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Esmé Weijun Wang - The Collected Schizophrenias: Essays

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Esmé Weijun Wang The Collected Schizophrenias: Essays
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An intimate, moving book written with the immediacy and directness of one who still struggles with the effects of mental and chronic illness, The Collected Schizophrenias cuts right to the core. Schizophrenia is not a single unifying diagnosis, and Esm Weijun Wang writes not just to her fellow members of the collected schizophrenias but to those who wish to understand it as well. Opening with the journey toward her diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, Wang discusses the medical communitys own disagreement about labels and procedures for diagnosing those with mental illness, and then follows an arc that examines the manifestations of schizophrenia in her life. In essays that range from using fashion to present as high-functioning to the depths of a rare form of psychosis, and from the failures of the higher education system and the dangers of institutionalization to the complexity of compounding factors such as PTSD and Lyme disease, Wangs analytical eye, honed as a former lab researcher at Stanford, allows her to balance research with personal narrative. An essay collection of undeniable power, The Collected Schizophrenias dispels misconceptions and provides insight into a condition long misunderstood.

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Advance Praise for
The Collected Schizophrenias

Necessary and illuminating. In these elegant essays, Esm Weijun Wang insightfully dissects the many false stories we tell ourselves about mental and physical illness while investigating her own diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. The Collected Schizophrenias is a brilliant guide to the complexities of thinking about illness, and mental illness in particular. It will bring hope to others searching to understand their own diagnoses, and the lyric precision of her writing is a solace and pleasure in its own right.

Meghan ORourke

The Collected Schizophrenias is a masterful braiding of the achingly personal and the incisively researched. With graceful, penetrative intelligence and a strong dose of wit, Esm Weijun Wang creates a container that can hold the complexities and contradictions of her diagnosis, while addressing the larger issue of how our society marginalizes its mentally ill population. This book is a vital, illuminating window onto the world we all already live in, but find all too easy to ignore.

Alexandra Kleeman

Through the wide-angle lens of her own life, Esm Weijun Wang comprehensively takes in the science, literature, art, institutions, spiritualism, and popular myths of schizophrenia, fashioning a tableau of intense clarity and contrast. You wont find any pity-baiting, sensationalism, or false positivity here; Wang is so candidly aware that Id trust her over my own diary.

Tony Tulathimutte

In this remarkable, riveting collection of essays, Esm Weijun Wang offers us an all-access pass to her beautiful, unquiet mind in what can only be described as an act of profound generosity. Rarely has a book about living with mental illness felt so immediate, raw, and powerful.

Dani Shapiro

This mesmerizing collection of essays has achieved the rarest of raritiesa meaningful and expansive language for a subject that has been long bound by both deep revulsion and intense fascination. Brimming with poetry, inquisition, and a big pulsing heart.

Jenny Zhang

The Collected Schizophrenias is at once generous and brilliantly nuanced, rigorous and bold. It had me rethinking what it is to be well or ill, and what it means to be in a bodyto be, that is, alive. A powerful, extraordinary book.

R. O. Kwon, author of The Incendiaries

THE
COLLECTED
SCHIZOPHRENIAS

The Collected Schizophrenias Essays - image 1

Also by Esm Weijun Wang

The Border of Paradise

THE
COLLECTED
SCHIZOPHRENIAS

ESSAYS

ESM WEIJUN WANG

Graywolf Press

Copyright 2019 by Esm Weijun Wang

The author and Graywolf Press have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the authors copyright, please notify Graywolf Press at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.

Essays in this collection appeared originally in different form in the following publications:

Toward a Pathology of the Possessed in the Believer

High-Functioning in Buzzfeed Reader

The Choice of Children in Doll Hospital

Reality, On-Screen in the New Inquiry

Perdition Days in the Toast

LAppel du Vide in Hazlitt

This publication is made possible, in part, by the voters of Minnesota through a Minnesota State Arts Board Operating Support grant, thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund, and a grant from the Wells Fargo Foundation. Significant support has also been provided by the National Endowment for the Arts, Target, the McKnight Foundation, the Lannan Foundation, the Amazon Literary Partnership, and other generous contributions from foundations, corporations, and individuals. To these organizations and individuals we offer our heartfelt thanks.

