Haemin Sunim - Love for Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself in a World Striving for Perfection

T HERE ARE TIMES IN LIFE when we encounter a film that stays with us for a very long time. For me, A River Runs Through It is one such film. Set in the first half of the twentieth century, and with the beautiful scenery of Montana for a backdrop, it tells the story of the Maclean family, for whom fishing is just as important as religion. The father is a Presbyterian minister with two sons. The elder son, Norman, lives a respectable life and becomes a university professor. The younger son, Paul, comes to lead a life of debauchery while working as a journalist for a local paper; his gambling habit gets him into great debt, and in the end he is beaten to death in an alley. The father, consumed by his deep sense of loss, speaks to his congregation during Sunday service with restrained emotion, revealing his love for his second son. We can love completely, he says, even without complete understanding.

It was difficult for the father to understand why his son Paul had to live a life of dissipation. However, this didnt stop him from loving his sonbecause, to him, love transcends human understanding. Rather than loving someone only when you feel you understand what it is you love, the kind of deep, enduring love shown by the father does not cease even when the loved one behaves in a way you do not agree with. In the depths of the heart, love is always flowing, like a river.

W HEN WE EXAMINE OUR L IVES , we see many imperfect things, like motes of dust on an old mirror. There are all kinds of things that leave us feeling dissatisfied and unhappy: Our words are often different from our actions, our relationships are strained by our mistakes, our best-laid plans for the future go awry. On top of that, in the course of our lives we inflict various wounds on others, intentionally or unintentionally, causing us to feel guilt and regret.

But its the same when we look at our family and friends. The child who doesnt listen to what his parents tell him; your own parents who do not understand you; your spouse who doesnt behave reasonably. Close friends with bad health habits make you worry about their well-being. Every morning when we watch the news unfold, we see that the world is filled with yet more fighting, more accidents, more discord. It seems as though it will never end.

And yet, even though we find many such imperfect things in the world we live in, we cannot help but love them. Because our lives are far too precious to be spent in ridicule and hatred of what doesnt appeal to us, of what we do not understand. As we become spiritually mature, we naturally develop more empathy and try to see things from others perspectives. This, in turn, teaches us to accept the imperfections of others, and of ourselves, in a more graceful and compassionate way, like a mother loves her child no matter what.

I have collected here my reflections on learning to look at the world and myself more compassionately. I have been inspired by people who have shared with me their life stories and questions during my public talks or on social media; they have opened my heart and deepened my wisdom. I pray that this book can be a friendly hand for you in a moment of despair, and bring you peace in a time of difficulty.

H AEMIN S UNIM

The School of Broken Hearts, Seoul

Chapter One

SELF-CARE

When we become kinder to ourselves,

we can become kinder to the world.

DONT BE TOO GOOD

W ERE YOU ONE OF THOSE CHILDREN who were praised for being good? Did you then try hard to be good by always agreeing with parents, teachers, or older relatives? Even if sometimes it was hard, you learned not to complain and bore it quietly? And now that youre an adult, do you still feel a responsibility to please other people? Do you constantly make an effort not to disturb or be a burden on others? But when theres someone who makes things difficult for you, you try just to ignore it or put up with it, because it is not in your nature to do or say something that can potentially hurt someone or make someone feel uncomfortable?

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I HAVE ME T MANY GOOD people who suffer from depression, panic attacks, and other emotional disorders due to difficult human relationships. Such people tend to be gentle, well mannered, and solicitous of others. They are the kind of self-sacrificing person who will habitually put other peoples wishes before their own. Why, I wondered, do such good people often fall victim to mental and emotional suffering?