Stephen Martin - The Everything Guide to a Happy Marriage: Expert advice and information for a happy life together

Dear Reader,

It is often said that therapists become therapists to heal themselves. While this is certainly the case for me, its also true that I do this work because I love the intrigue and complexities of human behavior and relationships. I feel privileged when a couple opens up in therapy with me as their chosen guide. Im honored to be trusted with their innermost secrets. To confide in a complete stranger with the hurt and tender aspects of your soul takes real courage and perhaps a little desperation. However, it is in those moments of desperate vulnerability that real healing takes place. And its in those tender moments that I feel so emotionally connected to the se two brave people.

For the past twenty-eight years I have been a witness to many marriages and been permitted to offer new concepts and approaches to assist them as they heal their wounded marriages and families. In my Making Marriage Work Workshops, Ive seen couples open up and learn from other couples, sharing the most intimate trials and successes of their marriagesto help each other rise to the next level of whats possible in their relation ships. My clients have taught me everything I understand about marriage. Through this book, Victoria Costello and I hope that you, too, will receive the benefit of their positive intentions and hard work as you strive to make your marriage work.

Sincerely,

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PUBLISHER Karen Cooper

DIRECTOR OF ACQUISITIONS AND INNOVATION Paula Munier

MANAGING EDITOR, EVERYTHING SERIES Lisa Laing

COPY CHIEF Casey Ebert

ACQUISITIONS EDITOR Katie McDonough

SENIOR DEVELOPMENT EDITOR Brett Palana-Shanahan

EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Hillary Thompson

Visit the entire Everything series at www.everything.com

THE

GUIDE TO

A HAPPY

MARRIAGE

Expert advice and information
for a happy life together

Stephen Martin, MFT, and Victoria Costello

Copyright 2009 by F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced
in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions
are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

An Everything Series Book.
Everything and everything.com are registered
trademarks of F+W Media, Inc.

Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322 U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-60550-134-4
ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-134-5

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

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For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

This book is dedicated to the thousands of courageous couples I have seen
over the past twenty-eight years in private marriage and family therapy
sessions and in couples workshops. I congratulate you all for persevering
through the hard work of personal growth to reach mature marital love.

I wish to acknowledge my coauthor Victoria Costello who has listened to me talk ceaselessly about this work. With extraordinary sensitivity, she took my thoughts and gave birth to them in this book. Without her creative talent and perseverance, it would not exist.

. Marry your best friend

. Hibernate during the first year of marriage to cement your relationship

. Agree on joint financial goals, review these regularly

. Take each other out on dates

. Have a weekly check-in to discuss your issues (all marriages have issues)

. Keep your fights private

. Get marital therapy before you get to the point where you hate each other

. Have children only when you believe youll stay together for the next eighteen years to raise them

. Divorce only as a last resort

. Celebrate your marriage every day!

WHAT IS LOVE? LOVE is everything. At the same time, its not enough. How can both statements be true? In too many marriages, there are fleeting feelings of romance posing for love. If this book does nothing else, it should demonstrate the difference. For any marriage to work, love must be understood and experienced as a thoughtful commitment to an imperfect person.

In a good marriage, the excitement of romantic love ultimately leads to a lively, ongoing communication, a deep knowing of your partners most intimate joys and fears, sacred sex, a bedrock of trust, and a set of practical agreements to guide how youll conduct your lives together. When all these things are present you have fulfilled the promise of love in marriage. For the majority of happy couples, this process takes many years together to achieveand the results of these long-term marriages are well worth the effort. In the chapters that follow, the knowledge and skills required to sustain the love that brought you together are laid out with step-by-step guides for traversing the areas that throw roadblocks into every marriage. These areas of contention are self, money, sex, and children, and because these topics wreak the most havoc in marriage, they receive the most attention.

Other chapters address the special challenges that frequently occur in new marriages and stepfamilies. The joys of long-term marriages are also explored. Finally, Stephen Martin offers his sober assessment of what anyone should consider before making the decision to go through with a divorce.