John J. Kohut - Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest: True News of the Worlds Least Competent People

DUMB,

DUMBER,

DUMBEST

True News of the World's

Least Competent People

Compiled by John J. Kohut & Roland Sweet

A PLUME BOOK.

PLUME

Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Books USA Inc., 375 Hudson Street,

New York, New York 10014, U. S. A.

Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, England

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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

First published by Plume, an imprint of Dutton Signet, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.

First Printing, March, 1996 3579 10 864

CopyrightJohn J. Kohut and Roland Sweet, 1996 All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARK-MARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Dumb, dumber, dumbest: true news of the world's least competent people / compiled by John J. Kohut and Roland Sweet.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-452-27595-4 1. Curiosities and wonders-Humor. I. Kohut, John J.

II. Sweet, Roland. PN6231. C85D86 1996

081-dc20 95-37810

CIP

Printed in the United States of America Set in ITC Century Book

Designed by Jesse Cohen Portions of this book first appeared in The National Enquirer.

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

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For Shemp

Introduction

Stupid is as stupid does. Indeed! Leery of highbrows and smarty-pants, today's egalitarian-minded Americans revere Beavis & Butt-head, Ren and Stimpy, Wayne and Garth, Dumb and Dumber and other appeals to the lowest common denominator.

The Baltimore Sun decried this dumbing of American culture, lamenting the "wretched excess" of lowbrow. The "New Stupidity, " the New York Times dubbed it. Spy magazine devoted seven pages to "Why It's Not So Smart to Be Smart Anymore, " observing, "idiocy is being celebrated as something noble and pure. "

Once, we extolled true heroes. Now we glorify screw-ups, misfits, and lunkheads.

Of whom there is no shortage. Kato Kaelin is just a drop in the bucket.

Why is nincompoopery so popular? Historian Richard Hofstadter noted in his study, Anti-Intellectualism in American Life, that dumbness is a recurring cycle in American history. H. L. Mencken warned that the "booboisie" were a force to be reckoned (but never reasoned) with. Voters scorned Adlai Stevenson because he was an egghead. They adored Dan Quayle because he wasn't-plus, he made George Bush look smart.

In his 1970 lowdown on lowbrows, TheRoob Revolution, Roger Price quoted comedian Fred Allen. Asked where his audiences came from, Allen suggested, "There's a slow leak in Iowa."

Today, intellectual downplay is transcontinental. Global. Newspapers brim with examples.

Here's just one. Students representing Chicago's Steinmetz High School in a 1995 statewide academic decathlon finished first but were stripped of their title after the runners-up accused them of cheating. The second-place team's only evidence was the Steinmetz team's unusually high score on the day-long oral and written exams: 49, 000 of a possible 60, 000 points. The second school, which had won the previous nine competitions, charged that Steinmetz couldn't possibly have scored so high without cheating. That made sense to the Illinois Academic Decathlon Association. "You try to excel, " Steinmetz team member Maciej Rupar, 17, said. "You do your best, and the people try to take it away for no reason. "

Want more proof that mediocrity pays? Florida real estate investor Edward Seese left $4. 5 million-30 percent of his fortune-to Broward Community College to fund 250 scholarships a year for C students. Seese's lawyer, Bill Leonard, explained that Seese didn't want average students to "be left out in the cold. "

Such a climate made this book possible. It chronicles the most outrageous occurrences of shortsightedness, incompetence and poor judgment. Not just in the United States, but worldwide. Crooks and bureaucrats dominate.

Not all characters in these dispatches are stupid, we hasten to point out. Some are merely ridiculous or momentarily inept. Others are very bright people who became innocently entangled in improbable situations that turned out sounding stupid in newspaper accounts.

The papers that reported these occurrences are all reputable, mainstream bastions of journalism. As always, we dip our scissors in salute to the diligent reporters and sleeves-rolled-up editors who shepherded these strange stories into newsprint. Their efforts are responsible not just for the 500-plus items in this book, but also for the many others that we didn't have room for.

Perhaps you have clipped and saved an example or two of your favorite stupid human tricks. We would love to see copies. Send, with source and date, to:

Strange News P. O. Box 25662 Washington, D. C. 20007

And now, dispatches from a strange planet.

DUMB HAPPENS

Hey, Moe!

Hey, Larry!

Brazilian farm worker Francisco Asis dos Santos was so desperate to stop the pain from an aching tooth that he put a pistol in his mouth and fired. The Globo network reported that when Santos arrived at the local hospital, doctors found that he had shot out his eye, but the aching tooth remained.

While hunting with a 17-year-old friend in Bloomfield, Indiana, Jack Constable, 18, shot a squirrel, then decided to play a trick on his friend. He hid behind a tree, picked up the squirrel and, hoping to attract his companion's attention, moved it around as if it were running. The 17-year-old fell for the ruse and fired his 12-gauge shotgun. The scatter shot wounded Constable in both hands, the left knee and the abdomen.

When two men broke into his office in Milan, Italy, professional hypnotist Filadelfio Munafo, 39, put them in a trance-or so he thought until he told them to hand over their guns and they shot him. He explained later, "I was sure I had them in my power."

To meet the Japan Sumo Association's minimum height requirement of 5-foot-8, 16-year-old aspirant Koji Harada had six inches of silicone implanted under his scalp, creating a large hairy lump atop his box-shaped head.

Romanian prisoners began hammer ing nails into their skulls to avoid hard labor. Inmates said they bang in the nails by hitting their heads on the wall, but guards insisted they use metal tea cups, according to Dr. Florin Vesa, head of the Galati County hospital. He noted that in just five months he operated on 17 inmates with nails in their head. "They only choose the rusty ones, " he said, "and they put excrement on them. "

After a witness told the Fremont County, Colorado, sheriff's office that he had seen a small plane plunge nose-first behind a hill, authorities launched a two-day air and ground search. According to Undershenff Dale Rea, searchers were puzzled because they couldn't find the aircraft. Then a passing truck driver stopped at the searchers' command post and "told us he had also seen the aircraft go down, but he said it was just a big radio-controlled model airplane with about an eight-foot wingspan."