David H. Olson - The Couple Checkup: Find Your Relationship Strengths

THE COUPLE CHECKUP

2008 by David H. Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, and Peter J. Larson

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

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Scripture quotations marked NIV are from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (NIV). 1973, 1978, 1984. International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Olson, David H. L.
The couple checkup / David H. Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, Peter J. Larson.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-7852-2827-1 (hardcover)
1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Couples. 3. Marriage. I. Olson-Sigg, Amy. II. Larson, Peter J. III. Title.
HQ801.O57 2008
646.78dc22

2008008581

Printed in the United States of America

08 09 10 11 RRD 6 5 4 3 2 1

TO ALL COUPLES

May the love that brought you together
Nurture your relationship and your family
So you may better serve others and your community.
David Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, & Peter Larson

CONTENTS

It is not so astonishing the number of things that I know, as the number of things I know that arent so.

MARK TWAIN

We may know a lot about marriage research, but lets be honest: we do not know you personally. We do not know the details of your relationship that make it unique and, in some ways, different from anyone elses relationship. You and your partner are distinct individuals with your own personalities, your our own set of life experiences, and your own relationship history. You are at a certain stage in your relationshipdating, engaged, or married. Many of you are living together without being married, while others have been married for fifty years. Because of this, it would be very bold and perhaps misguided to throw recommendations at you as if we know what is best for your relationship. The alternative stance, and the one we choose to use, is to recognize that you are the expert on your own relationship. No one can know your relationship as well as you.

The problem with self-help books is they are about the book, not about you. Even the best psychological advice available, packaged in an entertaining, lucid, encouraging book, often has little lasting impact on a persons life. Why? Because advice is mass-marketed and generic, and couple relationships are specific and unique. No one, not even the most highly skilled psychotherapist, knows what you need better than you do. Unlike psychotherapy, where a good therapist is trained to understand context, find relational patterns, and help clients catalyze their own discoveries, self-help books miss the mark because they cannot know the reader.

The great author and psychiatrist Peter Kramer wrote an entire book pondering the existence of objective advice. He contends that in order to help someone, it is necessary to really know the person. Without knowing, what appears to be advice is usually just the transmission of values enforcing cultural ideas of proper human behavior.

THE VOICES OF FIFTY THOUSAND EXPERTS

We have analyzed the marriages of over fifty thousand couples (one hundred thousand individuals) who answered extensive questions about a subject they know well: their couple relationship. We use the term expert because we trust that individuals have more expertise on their own relationship than anyone else could have. Yet we realize expertise is generally understood as both knowl-edge and ability. This is where the fun work of data analysis comes in handy. Based on how they described their marital satisfaction, we separated happy couples from unhappy couples and ran analysis on their ability to function in various capacities of life, from handling finances to dividing household tasks.

These results are compelling because they are based on the largest in-depth study of marriage ever conducted. Discoveries made by this study can be very helpful for couples who want to focus on behaviors and skills that will give them an edge in their goal to live on the happy side of this equation. For example, knowing that most happy couples work hard at having an equal relationship, compared to about half of all unhappy couples, may compel some to prioritize the work of maintaining equality in their relationship. There will be some couples, however, who do not fit into the percentages and averages and are very happy with an uneven balance of relational power and influence. For these couples, a research finding that is statistically correlated with unhappiness in most marriages may not be predictive of their own relational happiness. In this way they learn where they fit in and where they are like and unlike most other couples.

An unexaminedlife is not worthliving.

SOCRATES

EXAMINING YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP

How is this book different from any other self-help book? Besides looking top-down from the national trends of fifty thousand couples, we will help you take a very personal look at your relationship by giving you access to an online Couple Checkup. The online Couple Checkup evaluates the same areas of a relationship that form the contents of this book. This quickly personalizes the subject matter, enabling you to efficiently determine your strengths and those areas to improve in your relationship. You dont have to take the online Couple Checkup in order to benefit from this bookthe results provided here, from our massive study, offer plenty of insight for your relationship. However, the Couple Checkup tailors the information, letting you quickly learn a great deal about the current state of your own relationship.

The online Couple Checkup and the contents of this book offer an external viewpoint based on theory, research, and a common language for describing relational phenomena. This outside perspective is not intended to replace you as the expert but to help you define and describe issues that can become clouded when you are immersed in your own subjective feelings about your relationship. Rather than handing over your power to an author who knows nothing about your relationship, you will be empowered to draw your own map based on your and your partners strengths and preferences. Your road to a successful and happy relationship will be uniquely yours.

You can never step into the same river,
for new waters are always flowing onto you.

HERACLITUS OF EPHESUS

The sixth-century philosopher Heraclitus taught that nothing is permanent but everything is constantly changing. We cannot use our senses to perceive some changes because they are so gradual, yet they are real. Not only do our brains attempt to deny these truths when it comes to ourselves (our fight against aging being just one example) but we also want to believe that the people in our lives will remain stable and predictable. Our egos want to believe that relationships can be mastered, and will forever be glorious and meaningful. This is a common mistake that will eventually lead to disappointment.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS CHANGING TOO...
DO YOU LIKE THE DIRECTION IT IS GOING?