Ronald J. Frederick - Loving Like You Mean It : Use The Power Of Emotional Mindfulness To Transform Your Relationships

Special Praise for Loving Like You MeanIt

Taking on nothing less than love, Dr. Ron Frederick swings and hits it out of the park with this must-read book. His clear, warm, and accessible style brings neuroscience, relationship theory, and years of clinical experience to help with our relationships. Reading this wise book you will not only understand why you do the things you do (even when you dont want to), but also how to change so that you can love and be loved.

Diana Fosha, PhD, Developer of Accelerated
Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and author of
The Transforming Power of Affect

With compassionate understanding of the ways in which our early experiences shape our emotional lives, Dr. Ron Frederick offers an inspiring, practical guide to free yourself from the past and grow the capacity for stronger, happier relationships.

Elisha Goldstein, PhD, Co-founder of
The Center for Mindful Living in Los Angeles

Loving Like You Mean It is a heartfelt, well written, and practical guide to applying mindfulness to the work of personal and relational transformation. Dr. Frederick brings you into his consulting room, sharing experiences from his work, and skillfully guides you down a path toward having more vital and rewarding relationships. Highly Recommended!

Louis Cozolino, PhD, Psychology Professor at Pepperdine
University and author of The Neuroscience of Human Relationships

This book is pure gold. It presents complex insights in a warm, clear manner and acts as a roadmap to healthy and joyful relationships both with ourselves and those we love. I wish I had this book to refer to in all my adult relationships, and now that its here, Ill gratefully recommend it to my clients.

Raphael Cushnir, author of The One Thing Holding
You Back and Setting Your Heart on Fire

As gifted a writer as he is a psychotherapist, Dr. Ron Frederick expertly engages the reader in the most effective practices to recover true aliveness and wholeness in relationships. For people looking for clear guidance to navigate the challenges of emotional intimacy, this book is a gem.

Linda Graham, MFT, author of Bouncing Back and Resilience

LOVING
LIKE YOU
MEAN IT

Loving

LIKE YOU
MEAN IT

Use the Power of Emotional Mindfulness to Rewire Your Brain and Transform Your Relationships

RONALD J. FREDERICK

Central Recovery Press (CRP) is committed to publishing exceptional materials addressing addiction treatment, recovery, and behavioral healthcare topics.

For more information, visit www.centralrecoverypress.com.

2019 by Ronald J. Frederick

All rights reserved. Published 2019. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Frederick, Ronald J., 1965- author.

Title: Loving like you mean it : use the power of emotional mindfulness to transform your relationships / Ronald J. Frederick, PhD.

Description: Las Vegas, NV : Central Recovery Press, [2019] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018037678 (print) | LCCN 2018041956 (ebook) | ISBN 9781942094951 (ebook) | ISBN 9781942094944 (pbk. : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Emotions. | Success--Psychological aspects.

Classification: LCC BF511 (ebook) | LCC BF511 .F74 2019 (print) | DDC 152.4--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018037678

Photo of Ronald J. Frederick by James DePietro.

Every attempt has been made to contact copyright holders. If copyright holders have not been properly acknowledged, please contact us. Central Recovery Press will be happy to rectify the omission in future printings of this book.

Publishers Note: This book contains general information about relationships, recovery, and related matters. The information is not medical advice. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.

Our books represent the experiences and opinions of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date. To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book may have been changed.

Cover by The Book Designers. Interior design by Sara Streifel, Think Creative Design.

To my mother, for her unending love

and

To Tim, for opening the door to loving like I mean it
and wholeheartedly walking through it with me

All identifying details, including names, have been changed except for those that pertain to the authors colleagues and family members. This book is not intended as a substitute for working with a trained professional.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

In the end, only three things matter:
how much you loved,
how gently you lived,
and how gracefully you let go
of things not meant for you.

BUDDHA

INTRODUCTION

Since the beginning of time, in our hopes of fully enjoying loves rewards, human beings have struggled to understand its mysteries. By the time I was twenty, it had already become apparent to me that there was more to this thing called love than met the eye. I mean, the falling in love partgoing from butterflies and sweaty palms to passion and euphoria in what seemed like an instantwas pretty easy and amazing. But it was the staying-there-and-making-it-work part that was already tripping me up. I just didnt get it. Wasnt loving someone supposed to be fairly effortless, I wondered? Was there something I was missing or not getting? Was there something I was doing wrong?

Not surprisingly, after a few failed attempts, but still hopeful I could crack the code, I landed in a psychotherapists office. Thankfully, my therapist was a wise and caring older man sensitive to the human condition. A world traveler and lover of the arts, he had a penchant for sharing bits of poetry and literature with me in an effort to shed some light on my path. On one particular occasion, he shared something written by poet and novelist Rainer Maria Rilke:

For one human being to love another: that is
perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks;
the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for
which all other work is but preparation.

Those words struck a chord in me. Love, or loving well, is really hard. It takes work. Work that requires so much of us personally. While it still wasnt clear to me just what kind of work I needed to do to be successful in love, Rilkes words helped me feel less alone. Not long after being introduced to that passage, I came across it on a greeting card, bought and framed it and hung it in my various homes over the years, a supportive reminder as I attempted to understand just what was required of me to love and feel loved.