Ian Crofton - History Without the Boring Bits

The Emperor Caligulas floating palace on Lake Nemi, near Rome.

Galactic Tyrant Peoples Earth

According to the doctrines of Scientology, the galactic tyrant Xenu kidnapped hundreds of billions of individuals from other parts of the galaxy and sent them to planet Earth to be exterminated. They arrived by craft that looked like Douglas DC-8s, but which were in fact powered by rockets. The exiles were then exposed to thermonuclear explosions, prior to being brainwashed by a 36-day-long 3-D movie into believing that they were at the same time Jesus, God and the Devil. The victims subsequently parasitized human bodies, and can apparently only be removed by advanced Scientological techniques.

The Day of Creation

The date of Creation, according to James Ussher, Protestant archbishop of Armagh, in his 1650 work, Annales veteris testamenti, a prima mundi origine deducti (Annals of the Old Testament, deduced from the first origins of the world). More precisely, Ussher calculated on the basis of his interpretation of biblical texts that the Earth had been brought into being on the evening preceding 23 October 4004 BC. It turns out that the Earth is nearly a million times older than Ussher suggested.

Burial Alive

Tarquinius Priscus became king of Rome. It was Tarquinius who instituted the traditional punishment for any Vestal Virgin who lost her virginity. The unfortunate woman was walled up alive in an underground chamber called the Campus Scleratus, and was sometimes supplied with food and water to prolong her slow death. Until the abolition of the Vestal Virgins in AD 391, some 22 Vestal Virgins appear to have suffered either immuration or burial alive.

Leader Goes to War in Middle East Having Deliberately Misinterpreted the Intelligence

King Croesus of Lydia asked the Delphic Oracle if the signs were propitious for an attack on the Persian Empire. The Pythoness the priestess of the Oracle pronounced that If Croesus crosses the River Halys, a great empire shall be destroyed. Insensitive to any ambiguity in this prophecy, Croesus attacked and his army was utterly annihilated. The Oracles pronouncement on this occasion was a model of clarity, compared to the usual wild ramblings that came from the Pythoness whose trances may have been caused by natural emanations of methane, ethanol and carbon dioxide in her cave.

On the Relative Puniness of Persian vs. Egyptian Skulls

At the decisive Battle of Pelusium, near Port Said, the Persians under Cambyses II defeated the Egyptians, and went on to conquer the country. In the 5th century, the Greek historian Herodotus visited the site and found the remains of the fallen still scattered across the battlefield. In the interests of impartial investigation, he noted that if you threw a pebble at a Persian skull it would make a hole in it, while even if you struck an Egyptian skull with a rock, you will scarcely break it in. He ascribed the difference to the Egyptian practice of shaving the head from infancy, while the Persians covered theirs with folds of cloth.

Army Disappears in Desert

After his conquest of Egypt, Cambyses sent an army to the Siwa Oasis in Egypts Western Desert, perhaps to persuade the Oracle of Amun to recognize his rule. But the 50,000 men never reached their destination, being overwhelmed, according to Herodotus, by a sandstorm. Exactly 2525 years later, geologists from Helwan University, prospecting for petroleum, found themselves among sand dunes littered with fragments of textiles and weapons, and the bleached bones of men who may once have belonged to the Lost Army of Cambyses.

Tortoise Slays Playwright

The Greek dramatist Aeschylus died when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his bald head.

Sun Larger than the Peloponnese, Argues Greek Philosopher

The Greek philosopher Anaxagoras was exiled from Athens for denying the divine nature of heavenly bodies. He asserted that the Sun was a great disc of blazing metal larger than the Peloponnese, and that the planets were lumps of rock torn from the Earth and set on fire by the rapidity of their rotation.

Volcanic Suicides

The Greek philosopher Empedocles died by throwing himself into the active crater of Mount Etna. His intention had been that people should believe in the absence of his body that he had ascended to heaven as a god. His ruse was foiled when the volcano spewed forth one of his bronze sandals. The fate of Empedocles may have inspired the American tourist who, in 1859 having received unhappy news from home threw himself into a lava flow on the flank of Vesuvius and was instantly incinerated.

The Case of the Missing Penises

(May) The Greek general Alcibiades was accused of knocking the phalli off all the hermai in Athens, a scandalously sacrilegious act. Hermai were pillars set up outside houses adorned with male genitals and topped with a head of the god Hermes (supposedly the inventor of masturbation). Alicibiades, who set off on an expedition against Syracuse shortly afterwards, was sentenced to death in his absence.

Geese Save Rome

The sacred geese on the Capitoline Hill in Rome saved the city by making such a noise as the besieging Gauls attempted a covert night attack that the guards were roused and repelled the invaders.

Philosopher Urinates on Diners

The Greek philosopher Diogenes, disdaining the social niceties, lived like a dog naked, scratching and defecating in the street so earning the nickname the Dog (Greek