Unknown - 85ff549abfaef02bb7a17fbf93926937

1. THE DIARY OF A KILLER CAT

1: MONDAY

Okay, okay. So hang me. I killed the bird. For pitys sake, Im acat. Its practically myjob to go creeping round the garden after sweet little eensy-weensy birdy-pies that can hardly fly from one hedge to another. So what am I supposed to do when one of the poor feathery little flutterballs just about throws itself into my mouth? I mean, it practically landed on my paws. It could havehurt me.

Okay,okay. So I biffed it. Is that any reason for Ellie to cry in my fur so hard I almostdrown, and squeeze me so hard I almostchoke?

Oh, Tuffy! she says, all sniffles and red eyes and piles of wet tissues. Oh, Tuffy. How could youdo that?

How could Ido that? Im acat. How did I know there was going to be such a giant great fuss, with Ellies mother rushing off to fetch sheets of old newspaper, and Ellies father filling a bucket with soapy water?

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Okay,okay. So maybe I shouldnt have dragged it in and left it on the carpet. And maybe the stains wont come out, ever.

Sohang me.

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2: TUESDAY

I quite enjoyed the little funeral. I dont think they really wanted me to come, but, after all, its just as much my garden as theirs. In fact, I spend a whole lot more time in it than they do. Im the only one in the family who uses it properly.

Not that theyre grateful. You ought to hear them.

That cat isruining my flower beds. There are hardly any of the petunias left.

Id barelyplanted the lobelias before it was lying on top of them, squashing them flat.

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Ido wish it wouldnt dig holes in the anemones.

Moan, moan, moan, moan. I dont know why they bother to keep a cat, since all they ever seem to do is complain.

All except Ellie. She was too busy being soppy about the bird. She put it in a box, and packed it round with cotton wool, and dug a little hole, and then we all stood round it while she said a few words, wishing the bird luck in heaven.

Go away, Ellies father hissed at me. (I find that man quite rude.) But I just flicked my tail at him. Gave him the blink. Who does he think he is? If I want to watch a little birdys funeral, Ill watch it. After all, Ive known the bird longer than any of them have. I knew it when it wasalive.

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3: WEDNESDAY

So spank me! I brought a dead mouse into their precious house. I didnt even kill it. When I came across it, it was already a goner. Nobodys safe around here. This avenue is ankle-deep in rat poison, fast cars charge up and down at all hours, and Im not the only cat around here. I dont even know what happened to the thing. All I know is, I found it. It was already dead. (Fresh dead, but dead.) And at the time I thought it was a good idea to bring it home. Dont ask me why. I must have been crazy. How did I know that Ellie was going to grab me and give me one of her little talks?

Oh, Tuffy! Thats the second time this week. I cant bear it. I know youre a cat, and its natural and everything. But please, for my sake, stop.

She gazed into my eyes.

Will you stop? Please?

I gave her the blink. (Well, I tried. But she wasnt having any.)

Imean it, Tuffy, she told me. I love you, and I understand how you feel. But youve got to stop doing this, okay?

She had me by the paws. What could I say? So I tried to look all sorry. And then she burst into tears all over again, and we had another funeral.

This place is turning into Fun City. It really is.

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4: THURSDAY

Okay, okay! Ill try and explain about the rabbit. For starters, I dont think anyones given me enough credit for getting it through the cat flap. That wasnot easy. I can tell you, it took about an hour to get that rabbit through that little hole. That rabbit was downrightfat. It was more like a pig than a rabbit, if you want my opinion.

Not that any of them cared what I thought. They were going mental.

Its Thumper! cried Ellie. Its next-doors Thumper!

Oh, Lordy! said Ellies father. Now were in trouble. What are we going to do?

Ellies mother stared at me.

How could a catdo that? she asked. I mean, its not like a tiny bird, or a mouse, or anything. That rabbit is the same size as Tuffy. They both weigh aton.

Nice. Very nice. This is myfamily, Ill have you know. Well, Ellies family. But you take my point.

And Ellie, of course, freaked out. She went berserk.

Its horrible, she cried. Horrible. I cant believe that Tuffy could have done that. Thumpers been next door for years and years and years.

Sure. Thumper was a friend. I knew him well.

She turned on me.

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Tuffy! This is the end. That poor, poor rabbit. Look at him!

And Thumper did look a bit of a mess, I admit it. I mean, most of it was only mud. And a few grass stains, I suppose. And there were quite a few bits of twig and stuff stuck in his fur. And he had a streak of oil on one ear. But no one gets dragged the whole way across a garden, and through a hedge, and over another garden, and through a freshly-oiled cat flap, and ends up looking as if theyre just off to a party.

And Thumper didnt care what he looked like. He wasdead.

The rest of them minded, though. They minded alot.

What are we going to do?

Oh, this is dreadful. Next-door will never speak to us again.

We must think of something.

And they did. I have to say, it was a brilliant plan, by any standards. First, Ellies father fetched the bucket again, and filled it with warm soapy water. (He gave me a bit of a look as he did this, trying to make me feel guilty for the fact that hed had to dip his hands in the old Fairy Liquid twice in one week. I just gave him my old I-am-not-impressed stare back.)

Then Ellies mother dunked Thumper in the bucket and gave him a nice bubbly wash and a swill-about. The water turned a pretty nasty brown colour. (All that mud.) And then, glaring at me as if it were allmy fault, they tipped it down the sink and began over again with fresh soap suds.

Ellie was snivelling, of course.

Do stop that, Ellie, her mother said. Its getting on my nerves. If you want to do something useful, go and fetch the hairdrier.

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So Ellie trailed upstairs, still bawling her eyes out.

I sat on the top of the dresser, and watched them.

They up-ended poor Thumper and dunked him again in the bucket. (Good job he wasnt his old self. Hed have hated all this washing.) And when the water finally ran clear, they pulled him out and drained him.

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Then they plonked him on newspaper, and gave Ellie the hairdrier.

There you go, they said. Fluff him up nicely.

Well, she got right into it, I can tell you. That Ellie could grow up to be a real hot-shot hairdresser, the way she fluffed him up. I have to say, I never saw Thumper look so nice before, and he lived in next-doors hutch for years and years, and I saw him every day.

Hiya, Thump, Id sort of nod at him as I strolled over the lawn to check out what was left in the feeding bowls further down the avenue.

Hi, Tuff, hed sort of twitch back.

Yes, we were good mates. We were pals. And so it was really nice to see him looking so spruced up and smart when Ellie had finished with him.

He lookedgood.

What now? said Ellies father.

Ellies mum gave him a look the sort of look she sometimes gives me, only nicer.

Oh, no, he said. Not me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Its you or me, she said. And I cant go, can I?

Why not? he said. Youre smaller than I am. You can crawl through the hedge easier.

Thats when I realized what they had in mind. But what could I say? What could I do to stop them? Toexplain?

Nothing. Im just a cat.

I sat and watched.