Stacey James Wheeler - Stepdad 101: What to Know Before You Marry a Single Mom

For Chastity, Brandon and Katarina

Anyone can be a father,

but it takes someone special to be a dad.
- Anne Geddes

Foreword

The percentage of children who live apart from their biological fathers has tripled since 1960, from 11 to 33 percent.

2008 Current Population Survey from the U.S. Census Bureau

This guide was written from the perspective of a man whos been a stepdad. As a group, stepdads dont get much respect. Society tends to judge groups based on the actions of their worst members. As society matures and evolves these negative biases have started changing for many groups. Religious organizations, racial groups, and even political parties are less likely today to be Pidgeon-holed because of the actions of a small minority of their members. But not stepdads! Theres still a stigma attached to this group. I dont let that bother me. I know Im a stepdad, and Im proud to be. But I make a point of acting as a parent. I raised them like I made them. In doing this Im not trying to replace my kids father; Im simply being another parent. Ive completely embraced the role. Im someone who has their best interests at heart. Im proud to be my kids parent.

Being a stepdad isnt easy. Your experiences can be challenging and frustrating at timesand thats okay. Whether youre the biological father or a step, parenting is never simple. Ask anyone whos been a dad for a while, and hell tell you its work. Being a stepdad requires that same amount of effortand then some. Married couples understand theyll have a certain number of challenges. Stepdads have a long list of additional obstacles traditional married couples dont have to overcome. Ill cover those in great detail in the following chapters.

The challenges stepdads face create a higher level of stress in these marriages. How high is the stress level? According to research published in 2013, stepdads are nearly twice as likely to request a divorce, compared to men in traditional marriages. The stress levels vary from couple to couple, but every stepdad should expect an increased number of challenges and higher level of stress. These challenges cant be completely avoided, but they can be reduced by understanding the causes. If you decide to become a stepdad, its vital to identify possible trouble areas so you can overcome the issues before they completely develop. Ive included tools and suggestions throughout the book to help. Following these recommendations will help you reduce your stress levels and improve your odds of staying married.

Before you say I do, accept the fact that youre probably going to fail. The statistics consistently show the vast majority of stepdads marriages end in divorce. The divorce rates are worse than the odds youll find at the average casino. For most people who gamble, the decision is based on emotionnot logic. The decision to marry a single mom is also an emotional decision. That doesnt make it wrong; its just the reality. We make many decisions throughout our lives, which work out fine. Its important to put in some work to make sure this one works out too.

The men who read this book will ultimately fall into one of three groups when theyre done reading. One group of guys will decide the rules dont apply to them. Theyll make no changes and make no preparations as they move forward with their marriage plans. Less than a third of all these men will succeed in their marriage.

Another group will accept the challenges as their new reality. They will apply the recommendations offered in the book and improve their odds of success. They will still have lower than 50 percent odds, but will have developed the attitude necessary for success. Those who put in the work and make a life-long commitment to being a parent will improve their odds even more. They will work to strengthen their marriage and family by continuing their research at sites like Stepdadding.com and working to be a good husband and parent.

The final group will decide they arent ready to be a stepdads. This is a respectable and mature decision. I respect a man who knows hes not cut out for the job. He almost surely would have failed as a stepdad. By deciding not to say I do, he will avoid years of stress and struggle and save a woman and her children the pain of a divorce and broken family. His decision not to marry will help lower the stepdad divorce rates.

Having a solid understanding of the stress factors is vital. To give you the best understanding of the challenges stepdads face, Ive combined my personal experiencesas a non-biological father of threewith statistics and little-known facts. Through years of work as a family dynamics researcher Ive uncovered many legal, emotional, and societal realities. These are often overlooked by men who marry single moms. These men unknowingly put themselves in a highly vulnerable position when they make a commitment before they know all the facts. In order to make an informed decision, you need a real-world perspective. Its important to have the answer to questions you may not know to ask.

Do stepdads have any legal standing with the kids?

What happens if you split up?

Do stepdads ever have to pay child support?

Can stepdads get custody or visitation if they divorce?

What invisible challenges and dangers should stepdads be aware of?

How do you deal with her ex?

Is bonding as a family any different as a stepdad?

What should you do if the kid says, Youre not my dad?

In the next hundred pages or so, Im going to share the true realities of being a stepfather. Ill back these experiences with statistics and facts. Ill cover all of these issues and many more. To give a well-rounded view of the issues and struggles, Ill share two perspectives:

1) The legal/statistical perspective (hard facts and figures)

2) Real life (stories from guys whove been stepdads and have offered their experiences)

Moms will also find the book helpful. It will give them a better understanding of the challenges their guy faces. When a wife understands her husbands challenges shes able to better support him as a parent. Nothing has more of a positive influence on a stepdads parenting success than his wife. The perspectives I share are from my own experience and the experiences of other stepdads whose stories Ive gathered from years of interviews and reader mail from Stepdadding.com. Id like to take a moment to thank the men who shared their stories. These guys have taken on the challenging task of being a stepdad. In the process they learned important lessons they wish they had known before they married. Not all of these men succeeded. I share their experiences for the benefit of other men making the same commitment, in the hopes that the lessons of their failures will help you succeed.

How the Facts Are Presented

The information Ive shared will be supported with statistics when statistics can be found. More than four years have been spent collecting and categorizing the facts. There isnt nearly enough research conducted specifically on this topic, so related statistics are hard to find. In fact, some of the things Ill discuss have had no research done on them, so they have no supporting statistics at all. Ive conducted studies and interviews to fill in many of the blanks. In cases where there are multiple studies that have varied results, Ive broken these down to find an average, or a general agreement about the results. I understand you want the facts, but you dont want to read through hundreds of charts and graphs, so I kept it simple. Ive shared them in the most user-friendly way possible.

The idea of studying stepdad family dynamics is still fairly new. Ive supplemented the information available from government statistics, university studies, and privately funded studies with my own research. Studies havent been done on all topics in all countries, so I share whats availableas they apply to the subjects I talk about. Because of cultural similarities, statistical results from Western society countries usually mirror each other.