Ron L. Deal - The Remarriage Checkup: Tools to Help Your Marriage Last a Lifetime

The Remarriage Checkup
Copyright 2010
Ron L. Deal and David H. Olson

Cover design by Koechel Peterson & Associates, Inc.

The poem In Everyones Life... by Susan Staszewski (pp. 3334) is from the Blue Mountain Arts book Love Isnt Always Easy. Copyright 1983 by Stephen Schutz and Susan Polis Schutz. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified The Message are from The Message (a Bible paraphase). Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2012

eISBN 978-1-4412-0744-9

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

This book will help you thrive in your marriage and beat the odds of divorce. The preventative information is the best I have ever seen, and the practical application covers it all. I have put The Remarriage Checkup at the top of my resource library for couples who find themselves in this beautiful and yet challenging world of remarriage.

Jim Burns, PhD

President, HomeWord

Author of Creating an Intimate Marriage, Confident Parenting, and The Purity Code

This book is a must-read for any remarried couple. It includes the tools needed to create and maintain a wonderful remarriage.

From the Foreword by Evelyn Husband Thompson

Widow of Space Shuttle Columbia Commander Rick Husband

Now remarried to Bill Thompson

With the high divorce rate among second and third marriages, this book is long overdue. Ron Deal and David Olson have done their homework, and what they have learned can help you beat the odds. It will take time and effort, but The Remarriage Checkup is the roadmap to a healthy marriage.

Gary D. Chapman, PhD

Author of The Five Love Languages and Love As a Way of Life

Remarried or marrying again? Ron Deal and David Olson have a gift for you. This book is loaded with specific, useful ideas for helping your marriage reach its full potential. Using a combination of built-in assessment tools (and online tools if you want to go deeper), they will help you identify where you are at right now in your relationship. Drawing on surveys with 50,000 remarital couples, you will pinpoint your strengths and weaknesses and develop a realistic plan for having lasting love and joy in your marriage.

Scott Stanley, PhD

Author of The Power of Commitment

Research Professor, University of Denver

Remarriages have unique challenges and different relational needs than first marriages. Based on a national study of 50,000 couples, this book is a wonderful resource for remarriage couples. Take the online Couple Checkup and get a report about your relationship, read the book, and build a relationship that lasts!

Dr. Gary Smalley

Author of The DNA of Relationships

The passion that Ron and David have for strengthening remarried couples is evident throughout this wonderfully crafted and easy-to-navigate tool. From the first page, you are drawn in and feel a sense of excitement and hopefulness. You are encouraged to be proactive and intentional about growing a strong, nurturing couple relationship and family. The recommendations are incredibly comprehensive and practical and are based on sound evidence from research on remarried couples. The Remarriage Checkup is the most up-to-date, relevant, complete guide for remarried couplesI know of no other resource like it. You will be educated, enlightened, and inspired.

Francesca Adler-Baeder, PhD

Associate Professor and Director, Center for Children,

Youth, and Families, Auburn University

Director, National Stepfamily Resource Center

To all couples willing to risk again:

Love like you have nothing to lose.

Acknowledgments

FROM RON:

Every researcher stands on the shoulders of other researchers; good research paves a path for more. The landmark research behind this book is built on countless marital and family researchers (too many to list, Im afraid), but mostly it is born out of the work of my coauthor, David H. Olson. An innovative family systems theorist, an author, and a researcher, Dr. Olsons lifelong dedication to helping families has equipped therapists and educators to be better helpers, and it has taught millions of couples throughout the world how to have a better relationship. It has been my honor (and candidly, my awe) to work with him on this project.

I also owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Dr. Olsons team at Life Innovations. Amy, Peter, Matt, Shar, et al.its been fun being part of the Couple Checkup Research Team. Lets find another five years and do more research!

To my family teamNan, Braden, Connor, and Brennanyou know I couldnt do this without you. You are my inspiration and joy. I love you.

Special thanks go to my agent, Chip MacGregor (you worked twice as hard on this one!); our editor, Ellen Chalifoux; and Bethany House Publishers. What a partnership!

Others who have encouraged this journey include Bill and Evelyn Thompson, who have seen the darker side of life and still love like they have nothing to lose. Its an honor to know you.

And finally Id like to acknowledge the thousands of remarried couples I have met over the last two decades through my live conference events, personal therapy, and Web page www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com : Thank you for sharing your stories and life journeys with me. But most of all, thank you for inspiring me to love more deeply. Despite your loss and pain, you find a way to fight for love. Well done.

FROM DAVID:

Writing a book with another person can be challenging as you work to blend your ideas and writing styles. But working with Ron was a true pleasure, as he brings his years of experience with stepfamilies as well as a fluid and clear writing style. He also has an intellectual curiosity about research, which has helped crystallize our data analysis. He was a pleasure to collaborate with on this book.

I want to thank the team of professionals at Life Innovations who helped with the data analysis and critiquing of the book. They include Karen Olson (my partner and best critic), Amy Olson-Sigg (my daughter and an exceptional writer), Sharlene Fye (computer expert and master of data analysis), and Peter Larson (president of Life Innovations, who knows how to integrate clinical and research ideas).

This book would not have been written without the data from the 50,000 couples who took PREPARE-MC (Marriage with Children), a premarital relationship profile that is designed to help couples get their stepfamilies off to a great start. The data from their lives informed us about the strengths and challenges that stepfamilies face. We have learned from their experiences and integrated their insights into this book. We thank them and wish them well.

CONTENTS

Foreword