Stacia Ragolia - Best Advice on Starting a Happy Marriage: 150 Ways to Keep Your Love Alive and Stay Together for Good

Best Advice on
STARTING A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Foreword by STACIA RAGOLIA

RUTLEDGE HILL PRESSTM
Nashville, Tennessee
A DIVISION OF THOMAS NELSON, INC.

www.ThomasNelson.com

Copyright 2003 by iVillage Inc.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without prior permission of the publisher.

Published by Rutledge Hill Press, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc.,
P.O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee 37214.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Best advice on starting a happy marriage / foreword by Stacia Ragolia.

p. cm. (iVillage Solutions)
Excerpts from online discussions on the iVillage.com web site.

ISBN 1-4016-0097-2
1. Marriage. I. Series
HQ734.B615 2003
306.81dc21

2003005206

Printed in the United States of America

03 04 05 06 07 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

Other Books from
iVillage Solutions

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Best Advice on Life After Baby Arrives
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By Stacia Ragolia

In my early twenties, before I myself wed, a friend of mine received a pair of Indonesian marriage dolls as a wedding gift. Traditionally, these dolls are placed outside the door of a couples house for the first year of their marriage. When the dolls are set next to each other, shoulder to shoulder and facing outward in the same direction, those visiting know that there is harmony in the house. How powerful, I thoughtdefining marital happiness not as gazing into each others eyes but looking out toward the same horizon.

That every couple embarking on a marriage hopes it will be a happy one is a given. But making that a reality stymies at least half of all couples who say, I do; as the oft-quoted statistics show, about one in every two marriages ends in divorce. This book presents lessons from the other side of those numbers. The women who have contributed their advice to this book have, collectively, navigated hundreds of years of happy marriage. They represent the 50 percent who stay together.

Like that older sister or aunt who has a few years of marriage under her belt and pulls you aside at the wedding reception to impart some of her advice, the women whose insights and solutions make up this book are here to give you pointers as you set out on an adventure we all hope will last your entire life.

None of these women will pretend that arguments dont occur, challenges dont arise, or setbacks dont crop up. Having a happy marriage, theyll tell you, is not about avoiding problems, but learning how to deal with themtogether. Whether the issue at hand is a depleted bank account, how to raise the kids (or even whether to have any), or whose turn it is to load the dishwasher, a couple needs to come at the situation with the belief that theyre ultimately on the same side. As one woman puts it, You are a team, living together as a unit. Treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated. No one is perfect. Address problems, learn from mistakes, and always look toward the future.

Which brings us to some other powerful lessons happy couples know. You can deal with todays problems if you base your actions on a belief that tomorrow youll still be together. Treating your spouse with respect helps you deal with situations rationally. And finally, a sense of humor helps turn even the worst moment around. My spouse and I have always agreed that wed rather die laughing than live sadly, relates one of our contributors. Its much easier to get past a bad joke than it is to take back hurtful words once spoken. So do I have a happy marriage? Yes, I have to say I do. Seven years, two kids, and a house later, there have been plenty of times I havent agreed with my husband, but there has been no situation that weve encountered that we didnt feel we could handle togetherand handle better together than we could on our own, by facing outward, looking toward the same future.

Since iVillage was founded in 1995, thousands of women have come to the discussion groups on the web site in search of advice about relationships. In dozens of groups devoted to tackling the issues that arise in the course of a marriage, theyve found other women who gladly share their tips with a big helping of friendship and support. In this book, youll find the very best solutions women have shared with each other on iVillage.

iVillage would like to thank the members of iVillage.coms Relationships channel (www.ivillage.com/relationships) for sharing their words of wisdom and inspiration. Without them this book would not exist. Wed also like to thank the hundreds of community leaders who host our online discussion and support groups for the care, concern, and support they provide to our members. Patricia Timmermans provided invaluable assistance in helping us gather advice from the members of the iVillage community. And finally, many thanks to Carmela Ciuraru for translating those many strains of online conversation into this book.

CHAPTER 1
How to Stay in Love

H ug and kiss each other every day. And no matter how long youve been married or how busy your schedules are, never stop going out on regular dates, just the two of you. It will sustain your attraction and make it even stronger over time.

LEARN TO LIKE, NOT JUST LOVE,
EACH OTHER

T here are some obvious things that keep couples together, communication and honesty among them. But my husband and I believe that it isnt enough to love one anotheryou have to like one another too! Have some common interests, and enjoy each others company.

I f you dont have admiration for each other, things will not work. Dont let anything get in the way of respecting each other. Growing old together means exactly that, so accept that the body will change and love the person for who he is inside.

B ecause passion might fizzle out, and its hard to feel loving when you experience hard times, you are going to need friendship. You should like and appreciate your husband even when you dont feel romantic. Few marriages can be sustained without friendship. My husband and I are best friends and soul mates, and I treasure that always.

W e all love that giddy, I-cant-live-without-you phase every relationship has in the beginning. Just because that phase doesnt last forever, it doesnt mean you dont love each other any more; it just means reality has set in.

L earn to truly like your spouse as a person. Passion waxes and wanes, romance can come and go, but genuine, deep respect for your partner will carry you through good and bad times.

TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT

R especting each other means appreciating each others best qualities, which is something that builds over time. You have to learn to show respect even when the chips are down, not just in happy times.

I wouldnt have stayed married for thirty years if my husband didnt respect me. And it goes both ways. Of course there are always things we wish we could change about each other, but these are things we have learned to live withor they are things we are both still working on. You always need to be patient with each other.

R espect, both giving it and getting it, allows you to communicate and be honest about things, even when its a touchy subject. When you do argue or disagree, do so with a certain amount of respect for the others opinions and feelings. Really listen to what your spouse is saying, and ask questions to help clarify your understanding of his points instead of assuming you know what he reallymeans.