Ron L. Deal - The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family

2002, 2014 by Ron L. Deal

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2014

Ebook corrections 10.18.2016, 04.26.2017, 05.09.2018, 02.07.2022

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-6420-6

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations identified ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2011

Scripture quotations identified NIRV are from the Holy Bible, New International Readers Version. NIrV. Copyright 1995, 1996, 1998 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

Scripture quotations labeled Message are from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

All names and recognizable details have been changed to protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories for this book.

Cover design by Eric Walljasper

Endorsements for The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal

This book offers clear advice on how to solve the common challenges faced by all who enter a second marriage with children. I highly recommended the first edition, and I am even more excited about this new edition.

from the foreword by Gary Chapman, PhD, author of The Five Love Languages

Ron Deal has given the church and stepfamilies a real gem.... He compassionately and competently describes the spiritual and relational challenges facing stepfamilies. Ron provides practical and wise instruction for successfully navigating the stepfamily journey. The Smart Stepfamily is the best book available for stepfamilies that Ive seen.... Buy it, read it, and share it with a friend.

Dr. Dennis Rainey, president, FamilyLife, and author of Stepping Up

The Smart Stepfamily has become THE go-to book for anyone interested in the difficult task of blending a family. Weve pointed countless couples to this outstanding resource. And this revised and updated edition is better than ever!

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, founders of MarriageMentoring.com, and authors of Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts

Ron Deal has, by far, the best material available on stepfamilies. The insights and suggestions he shares work. Every stepfamily will benefit from reading this book.

H. Norman Wright, licensed marriage, family, and child therapist, founder of Christian Marriage Enrichment, and author

I love this book! It adds an important dimension to the understanding of stepfamilies and reads as if sitting down with wise friends. Written on the information is power premise, The Smart Stepfamily weaves together a review of biblical materials, current psychological and sociological research, best practices, practical insights, and anecdotal stories to educate and support stepfamilies and the clergy who serve them.

Dr. Margorie Engel, former president and CEO, Stepfamily Association of America

I have long recommended Ron Deals work as the very best for stepfamilies. If you are looking for a clear, hands-on resource to strengthen your family from a deeply Christian perspective, youve come to the right place.

Scott M. Stanley, PhD, research professor, University of Denver, and coauthor of A Lasting Promise

When people come up to me at a parenting seminar and are looking for a great resource on stepparenting, I give them two words: Ron Deal. I believe Ron Deals insight is the very best in America on this subject. This book is practical, positive, and brings hope. The Smart Stepfamily is my go to resource for this important subject.

Jim Burns, PhD, president, HomeWord, and author of Confident Parenting and Creating an Intimate Marriage

Ron Deal is the go-to-guy for stepfamilies. His revision of The Smart Stepfamily is practical, insightful, biblical, and just plain fabulous!! Todays stepfamily is hurting, and Ron reveals how to overcome the complexities and create a marriage that can go the distance. With the vast number of stepfamilies, this resource should be in the hands of every pastor, church leader, and marriage ministry.

Laura Petherbridge, author, international speaker, and founder of Sisterhood of Stepmoms

Ron Deals new edition of The Smart Stepfamily is a must-have resource for remarried couples who are just starting out or who have been on the stepfamily journey for decades. Rons personal experience of loss since the first edition has intensified his compassion for the challenges of remarried couples.

The combination of updated research, practical advice, and related stories provides excellent direction for stepfamilies and remarried couples. The hazards in the trenches of stepfamily life can be conquered through redemption and forgiveness. Honestly, the resources, research, and encouragement bear witness to our personal experience of blending a family into a new hopeful legacy!

Gil and Brenda Stuart, authors and codirectors, Restored and Remarried

This book is vital for all stepfamilies and for the professionals and clergy who serve them. Its the first book I recommend when someone asks about resources for stepfamilies. Yes, its partly because all the information and the practices suggested are empirically sound; but mostly its because Ron shares his wealth of knowledge and experience with an open, loving, and generous heart. You will be comforted, uplifted, and empowered.

Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder, professor of human development and family studies, director of the National Stepfamily Resource Center, Auburn University, Alabama

To my wife and best friend, Nan
Three diamonds
All my love, for all my life

Contents

Discover a redemptive God who loves, forgives, and provides strength and direction for the journey

Adjust your expectations and learn how to cook a stepfamily

Your marriage must be a top priority

With the parenting team (co-parenting)

Parent and stepparent roles

Unique Parenting Roles and Issues

The pitfalls common to stepfamilies

Financial pitfalls: managing your money

The wilderness: Overcoming special challenges

Into the Promised Land

Foreword

N ot all stepfamilies are alike. Some have young children; others, teenagers or young adults. Some are the result of divorce, while others come after the death of a spouse. However, there is one thing every stepfamily has in common: family members have a history that involved at least one other parent and spouse. Memories of the past may be pleasant or painful, but those memories do influence attitudes and emotions.

The high divorce rate in first marriages indicates that building a loving, supportive, caring marital relationship is not easy. However, those who succeed find marriage to be very satisfying. The fact that the divorce rate is higher for second marriages indicates that building a second marriage is even more difficult. Those who succeed find it worth the effort.

For those who have been widowed, the first marriage may have been a wonderful relationship or one with many struggles. If the relationship was fulfilling, they anticipate the second marriage will be fully as good as the first. But without help, many of them may be disappointed.