Jed Jurchenko - 131 Conversations for Stepfamily Success: How to Grow Intimacy, Parent as a Team, and Build a Joyful Home

Contents

Conversations For

Stepfamily Success

How to Grow Intimacy,

Parent as a Team,

and Build a Joyful Home

Jed and Jenny Jurchenko

2017 by Jed Jurchenko.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review distributed through electronic media, or printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.

Scripture quoted by permission.

All scripture quotations,

unless otherwise indicated,

are taken from the NET Bible

copyright 1996-2006

by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C.

All rights reserved.

This book is dedicated to the multitude of stepfamilies committed to growing from past mistakes, connecting deeply, and building a joyful home!

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Joyful Stepfamily

S tepfamilies and circus plate-spinners have much in common. Both execute a fragile balancing act. Our relationships with our spouse, children, and stepchildren are delicate, like fine china and precious beyond compare. Connecting with these important people, amidst the hustle and bustle of life, is tricky. Sadly, like an overloaded circus act, far too many stepfamilies come crashing down.

Research suggests that stepfamilies have the odds stacked against them. Older data reports that 50% of first marriages, 67 % of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. . Though the numbers differ, both statistics make it abundantly clear that remarriage is more difficult than marriage.

Stepfamilies are sometimes referred to as blended families, and the two terms are used interchangeably throughout this book. Stepfamilies are more common than many people realize. They account for nearly 40% of the married couples living in the United States. Although remarriage is the primary reason that families blend, it is not the only reason. Blended families also form through foster parenting, adoption, and grandparents raising grandchildren. Whatever your circumstances, Jenny and I are thrilled to support you and your spouse in teaming-up to defy the odds.

Stepfamily Obstacles

Stepfamilies are complex and each one comes with its own set of nuances. Nevertheless, every stepfamily must overcome four specific obstacles.

Obstacle #1: Past Trauma

When it comes to stepfamily obstacles, trauma tops the list. All stepfamilies are acquainted with pain. Some know the ache of divorce. For others, it is the death of a spouse. Children hurt too. Feeling caught in the middle of the conflict between mom and dad, and the frustration of having to divide their time between two homes, are some of the common wounds of children.

Trauma is a life-organizing event. Like a pair of dark glasses that envelops the world in a gloomy haze, unaddressed pain diminishes the light of joy in life.

Obstacle #2: Family Overload

A second challenge stems from having too many cooks in the kitchen. Stepfamilies have a multitude of relationships to manage. In addition to parents and grandparents, there are stepparents, step-grandparents, as well as bonus aunts, uncles, and cousins. Although family is a blessing, additional members mean more opinions. This creates further opportunities for conflict. Balancing these relationships in a healthy way can be exhausting and time-consuming.

Obstacle #3: Shame, Blame, and Guilt

Nearly everyone in a stepfamily feels badly about something. Children frequently assume the responsibility for the divorce of their parents. Of course, it is irrational for a child to believe that he or she caused the divorce. Nevertheless, their guilt is real.

Parents feel badly about the chaos that preceded the breakup and about the impact of the separation on their children. Stepparents feel guilty about entering into another parent's role and the disappointment of missing so many firsts in their stepchildren's lives. Finally, the countless foster parents I spoke with expressed feelings of insufficiency. It was as if a nagging voice in their head continually whispered, "You should be doing more."

Obstacle #4: The Pressure to Blend

Lastly, there is the pressure of blending itself. In stepfamilies, cohesion happens slowlytaking much longer than it does in traditional families. Yet, the pressure to unite is ever-present. Undue stress may come from friends, family members, or self-imposed ideas about how a family should be.

This pressure to blend is problematic because it produces the opposite effect. In many ways, uniting a stepfamily is like falling asleep. When we attempt to force things, the process feels impossible. However, when we patiently calm ourselves, the desired outcome naturally transpires.

As you can see, stepfamilies carry additional burdens that traditional families never know. Truly, the odds are not in our favor.

Defying the Odds

This book is for parents who long to defy the odds. It is for super-moms and dads-of-steel who believe that their family is worth the effort. Although stepfamily life is challenging, it can also be good incredibly good! Jenny and I know because we live what we teach. Our stepfamily is packed with joy, love, and a host of challenges, all at the same time!

Jenny and I are acquainted with guilt, and know the pressures that society places on stepfamilies to blend quickly. The two of us understand how difficult it is to parent effectively amidst a host of outside opinions. We are also acutely aware of the complexities of remaining connected to each other while navigating each of these obstacles. Yet, in spite of all of this, our home is filled with love, laughter, and copious amounts of joy. Jenny and I want you to know that stepfamily success is possible, and it is within your reach!

Stepfamily Joy

Jenny and I believe in Stepfamilies. We want you to understand that challenges are normal, and want you to know that you are not alone on your journey. In this book, we present practical solutions to common stepfamily problems, while simultaneously providing a glimpse of how wonderful stepfamily life can be.

The primary goal of this book is to support you and your spouse in connecting deeply, because parents are the foundation of the home. When parents unite, the family is strong. On the other hand, when a solid bond between mom and dad is missing, the rest of the family crumbles.

The Psychology of Connection

Years ago, psychology focused on helping couples improve their communication skills. During couple's therapy sessions, spouses would practice parroting back what their partner said in order to assure that each person was heard correctly. It was assumed that good communication led to a healthy relationship. Couples were taught to manage their tempers, communicate clearly, and to create compromise. In short, couples were taught how to argue better.