John Bytheway - Behind Every Good Man

Bytheway, John, 1962

Behind every good man : helping your husband take the spiritual lead at home / John Bytheway.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-60641-072-1 (paperbound)

1. FamilyReligious aspectsChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 2. Sex roleReligious aspectsChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I. Title.

BX8643.F3B97 2009

248.8'44dc22 2008053668

Printed in the United States of America

Worzalla Publishing Co., Stevens Point, WI

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Acknowledgments

I am indebted to my wife, Kimberly, and to my sisters-in-law, Jennifer Dustin, Natalie Loveridge, Tiffany Johnson, and Amy Hendrickson, who read the initial draft of this book and made helpful and insightful suggestions. I am also indebted to Dr. John L. Lund, who allowed me to quote him extensively in this book.

I am grateful to Sheri Dew and Laurel Christensen, who have given me the opportunity to participate in numerous Time Out for Women events, where Ive been privileged to meet and mingle with many wonderful women and learn of their concerns.

Special thanks to Emily Watts for her editorial skills, Shauna Gibby for her design, Rachael Ward for the typesetting, and Chris Schoebinger for his constant encouragement and guidance.

We Were Stumped

A few years ago, at a Time Out for Women event in Cincinnati, I sat with a few of the faculty eager to begin a Q & A session. Near the end of our lighthearted exchange with the attendees, one woman raised her hand and said, How can we get our husbands to take the lead on things like family home evening and scripture study?

I was relieved there was a marriage counselor sitting beside me, so I just looked to my right and waited. But he didnt answer right away. We were stumped. At least I was. The marriage counselor was in a tough spot too. How do you answer a question like that in two minutes? You cant, and he couldntat least not adequately. When the event was over, I felt some regret that we never really answered her question.

Ive been haunted by the memory of that Q & A ever since. I am one of those who likes to think the gospel has the best answer to every problem. I still believe that. And I still have the picture in my head of this woman standing on her feet and asking the questionand of seeing many other women nod their heads as she asked. She used the pronouns how can we get our husbands as if she were speaking for more than just herself, and perhaps she was.

A few months of pondering over that womans question brought me to conclude that what she was really asking was this: How do I get a change of heartfor someone else?

Similar questions might be: How can I help someone forgive a family member for a past offense? How can I get my son to desire to serve a mission, or my daughter to realize she needs to break up with the boy shes dating? Or a husband might want to ask, how can I get my wife to find more contentment in motherhood? So this is a much broader question than just hoping to get someone to exhibit a certain behavior. This is a plea to get someone else to grow and change and be spiritually transformed.

How many psychologists does it
take to change a lightbulb?

One.

But the lightbulb
has to want to change.

As I travel around participating in youth conferences, quite frequently a young person will hand me an e-mail address and say, Would you please write to my friend? Theyre not coming to seminary anymore, or, Theyre inactive; would you please write them and fix that? (or words to that effect). On those occasions, Im left feeling inadequate and helpless. The scriptures are very clear about what I must do to be spiritually transformed, but how do I bring about that transformation in someone else?

When you can adequately answer that question, please FedEx your double-spaced manuscript to Deseret Book for immediate publication.

And the Answer Is...

Sorry, theres no easy answer. Although it may be a righteous desire to want someone else to live up to his or her potential more fully, you cant order a change of heart for another person. If it were possible to change hearts by remote control, the story of Laman and Lemuel, the story of Alma the Younger, and the stories of countless other children or spouses of faithful Saints would be a lot different.

Certainly we can pray and plead with the Lord for help in behalf of others, and ask him to intervene, but even then, as the hymn reminds us:

Know this, that evry soul is free

To choose his life and what hell be;

For this eternal truth is givn:

That God will force no man to heavn.

Even Jesus, with his incomparable gifts of loving and serving and teaching, couldnt force a change of heart on the scribes and Pharisees (at least not without violating agency, which he simply wouldnt do). That being said, however, there are many things that might help. So take heart!

Were given a list of words and phrases in Doctrine and Covenants 121 that express how we should deal with others without using coercion: persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, and kindness (see D&C 121:4142). It will be vital to keep these terms in mind as we continue our discussion.

So the answer to the question the sister asked in Ohio would begin like this:

1. There are no easy answers.

2. However, there are a number of things that might help.

3. Even if the ideas that follow dont help with this specific problem, I have no doubt that they will bless your marriage in other ways.

We have not succeeded in answering your problem.
The answers we have found have only raised more questions.
In some ways we feel we are as confused as ever. But we feel
that we are confused on a
higher level, and about more
important things.

Notes

Know This, That Every Soul Is Free, in Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1985), no. 240.

Why Do People Change?

Nearly twenty years ago, my oldest brother had a change of kidney. He got my left one. It required a couple of surgeons, anesthesiologists, half a dozen nurses, prayer, priesthood, fasting, and considerable postoperative care, but it worked, and we are eternally grateful.

When it comes to a change of heart, however, theres only one Being who can make that happen. We must rely on God. From a gospel perspective, the Holy Ghost is the one who changes people. Alma taught, Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God (Alma 5:7; emphasis added). Alma the Younger was visited by an angel (see Mosiah 27), Paul was transformed by a vision on the road to Damascus (see Acts 9), David asked the Lord to create in him a clean heart (see Psalm 51:10). I suppose I could reference a dozen more verses, but I think we all know intuitively that God is the only one who changes hearts.