Sophie Kinsella - The Undomestic Goddess

Would you consider yourself stressed?

No. Im not stressed.

Im busy. Plenty of people are busy. I have a high-powered job, my career is important to me, and I enjoy it.

OK. So sometimes I do feel a bit tense. But Im a lawyer in the City, for Gods sake.

What do you expect?

My handwriting is pressing so hard into the page, Ive torn the paper. Dammit. Never mind. Lets move on to the next question.

On average, how many hours do you spend in the office every day?

14

12

8

It depends.

Do you exercise regularly?

I regularly go swimming

I occasionally go swim

I am intending to begin a regular regime of swimming. When I have time. Works been busy lately, its a blip. Do you drink 8 glasses of water a day?

Yes

Someti

No.

I put down my pen and clear my throat. Across the room, Maya looks up from where shes rearranging all her little pots of wax and nail varnish. Maya is my spa beauty therapist for the day and is in her forties, Id say. Her long dark hair is in a plait with one white streak woven through it, and she has a tiny silver stud in her nose.

Everything all right with the questionnaire? she murmurs.

I did mention that Im in a bit of a hurry, I say politely. Are all these questions absolutely necessary?

At the Green Tree Center we like to have as much information as possible to assess your beauty and health needs, she replies in soothing yet implacable tones.

I glance at my watch. Nine forty-five.

I dont have time for this. I really do not have the time. But its my birthday treat and I promised my best friend, Freya.

To be more accurate, its last years birthday treat. Freya gave me the gift voucher for an Ultimate De-stress Experience just over a year ago. Shes my oldest school friend and is always on at me for working too hard. In the card that came with the voucher she wrote Make Some Time ForYourself, Samantha!!!

Which I did fully intend to do. But we had the Zincon Petrochemical Group restructuring and the Zeus Minerals merger and somehow a year went by without my finding a spare moment. Im a lawyer with Carter Spink. I work in the corporate department on the finance side, and just at the moment, things are pretty hectic with some big deals on. Its a blip. Itll get better. I just have to get through the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, then Freya sent me this years birthday cardand I suddenly realized the voucher was about to expire. So here I am, on my twenty-ninth birthday. Sitting on a couch in a white toweling robe and surreal paper knickers. With a half-day window.

Max.

Do you smoke?

No.

Do you drink alcohol?

Yes. The odd glass of wine.

Do you eat regular home-cooked meals?

What does that have to do with anything? What makes home-cooked meals superior?

I eat a nutritious, varied diet, I write at last.

Which is absolutely true.

Anyway, everyone knows the Chinese live longer than we doso what could be more healthy than to eat their food? And pizza is Mediterranean. Its probably more healthy than a home-cooked meal.

Do you feel your life is balanced?

Yes

N

Yes.

Im done, I announce, and hand the pages back to Maya, who starts reading through my answers. Her finger is traveling down the paper at a snails pace. Like weve got all the time in the world.

Which she may well have. But I seriously have to be back in the office by one.

Maya looks up, a thoughtful expression on her face.Youre obviously quite a stressed-out woman.

What? Where does she get that from? I specifically put on the form, I am not stressed-out.

No, Im not. I hope Mayas taking in my relaxed, see-how-unstressed-I-am smile.

She looks unconvinced.

Your job is obviously very pressured.

I thrive under pressure, I explain. Which is true. Ive known that about myself ever since

Well. Ever since my mother told me, when I was about eight. You thrive under pressure, Samantha. Our whole family thrives under pressure. Its like our family motto or something.

Apart from my brother Peter, of course. He had a nervous breakdown. But the rest of us.

I love my job. I love spotting the loophole in a contract. I love the thrill of negotiation, and arguing my case, and making the sharpest point in the room. I love the adrenaline rush of closing a deal.

I suppose just occasionally I do feel as though someones piling heavy weights on me.

Like big concrete blocks, one on top of the other, and I have to keep holding them up, no matter how exhausted I am

But then everyone probably feels like that. Its normal.

Your skins very dehydrated. Maya is shaking her head. She runs an expert hand across my cheek and rests her fingers underneath my jaw, looking concerned. Your heart rates very high. Thats not healthy. Are you feeling particularly tense?

Works pretty busy at the moment. I shrug. Its just a blip. Im fine. Can we get on with it?

Well. Maya gets up. She presses a button set in the wall and gentle pan-pipe music fills the air. All I can say is, youve come to the right place, Samantha. Our aim here is to de-stress, revitalize, and detoxify.

Lovely, I say, only half listening. Ive just remembered that I never got back to David Elldridge about the Ukrainian oil contract. I meant to call him yesterday. Shit.

Our aim is to provide a haven of tranquility, away from all your day-to-day worries.

Maya presses another button in the wall, and the light dims to a muted glow. Before we start, she says softly, do you have any questions?

Actually, I do. I lean forward.

Good! She beams. Are you curious about todays treatments, or is it something more general?

Could I possibly send a quick e-mail?

Mayas smile freezes on her face.

Just quickly, I add. It wont take two secs

Samantha, Samantha Maya shakes her head. Youre here to relax. To take a moment for yourself. Not to send e-mails. E-mails an obsession! An addiction! As evil as alcohol. Or caffeine.

For goodness sake, Im not obsessed. I mean, thats ridiculous. I check my e-mails about once every thirty seconds, maybe.

The thing is, a lot can change in thirty seconds.

And besides, Samantha, Maya goes on. Do you see a computer in this room?

No, I reply, obediently looking around the dim little room, at posters of yoga positions and a wind chime and a row of crystals arranged on the windowsill.

This is why we ask that you leave all electronic equipment in the safe. No mobile phones are permitted. No little computers. Maya spreads her arms. This is a retreat.

An escape from the world.

Right. I nod meekly.

Now is probably not the time to reveal that I have a BlackBerry hidden in my paper knickers.

So, lets begin. Maya smiles. Lie down, please, under a towel. And remove your watch.

I need my watch!

Another addiction. She tsks reprovingly. You dont need to know the time while youre here.

She turns away, and with reluctance I take off my watch.

Then, a little awkwardly, I arrange myself on the massage table, trying to avoid squashing my precious BlackBerry.

I did see the rule about no electronic equipment. And I did surrender my Dictaphone.

But three hours without a BlackBerry? I mean, what if something came up at the office? What if there was an emergency?

If they really wanted people to relax, they would let them keep their BlackBerrys and mobile phones, not confiscate them.

Anyway, shell never see it under my towel.

Im going to begin with a relaxing foot rub, says Maya, and I feel her smoothing some kind of lotion over my feet. Try to clear your mind.

I stare dutifully up at the ceiling. Clear mind. My mind is as clear as a transparent glass