Ron L. Deal - The Smart Stepmom: Practical Steps to Help You Thrive

2009 by Ron L. Deal and Laura Petherbridge

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 4.19.2012, 02.18.2022

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1099-9

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations identified NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission. www.lockman.com

Cover design by Eric Walljasper

DEDICATION

To my mother: Your presence is and has always been a warm
blanket of love. Thank you.

And to all the stepmoms who shared their struggles, joys,
and hopes with usthis book is for you.

Thank you for choosing to love.

Ron

To my stepsons, Scott and Todd.

We have traveled this journey together.

For the times I was a wonderful stepmomgive God all the glory.

For the times I was a wicked stepmotherplease forgive me.

Laura

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Ron

I cannot write a book without support. If it werent for my lovingchildren , Braden, Connor, and Brennan, and encouraging wife , Nan, theres no way this project would have happened. I am truly grateful for your support through the years and am humbled by your love.

This project is fortunate to have Laura Petherbridge as coauthor. I am so grateful for her writing skills, guidance, and wisdom. This book wouldnt be as practical or compelling without her contribution.

In addition, this book stands on the shoulders of thousands ofstepmoms who have shared their struggles, victories, and hopes with us through the years. Your transparency will help countless other step-moms. Thank you.

And finally, much thanks to the Amarillo South Church for supporting my efforts to strengthen stepfamilies throughout the world.

Laura
A special thanks to:

My friend and author Eva Marie Everson, you saw my potential and showed me the ropes.

The ladies in my writers group: Donna, Gloria, Laurie, LeAnne, Nicole, and Ruth. God used you to teach me how to write. You are true friends who have loved me in good times and bad.

My prayer team: Without you Id be writing and speaking on my own strengthnot a pretty picture.

My Web designer, Joanne Sample: You make my life so much easier and more colorful.

Sister stepmoms : You shared your pain and your passion, which made this book relevant for todays issues. Im so grateful.

Ron Deal, my friend and coauthor: I appreciate your huge heart for stepfamilies. Thanks for your confidence that we would make a good team on this project.

My precious husband, Steve: There is no one Id rather be married to. You love me, and believe in me, like no one else.

My Savior, Jesus Christ: You are the reason I breathe.

From both of us:

Thanks to Kyle Duncan and Bethany House Publishers . We are grateful for your heart and vision for a group of books for stepfamilies. Thank you for paving the way to hope for so many throughout the world. A special thank-you to our editor, Ellen Chalifoux you make us look good!

To our agents, Chip MacGregor and Wendy Lawton : We appreciate your knowledge, hard work, patience, and friendship.

Contents

INTRODUCTION

A counselor I (Ron) know opened a small envelope that arrived in his daily mail. The return address on the envelope and the Hallmark logo on the back told him it was a greeting card from former clients. Karen and Bill, a stepfamily couple each with two children from previous relationships, had been married about six years. The couple initially came to therapy because Karen felt lonely and completely powerless in her home. My husbands ex-wife has more influence over what goes on in my home than I do, she said in the first session. Bill is caught between me, his kids, and his ex; I just dont have a place. Weve been married six years, and I still feel so small in this family.

The counselor spent a number of sessions with the couple and their children working through issues. Karen seemed more optimistic about their future. The onset of summer brought added busyness to the couple so their counselor hadnt heard from them in a while. He was pleased to receive the greeting card and was eager to catch up on how they were doing. He opened the envelope. The front of the card read With Special Thanks.

Thats a good sign, he thought. Things must be going pretty well. He turned to the inside of the card and began reading. I just wanted to thank you for trying to help me and Bill in our marriage. Unfortunately I have filed for divorce.... What? he thought. What happened to cause this downward turn? He called Karen and she explained. Stress had taken its toll, her husband was even less willing than before to support her role as stepmom, and her own children were showing signs of distress. She had lost hope. Its just so difficult being a stepmom, she said. I tried so hard not to get to this point. Im tired, and I just dont know what else to do. Im going back to being a single mom.

We dont want this to happen to you.

One estimate suggests that the stepfamily will soon become (if it isnt already) the most common family form in America, Despite this prevalence, stepmothers dont have a role model and often feel insignificant to their family. Peace, for many stepmothers, is ever elusive.

I (Ron) have been working with couples and families as a therapist and family educator for more than two decades. When I started speaking and writing specifically about the needs of stepfamilies in 1997, I had no idea how hungry stepfamily couples were for practical guidance. Due to the positive response, I began speaking around the country on a regular basis, started SuccessfulStepfamilies.com , conducted media interviews whenever I could, and wrote my first book, entitled The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family. I wanted stepfamilies to get smarter so they could beat the odds of divorce and find peace.

Today, through book and video resources, Web articles, a free monthly e-magazine, and marriage therapy intensives, Successful Stepfamilies is touching the lives of thousands on a regular basis. Yet despite these efforts, emails from around the world and stories about well-intentioned people like Karen taught me that our efforts were not enough. We had to do more.

Determined to offer more guidance, I again approached Bethany House Publishers with the idea to follow up The Smart Stepfamily with several more books for stepfamilies; they agreed. This first book is for youthe stepmom. Partnering with me on this project is my friend and co-champion for stepmoms, Laura Petherbridge. She is a divorce recovery expert featured on the DivorceCare DVD series that has equipped over 12,000 churches around the world, and shes also the author of When I Do Becomes I Dont: Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce. A professional speaker, Laura conducts seminars on womens issues, divorce prevention, and spiritual growth. She has helped thousands of people walk through the transitions associated with divorce and remarriage. However, its her personal credentials that make her the perfect coauthor for this book. As a child Laura experienced the trauma of her parents divorce and later became a stepdaughtertwice. As an adult she has survived a divorce and has been a stepmother of two since 1985. Speaking as someone who has been there, is doing that, she brings much-needed practical insight and life-chiseled wisdom to this Smart Stepmom resource.