolishness. In every field of human endeavor, there are people, things, and ideas that rank among the best mankind has ever produced. This book isnt about any of that stuff. If theres one thing human history teaches us, over and over and over again, its this: Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Time and again, the human capacity to do really dumb things pops up in surprising and sometimes unusually inventive ways, and almost always catches those who do the dumb things by surprise. From crashed Mars landers to vegetable-flavored Jell-O to land wars during bitterly cold Russian winters, The Book of the Dumb chronicles some of the biggest moments in human folly in every field of human endeavor. Author John Scalzi (a frequent contributor to the Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader series) takes the reader through the whole of recorded history, looking for the best examples of the worst ideas, regrettable utterances, and crackpot theories in the fields of arts, science, politics, sports, entertainment, and more.
John Michael Scalzi: author's other books
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I had a big old ball of fun writing this book, and much of the reason for that is that I had help and encouragement from some great folks. Here are some of them.
First, the Beta Testers who read the pieces as I cranked them out and offered suggestions and comments. They are (in no particular order): Daniel Mainz, Kathy Haggerty, Nicolas Condon, Bill Dickson, Heather Coon, Roger Baker, Mykal Burns, Stephanie Lynn, Sue Irvin, Jeffrey Brown, Natasha Kordus,
Ed Thibodeau, Lisa Ferris, and Cian Chang. Im sure I missed a couple; you know who you are and I thank you.
Among the beta testers, Id like to single out Bill Peschel, who offered editing suggestions for just about every entry. Thanks, Bill, I really appreciated it. Ive said it before, but its worth saying one more time: you rock.
The writing of this book would not have been possible without the existence of the Internet and the World Wide Web (well, it would have been possible, it just would have driven me insane), so thanks to Tim Berners-Lee for inventing the Web and those crazy kids at ARPANET for thinking up this whole Net thing.
But more immediately, mad crazy props to Drew Curtis and all the members of Fark.com. If you dont know Fark, its a site whose members link to strange and bizarre news stories from all around the world, thus making my job that much easier. For doing so, Fark.com gets my vote for the Greatest Web Site Ever. Thanks, Drew; thanks, Farksters.
At Portable Press, Id like to thank the people who actually put the book together and put the text into workable order: JoAnn Padgett, Jennifer Thornton, Amy Shapiro, and Amanda Wilson. Michael Brunsfeld put together the cover: I thank him.
Thanks to Kristine and Athena Scalzi for being my wife and child, respectively. Theyre harder jobs than one might think.
THE ANSWER ZONE
Below are answers to the Really Stupid Quizzes.
1. Escaped Prisoners (page 29) Answer: #2
2. Wacky World Leaders (page 39) Answer: #1
3. Artsy-Fartsy (page 68) Answer: #3
4. Sensitivity (page 191) Answer: #3
5. Those Crazy Teens! (page 202) Answer: #1
6. Those Disturbing Animals! (page 224) Answer: #3
7. Bureaucracy in Action (page 249) Answer: #2
8. The World of Fashion (page 269) Answer: #1
9. Stupidity at Work (page 284) Answer: #2
10. The Rocky Road to Love (page 297) Answer: #2
Uncle Johns Bathoom ReaderClassic Series
Find these and other great titles from the Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader Classic Series online at www.bathroomreader.com. Or contact us at:
Bathroom Readers Institute
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
(888) 488-4642
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
(888) 488-4642
Also available fromUncle Johns Bathroom Reader!
THE LAST PAGE
All good things must come to an end and now is the time to stand up and be counted.
We thank you for your support, and, as always, we look forward to your thoughts, comments, critiques, and (we hope) approval.
For correspondence or comments, contact us at: Uncle Johns Presents Portable Press 5880 Oberlin Drive San Diego, CA 92121
E-mail: unclejohn@advmkt.com
And please consider this your gold-plated invitation to become a member of the Bathroom Reader Society. To join, please contact us through our members Web site (www.bathroomreader.com).
Look for new Uncle Johns Presents productions, coming soon to bookstores everywhere:
Uncle Johns Presents: The Great State of Texas Uncle Johns Presents: The Book of Moms Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader Puzzle Book #2 Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader for Kids Only #3
Enjoy!
A BAD ERA FOR SENSIBLE SHOES
In Cinderella (and were talking about the real fairy tale, not the sanitized, Disney version), Cinderella loses her slipper and the princes men search the kingdom looking for the tiny foot that fit it, with the payoff that whoevers foot fit would marry the prince and one day become queen.
Cinderellas evil stepsisters were so determined to succeed that when it came time to try the slipper on, they chopped off their own toes to get their feet to fit.
Well, it didnt work, of course, and in the end Cinderella married the prince while the evil stepsisters had their eyes pecked out by birdswithout their toes, they couldnt run away. We cant understand why Disney didnt want to animate this version of the story. The real moral to the Cinderella story: Despite what you may think, some shoes just arent worth the pain.
This Little Piggy Went to the Doctor
Apparently some women would beg to differ: the Sunday Times of Australia reported in August 2003 on the latest trend for some women who are clearly far too concerned about fashion: reconstructive foot surgery to fit those toes into the latest Jimmy Choos and other high-end shoes. The story profiles two women who had their feet done for their shoes sake; one of them is described as a fashion victim of the cult for Manolo Blahnik, whose foot surgery included shortening one toe, repositioning another, and cutting off a bunion, and who scheduled the surgery in February in order to be ready for the summer shoe-wearing season.
Ironically, the sanest people in this story turn out to be the foot doctors themselves. Dr. Suzanne Levine, who does hundreds of foot surgeries every year, said: Ive had people ask for toe liposuction. I tell them to go see a therapist. The cost of one of these operations: about $5,000 or so. We were praying this was one of those hoaxes you hear so much about until we found supporting interviews from a third source with both the fashion victim and Dr. Levine. Its true. Horribly, painfully true.
Just Take Em Off, Lady
Our first reaction when shoes make our feet feel bad is to stop wearing them. So for everyone whod cut up their own feet for the sake of fashion, we have two pieces of advice. First, get a grip. Second, watch for flocks of vengeful, pecking birds. Or at least learn how to sprint to safety in your Manolo Blahniks. Mind your toes.
Sources: Sunday Times (Australia), WHDH-TV
There are well-dressed foolish ideas just as there are well-dressed fools.
Nicolas Chamfort
DUDE,WHERES MY CONDO?
And now, the Book of the Dumb Players present Dude, Wheres My Condo? A play in four acts!
ACT I: A Condo in Summit County, Colorado. The Occupants, BRENDA and JEFF, stand by the door.
Brenda: What a gorgeous night! We should do something with this glorious evening. Something together.
Jeff: I suggest drinking until we can barely think.
Brenda: Yeah, that works for me. (They exit.)
ACT II: A Condo in Summit County, later that same night. BRENDA and JEFF enter through the door and woozily turn on the lights.
Brenda: Oh my God, weve been robbed!
Jeff: They took everything! They took our TV! They took our paintings! They took our kitchen appliances!
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