Published by Graywolf Press 250 Third Avenue North Suite 600 Minneapolis - photo 2

Published by Graywolf Press

250 Third Avenue North, Suite 600

Minneapolis, Minnesota 55401

All rights reserved.

www.graywolfpress.org

Published in the United States of America

ISBN 978-1-55597-827-3

Ebook ISBN 978-1-55597-876-1

2 4 6 8 9 7 5 3 1

First Graywolf Printing, 2019

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018947092

Cover design: Kimberly Glyder

Cover art: Shutterstock

for Chris

&

for everyone who has been touched by the schizophrenias

Recovery [from schizophrenia], almost never complete, runs the gamut from a level tolerable to society to one that may not require permanent hospitalization but in fact does not allow even the semblance of normal life. More than any symptom, the defining characteristic of the illness is the profound feeling of incomprehensibility and inaccessibility that sufferers provoke in other people.

Sylvia Nasar, A Beautiful Mind

How can I go on this way?

And how can I not?

Susan Sontag

THE
COLLECTED
SCHIZOPHRENIAS
Diagnosis

Schizophrenia terrifies. It is the archetypal disorder of lunacy. Craziness scares us because we are creatures who long for structure and sense; we divide the interminable days into years, months, and weeks. We hope for ways to corral and control bad fortune, illness, unhappiness, discomfort, and deathall inevitable outcomes that we pretend are anything but. And still, the fight against entropy seems wildly futile in the face of schizophrenia, which shirks reality in favor of its own internal logic.

People speak of schizophrenics as though they were dead without being dead, gone in the eyes of those around them. Schizophrenics are victims of the Russian word ( gibel ), which is synonymous with doom and catastrophenot necessarily death nor suicide, but a ruinous cessation of existence; we deteriorate in a way that is painful for others. Psychoanalyst Christopher Bollas defines schizophrenic presence as the psychodynamic experience of being with [a schizophrenic] who has seemingly crossed over from the human world to the non-human environment, because other human catastrophes can bear the weight of human narrativewar, kidnapping, deathbut schizophrenias built-in chaos resists sense. Both gibel and schizophrenic presence address the suffering of those who are adjacent to the one who is suffering in the first place.

Because the schizophrenic does suffer. I have been psychically lost in a pitch-dark room. There is the ground, which may be nowhere other than immediately below my own numbed feet. Those foot-shaped anchors are the only trustworthy landmarks. If I make a wrong move, Ill have to face the gruesome consequence. In this bleak abyss the key is to not be afraid, because fear, though inevitable, only compounds the awful feeling of being lost.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), schizophrenia afflicts 1.1 percent of the American adult population. The number grows when considering the full psychotic spectrum, also known as the schizophrenias: 0.3 percent are diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. I am aware of the implications of the word afflicts, which supports a neurotypical bias, but I also believe in the suffering of people diagnosed with the schizophrenias and our tormenting minds.

I was officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type eight years after experiencing my first hallucinations, back when I first suspected fresh hell in my brain. I remain surprised by how long it took. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2001, but heard my first auditory hallucinationa voicein 2005, in my early twenties. I knew enough about abnormal psychology to understand that people with bipolar disorder could experience symptoms of psychosis, but were not supposed to experience them outside of a mood episode. I communicated this to Dr. C, my psychiatrist at the time, but she never uttered the words schizoaffective disorder, even when I reported that I was dodging invisible demons on campus, and that Id watched a fully formed locomotive roar toward me before vanishing. I began to call these experiences sensory distortions, a phrase that Dr. C readily adopted in my presence instead of hallucinations, which was what they were.

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