Bathroom Readers Institute - Uncle Johns Funniest Ever Bathroom Reader

By the
Bathroom Readers
Institute

Bathroom Readers Press

San Diego, California

UNCLE JOHNS FUNNIEST EVER
BATHROOM READER

Copyright 2013 Portable Press

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Portable Press/The Bathroom Readers Institute

An imprint of Printers Row Publishing Group

10350 Barnes Canyon Road, Suite 100

San Diego, CA 92121

www.bathroomreader.com

e-mail: mail@bathroomreader.com

Printers Row Publishing Group is a division of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.

The Portable Press, Bathroom Readers Institute, and Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader names and logos are trademarks of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.

Articles in this edition have been included from the following books: Uncle Johns Giant 10th Anniversary BR 1997; Uncle Johns Absolutely Absorbing BR 1999; Uncle Johns All-Purpose Extra-Strength BR 2000; Uncle Johns Supremely Satisfying BR 2001; Uncle Johns Ahh-Inspiring BR 2002; Uncle Johns Electrifying BR for Kids Only! 2003; Uncle Johns Presents Book of the Dumb 2003; Uncle Johns Unstoppable BR 2003; Uncle Johns Book of Fun BR For Kids Only! 2004; Uncle Johns Slightly Irregular BR 2004; Uncle Johns BR Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes 2004; Uncle Johns BR Tees Off on Golf 2005; Uncle Johns Fast-Acting Long-Lasting BR 2005; Uncle Johns BR Christmas Collection 2005; Uncle Johns BR Book of Love 2006; Uncle Johns Curiously Compelling BR 2006; Uncle Johns BR Wonderful World of Odd 2006; Uncle Johns BR Quintessential Collection of Notable Quotables 2006; Uncle Johns Triumphant 20th Anniversary BR 2007; Uncle Johns BR Takes a Swing at Baseball 2008; Uncle Johns Unsinkable BR 2008; Uncle Johns Certified Organic BR 2009; Uncle Johns Endlessly Engrossing BR 2009; Uncle Johns Heavy Duty BR 2010; Uncle Johns BR The Worlds Gone Crazy 2010; Uncle Johns BR Plunges Into New York 2011; Uncle Johns BR Tunes Into TV 2011; Uncle Johns BR Vroom! 2011; Uncle Johns 24-Karat Gold BR 2011; Uncle Johns The Enchanted Toilet BR For Kids Only! 2012; Uncle Johns Kid-Topia BR For Kids Only! 2012; Uncle Johns BR Nature Calls 2012; Uncle Johns BR Plunges Into California 2012; Uncle Johns Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary BR 2012

All correspondence concerning the content of this book should be addressed to Portable Press/The Bathroom Readers Institute, Editorial Department, at the above address.

Cover design by Lidija Tomas, lidijatomasdesign@yahoo.com

eISBN: 978-1-60710-929-7

eBook edition: October 2013

THANK YOU!

The Bathroom Readers Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

Gordon Javna

Jay Newman

Trina Janssen

John Dollison

Brian Boone

Thom Little

Kim Griswell

Jeff Altemus

Dave Blees

Lidija Tomas

Dan Mansfield

Melinda Allman

Aaron Guzman

Blake Mitchum

Angela Kern

John Scalzi

Megan Todd

Jennifer Frederick

JoAnn Padgett

Monica Maestas

Ginger Winters

Lilian Nordland

Peter Norton

Susie Loaf Newman

Groucho Marx

Thomas Crapper

and the many writers, editors, and other contributors who have helped make Uncle John the bathroom fixture he is today.

CONTENTS

Because the BRI understands your reading needs, weve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

Shorta quick read

Medium2 to 3 pages, but still brief

* * *

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.

Doug Collins, basketball analyst

INTRO-DUCK-TION

W henever I tell people that I make Uncle Johns Bathroom Readers for a living, they either say, Uncle Whooeys What? and then give me a strange look. Or, if they know the series (whew!), they often say, Oh, your books are so funny!

Which I find a bit odd. I mean, sure, were found in the humor section, but we never actually set out to make a funny book. Rather, we try to pack our books full of entertaining articles that are fun to read. Many of them happen to be funny. And because a lot of our articles are on the serious side, we offset them with sillier stuff. Thats where this book comes in.

For Funniest Ever, we pored through the entire Bathroom Reader seriesthats more than 100 books spanning 25 yearsto find the most hilarious reading that has ever graced our pages. We really pulled out all the stops by mixing and matching and massaging our best stuff to take it to a whole new level of humor. We even threw in some all-new material just because we couldnt help ourselves.

Result: This is the funniest book in the history of Western civilization! You think Im kidding? In what other single book will you find Shakespeares most scurrilous insults (Away, you mouldy rogue!), the simple rules of chessboxing, and a story about a cow with such awful flatulence that she became a four-legged flame-thrower? Whatever your preferred brand of humorlight or dark, crass or clever, or just plain weirdyoull find it splattered all over these pages.

But before you dive in, Id like to take off my Groucho glasses and thank our committed (they should be) team of writers and researchers for all their hard work. And finally, Id like to thank YOU, our loyal readers. Your laughs are like little chunks of happiness that we collect in jars and then open up on sad, rainy days. So happy reading! And as always

Keep on going with the Flow!

Uncle John, Felix the Dog, and the BRI staff