Ron L. Deal - The Smart Stepdad: Steps to Help You Succeed

2011 Ron L. Deal

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2011

Ebook corrections 02.16.2022

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1464-5

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations identified KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Cover design by Eric Walljasper

At Focus on the Family, we routinely hear from fathers facing the challenges associated with remarriage and living in a blended family. The Smart Stepdad is like a lifeline to these menand to their wives, as wellwith practical advice and biblical counsel.

Jim Daly
President, Focus on the Family

To climb Stepdad Mountain you need a climbing guide; Ron Deal and this book are it. Get started.

Dr. Kevin Leman
Have a New Kid by Friday

The Smart Stepdad sheds a bright light on the unique challenges of being a stepdad. Your role is vital to your family and this book can help you find success.

John Rosemond
Family psychologist
Author of The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works!

Finally!!! This book is long overdue. It is an absolute must-read for any stepdad or man who is dating a woman with children. Ron has given a very clear map for success for men who are in one of the most important positions in the kingdom.

Dr. Chuck Stecker
President / Founder of A Chosen Generation

Dedication

To my dad
mentor, teacher, and coach in what matters mostbaayo.

To all the stepdads
who are striving to be a mentor, teacher, and coach to another mans child.

And to the heavenly Father
thank you for adopting us as your sons and daughters
and teaching us the heart-softening power
of stubborn, determined love.

Acknowledgments

Being a dad and trying to write about being a good dad is quite a humbling endeavor. Thankfully my wife, Nan, and my boys have given me lots of grace. I am so grateful for your patience with my on-the-job training in being a father. I love you into eternity.

For this project I enlisted the help of a few good men. My stepdad focus group contributed an immeasurable amount of wisdom, practical insight, and challenging scenarios that helped me pull together a useful project. Guys, your guidance will bring blessings to families the world over. Thank you.

This book is yet another addition to the stepfamily resource library, all published by Bethany House Publishers. For years I heard complaints about how difficult it was to find practical, value-centered materials to help stepfamilies. Thanks to Bethany House, that just isnt true anymore. Im especially grateful to Kyle, Brett, Tim, and Jim for your vision and dedication to get the word out. And to my editor, Ellen, thank you. Boy do you make me look good!

And finally, a special thank-you to my friend, fellow struggler in the faith, and literary agent, Chip MacGregor. You nursed me through this one, buddy. I cant thank you enough for the extra time and counsel you put into helping me write this book during a difficult season of my life and yours.

Contents

Section I

Getting It Right

In the United States 50% of children will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime;

Stepchildren who have a good relationship with both their stepfather and their nonresident biological father have better outcomes than children who have good relationships with just their father.

Introduction

Stepdad: Hero or Hostile Takeover?

Imagine beginning a new job. Its your first day and you show up fifteen minutes early because you cant curb your enthusiasm. Youre excited about the new opportunity and the future it will provide your family, but upon arriving, you discover that your boss didnt prepare for you to show upnot just early, but at all. They hired you for a very important position, but no one has done anything to arrange for your employment. Theres an empty office but no promised administrative assistant, no budget, and no name on the door (in fact, the name of the person who formerly held that position is still legible on the dooris this your office now, or still his?). Your department goals are unspecified and theres no one to explain your job description, nor do they provide guidance on how your job fits in with the companys mission. You cant even find the lunchroom! With the hope of gaining clarification of your role, you talk to your immediate supervisor and team members only to discover that they have differing opinions as to your role, goals, and even whether you should have been hired. Some consider you a hero for the company, while others judge you a rascal who is moving in for a hostile takeover.

One co-worker is very excited to see you and confesses (while no one else is listening) that she lobbied heavily for you to be hired. She believes you have the skills and knowledge to play this role welland cant wait for the rest of the team to get to know you.

On the other hand, your staff doesnt understand why they are expected to report to you, and they resent the changes happening around them. I thought we still reported to our previous supervisor, one worker comments. You have different expectations and an odd management style. To be honest, Im not sure I like itor you.

For Mom

I recommend that Mom read this book as well. In fact, I have added sidebars throughout that provide tips just for herthere are even two chapters in the middle that are specifically written for her (and you). So, Mom, if you sheepishly started reading wondering if you were allowed to peek, go right ahead. Keep reading!

By noon youre wondering if youve made a mistake by taking this job. And your previous enthusiasm has been crushed, pulverized into a mire of confusion.

As a stepdad, you have been hired for a very important job. And yet despite its significance, the work environment you have acquired is sometimes very confusingand other times not. Being successful as the new person in this company depends heavily on finding your fit, identifying your responsibilities and objectives, and buddying up with your allies.

This book will show you how.

Heroes by Choice

I have a lot of respect for stepdads. If you ask me, you are heroes. You carry all the responsibilities and obligations of fatherhood, you provide for your family (and sometimes make up for what another man fails to do for his children), and you serve as a leader and coach to children (whether young or old) who are not your own. And you do it all by choice. Thats pretty awesome in my book, especially when some staff remain unappreciative and think youre launching a hostile takeover.

The judgments placed on stepdads vary tremendously depending on whom you ask. Your biological children, if you have them, will likely declare you a hero (unless they are jealous of the time you spend with their stepsiblings). Your stepchildren may think youre either the best thing since sliced bread or an invader, and everything in between. And your wife, who hired you, obviously wants you there but may not always know how to work with you.

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