Dave Rigby - 7th Time Lucky. A Gay Mans Determination to Become a Parent

7TH TIME LUCKY

7TH TIME LUCKY

One Gay Mans Determination to Become
a Parent

David Rigby

Book Guild Publishing

Sussex, England

First published in Great Britain in 2014 by

The Book Guild Ltd

The Werks

45 Church Road

Hove, BN3 2BE

Copyright David Rigby 2014

The right of David Rigby to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in a retrieval system, in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher or the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

While the events in this book are true, names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals involved.

Typesetting in Garamond by

Nat-Type, Cheshire

Printed and bound in Great Britain by

CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY

A catalogue record for this book is available from
The British Library.

ISBN 978 1 84624 956 3
ePub ISBN 978 1 90998 437 0
Mobi ISBN 978 1 90998 438 7

Contents

Introduction

At the point when I knew I was going to embark on an unpredictable journey through surrogacy to see if I could bring a child into this world, I started to write. I didnt write for an audience, I wrote just in case something fantastic actually arrived in my life at the end of that journey.

I knew that if a child was brought into this world, that child would have to find out how he or she arrived. I didnt want to have to make up any stories about how they arrived. I wanted to be able to tell the story of the positive process I went through, the fun I had along the way, the supportive people I encountered, the fantastic woman who carried my child, and the moment that child arrived in my arms. I always knew that I would be honest with my child about how he or she arrived, about having two dads and not having a mum, and about how they were as loved as any other child in the world. I wanted that child to be able to read about all the steps I went through in bringing a new life into this world.

Now, saying I was a bit over-optimistic at the outset would probably win the prize for over-statement of the century. The ups and downs, highs and lows, heartache, lies, disappointments (and there were many) are all included. I hope that my daughter enjoys reading this account of how she came to be, and I also hope she realises just how much having a child really meant to me.

Some Background

Growing up through my teenage years and into young adulthood, I always knew I was gay, or at least that I was attracted to men rather than women. I didnt know early on how to classify this, but I knew that I was different from the general expectation of a Catholic boy growing up in a backwards little village in Lancashire. Freckleton was full of normal people who passionately promoted having normal lives. Anything else was to be severely frowned upon, and regularly was.

It probably wasnt until my sisters wedding in the early nineties that I suddenly realised that being this way inclined, I would never have a wedding day and that did upset me. In fact I cried my way through most of the evening reception probably as much to do with the beer I was drinking as the emotion of it all. Sadly I hadnt told anyone about my sexuality at the time, so had to make up some lame excuse about why I was upset. What hadnt really registered at that point was that, not being straight or having any realistic prospect of getting married, I wouldnt ever be a dad.

Seeing my sister raise her children (albeit from a distance I was either in London or she was in America) and seeing other relatives, friends and colleagues have their families, I was pretty much always hit by how envious I was. These people were able to create a life and their own families, and have a reason to live other than going to work, having a social life and paying for expensive nights out, cars, houses, clothes, holidays (and partners!).

I think I had known early on that I would never go through the whole pretend relationship or marriage thing. I had lots of girlfriends when I was young, too many really, but it always felt as though I was going through the motions just for the sake of it. I never totally enjoyed being with them as I felt I should have done (although some of them turned out to be good friends) and although the sex was do-able and sometimes enjoyable, it never left me feeling totally fulfilled or totally satisfied. I dont think the thought of pretending to be straight and making a commitment to a life-long relationship with a woman ever really entered my head once I knew what my sexuality was and I was comfortable with it. My own personal morals really couldnt have coped with it either and I would have hated reaching the point where I wanted to live my life as who I really was rather than as some faker.

In my twenties and through to my thirties, I still always thought I would have loved to have children: someone to love for the rest of my life and care for, and enjoy life with. I never really thought this was something I would get from a partner in a gay relationship. My expectations of gay men, even at that stage, were pretty low in terms of honesty, commitment and the longevity of any relationship. Id realised pretty quickly that stability in any gay relationship is pretty rare and I put this down to the whole honesty thing most gay men just arent and Id found this out in some unfortunate circumstances throughout my life. I knew I was by no means perfect though, so I had no real right to judge anyone else. I was just being realistic to a certain extent.

Samantha

When I was in my early thirties, Id been in a relationship with Darren for about six or seven years and I was working as HR Manager for a company in Fleetwood. After a while, at the point where I was starting to manage a takeover of staff from another company, I was introduced to Samantha, a manager within that company with whom I was going to have to work quite a lot over the coming months. She was about to come and work with me and was going to be in charge of setting up some new teams for which I would manage the recruitment.

She and I hit it off straight away and quite quickly we were able to have a laugh and a joke, to the point where we ended up socialising outside of work. She met Darren and we all got on, and we had her and her fianc, Simon, round to the house a couple of times. It was fun to be around her and we enjoyed each others company.

Samantha and I had a lot in common. My relationship with Darren was fast heading down the pan. Sex was practically non-existent; if anything ever did happen, it was always because I made the effort and this was never, ever reciprocated. The relationship was more about companionship than anything else and I needed so much more. Although I had tried on numerous occasions to tackle it, and Darren agreed on every occasion to try and change, nothing ever worked. This just left me more and more frustrated and I began to wonder if it was worth continuing. I didnt know what else I could do to improve the situation apart from leave. My self-esteem and self-confidence couldnt take the constant hits.

Samantha and Simon were practically in the same boat. They were planning their wedding for the following summer; the venues were booked and guest lists written, but she just wasnt happy and found Simon too boring to be able to stomach the prospect of a long and happy future with him. I think it was our respective situations that brought us quite close.