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Copyright 2018 Portable Press
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Printers Row Publishing Group is a division of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.
Portable Press, Bathroom Readers Institute, and Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader are registered trademarks of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.
All notations of errors or omissions should be addressed to Portable Press, Editorial Department, at the above address.
Publisher: Peter Norton Associate Publisher: Ana Parker
Publishing/Editorial Team: Vicki Jaeger, Tanya Fijalkowski, Lauren Taniguchi
Editorial Team: JoAnn Padgett, Melinda Allman, Dan Mansfield
Production Team: Jonathan Lopes, Rusty von Dyl
Cover design by Rusty von Dyl
eBook ISBN: 978-1-68412-392-6
eBook Edition: June 2018
Articles in this edition have been included from the following books:
Uncle Johns Giant 10th Anniversary BR 1997
Uncle Johns Absolutely Absorbing BR 1999
Uncle Johns All-Purpose Extra-Strength BR 2000
Uncle Johns Supremely Satisfying BR 2001
Uncle Johns Ahh-Inspiring BR 2002
Uncle Johns Electrifying BR for Kids Only! 2003
Uncle Johns Presents Book of the Dumb 2003
Uncle Johns Unstoppable BR 2003
Uncle Johns Book of Fun BR For Kids Only! 2004
Uncle Johns Slightly Irregular BR 2004
Uncle Johns BR Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes 2004
Uncle Johns BR Tees Off on Golf 2005
Uncle Johns Fast-Acting Long-Lasting BR 2005
Uncle Johns BR Christmas Collection 2005
Uncle Johns BR Book of Love 2006
Uncle Johns Curiously Compelling BR 2006
Uncle Johns BR Wonderful World of Odd 2006
Uncle Johns BR Quintessential Collection of Notable Quotables 2006
Uncle Johns Triumphant 20th Anniversary BR 2007
Uncle Johns BR Takes a Swing at Baseball 2008
Uncle Johns Unsinkable BR 2008
Uncle Johns Certified Organic BR 2009
Uncle Johns Endlessly Engrossing BR 2009
Uncle Johns Heavy Duty BR 2010
Uncle Johns BR The Worlds Gone Crazy 2010
Uncle Johns BR Plunges Into New York 2011
Uncle Johns BR Tunes Into TV 2011
Uncle Johns BR Vroom! 2011
Uncle Johns 24-Karat Gold BR 2011
Uncle Johns The Enchanted Toilet BR For Kids Only! 2012
Uncle Johns Kid-Topia BR For Kids Only! 2012
Uncle Johns BR Nature Calls 2012
Uncle Johns BR Plunges Into California 2012
Uncle Johns Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary BR 2012
Uncle Johns Perpetually Pleasing Bathroom Reader 2013
Uncle Johns Canoramic Bathroom Reader 2014
Uncle Johns Factastic Bathroom Reader 2015
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, weve
divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Shorta quick read
Medium2 to 3 pages, but still brief
POTTY ALL THE TIME
Short
Medium
MALICE IN BLUNDERLAND
Short
Medium
FASHION DONTS & DONTS
Short
Medium
THE BOOB TOOB
Short
Medium
FOR SALE BUY OWNER
Short
Medium
ITS SCIENCE!
Short
Medium
JOKESJOKESJOKESJOKES
Short
Medium
TALK WORDY TO ME
Short
EW, THIS TASTES FUNNY
Short
Medium
TWO THUMBS UP YOURS
Short
Medium
THE WILD SIDE
Short
Medium
LIFE & DEATH
Short
Medium
ODDBALLS
Short
Medium
STUPID TECHNOLOGY
Short
Medium
WRONG ARM OF THE LAW
Short
Medium
CHILDS PLAY
Short
UNHELPFUL HINTS
Short
Medium
JOCKULARITY
Short
Medium
SAY IT, DONT SPRAY IT
Short
NICE WORK IF YOU CAN AVOID IT
Short
Medium
PRANK YOU VERY MUCH
Short
Medium
GET LIT
Short
Medium
TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
Short
Medium
SONG & DUNCE
Short
Medium
WHATEVER
Short
Medium
MASTERS OF COMEDY
Short
Medium
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Medium
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.
Doug Collins, basketball analyst
INTRO-DUCK-TION
W henever I tell people that I make Uncle Johns Bathroom Readers for a living, they either say, Uncle Whooeys What? and then give me a strange look. Or, if they know the series (whew!), they often say, Oh, your books are so funny!
Which I find a bit odd. I mean, sure, we can be found in the humor section, but we never actually set out to make a funny book. Rather, we try to pack our books full of entertaining articles that are fun to read. Many of them happen to be funny. And because a lot of our articles are on the serious side, we offset them with sillier stuff. Thats where this book comes in.
For the New & Improved Funniest Ever, we pored through the entire Bathroom Reader seriesthats more than 120 books spanning 30 yearsto find the most hilarious reading that has ever graced our pages. We really pulled out all the stops by mixing and matching and massaging our best stuff to take it to a whole new level of humor. Inside these pages youll find the original tickle your funny bone hits and soon-to-be-favorites as well.
Result: This is the funniest book in the history of Western civilizationnow even newer and more improved! You think Im kidding? In what other single book will you find cheesy action movie one-liners, stories of real-world irony (take that, Alanis Morissette), glorious government goofs, and a story about a cow with such awful flatulence that she became a four-legged flame-thrower? Whatever your preferred brand of humorlight or dark, crass or clever, or just plain weirdyoull find it splattered all over these pages.
Before you dive in, wed like to take this opportunity to thank YOU, our loyal readers. Without you, were just cracking ourselves upand its much funnier when someone laughs along. So happy reading! And as always