John Bytheway - What We Wish We’d Known When We Were Newlyweds

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bytheway, John What we wish wed known when we were newlyweds / John and Kimberly Bytheway.

p. cm. ISBN-10 1-57345-649-7 (hc.) ISBN-13 978-1-57345-649-4 (hc.) 1. Marriage. 2. MarriageReligious aspectsChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I. Bytheway, Kimberly. II. Title.

HQ734.B97 2000 306.81dc21

00-023066

Printed in the United States of America R. R. Donnelley and Sons

10 9 8 7 6 5

To our parents,

Jack and Diane Bytheway and Michael and Diane Loveridge

Chapter 1

Is the Honeymoon Over? It Doesnt Have to Be...

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

Stephen R. Covey, Quotes and Quips (Covey Leadership Center, 1993), p. 52

Congratulations! Youve made it through all the years of preparation, all the months of wedding arrangements, and now youre newlyweds! Now that youve finished carrying out those wedding plans, its time to plan the marriage. Most people will spend a lot of time planning the wedding and then kind of leave the marriage up to chance. Thats backwards. The reception didnt come together by itself, and neither will the marriage. Successful marriages dont happen by accident; they take planning and talking and effort. Now that youve returned the tuxedos, and the bridesmaids dresses are in the backs of their respective closets, real life beginsand its the best part.

Unfortunately, marriage is not portrayed as a very happy institution in the media these days. People magazine and Entertainment Tonight tell us which Hollywood couples marathon four-month marriage broke up this week, while daytime soaps and talk shows present an endless dysfunction fest. Music on the radio doesnt talk about married love. You dont hear songs that say, I love my wife so much I think Ill vacuum, or, I cant wait to see my how my husband likes this meatloaf.

Some people seem to enjoy warning newlyweds that eventually the honeymoons over. It makes them feel better to persuade you that once you return from Niagara Falls, real life will hit you in the face like a bug hits a windshield. Maybe youve walked around Food 4 Less and noticed young married couples shopping. Many of them are easy to spot: Theyre wearing sweats, they looked like theyve stopped caring about how they look, and they mope around the store with that can we afford this? look on their faces. Even in the Church, if people arent careful, they may say things like, Isnt it about time you got married? making marriage sound more like a chore or a duty than a desirable, wonderful, exciting state.

In light of all this, wed like to begin with a phrase we didnt hear enough from married couples during our dating and college years. Are you ready? Here it is (please read slowly and with feeling): We love being married! It is the greatest. And it seems to get better and better as we work at it. Weve been married for a few years now, and we love it even more as it goes along. We even laugh and joke with each other while shopping at Food 4 Less (in nicer attire than sweats, we might add). We think marriage is a blast.

With so many marriages in trouble all around us, we wanted and hoped to hear more people say that kind of thing more often. We wanted to be filled with hope and anticipation about married life, but we didnt hear optimistic statements enough. So we want to say it nowand we hope youll say it often to young people toowe love being married!

Why We Wrote What We Wrote (say that ten times fast)

When we were engaged, lots of friends approached us and said privately, Remember, the first year is the hardest, and after that it gets a lot better. Wed smile and look at each other a little puzzled. Looking back now after a few years of marriage, we think they were right. Our first year as a married couple wasnt bad, but it probably was the hardest.

There are many adjustments to make and many expectations that need to be altered when two people come together to create one family. But the important thing is not to get discouraged. Every marriage has adjustments and misunderstandings. Its normal! As you get used to each other, things get easier.

When we sat down to plan this book (actually, we werent sittingwe were walking around the block with our baby in a stroller), we decided that our main goal was this: to give young couples tools, ideas, and true principles that will help the first year of marriage go more smoothly. Thats our purpose. Well give you several ideas that we wish wed known when we were newlyweds.

First well talk about the expectations people have for married life, and then well talk a little about talking. Well cover some ways to notice the things your partner does for you, and then well put our money where our mouth is and talk about finances in a new marriage. The last chapters will cover intimacy, keeping the romance alive, and involving the Lord in your marriage.

And now, a word about our credentials... we dont have any. Except for one: We have a great marriage (right, honey?nudge, nudge), and we work on improving it all the time. Weve also read a ton of marriage books together. Okay, were exaggerating; weve read ten marriage books together. And weve observed that they all talk about similar important things. Theres really nothing new to say about how to have a happy marriage. The hardest part is actually applying the principles youve heard about for years.

Along with our lack of credentials, were also aware that we are not experts on anything except our own marriage. Thats why we called this book What We Wish Wed Known When We Were Newlyweds. (It wasnt just an attempt to get ten ws in one title.) Hopefully, your marriage and ours will have enough in common that youll find something helpful in here for you.

One thing that came up again and again as we studied is how many difficulties would be reduced or avoided by simply applying principles of the gospel like faith, patience, and meekness. I guess we should have known. For that reason, well share lots of scriptures and counsel from Church leaders.

Well, lets get started on maintaining that marital bliss. May we say again, we love being married. We are committed to our marriage, but we are also committed to marriage as a principle. Marriage is another wonderful evidence of the beauty and wisdom of the plan of salvation.

Is the honeymoon over? We dont think so. Not if you plan your happiness! Can you imagine how much better marriages would be if every couple spent as much time each year planning their marriage as they spent planning their wedding? We think the wonderful, giddy, euphoric, madly-in-love feelings can continue throughout our married years if we create opportunities and plan for them. Sure, theres work and school and bills and budgets and four-for-a-dollar macaroni and cheese. But you dont have to give up being in love. We