Sharilee Swaity - 16 Gifts from a Stepmom: Encouragement for the Blended Family Journey

Copyright 2019 by Sharilee Swaity

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review, or another situation which constitutes fair use. You may reach the author at .

Please note that all advice given is the opinion of the author and not to be substituted for the readers own wisdom and discretion. Additionally, this book is for informational purposes only and not to be substituted for professional advice. The author will not be held responsible for any advice given in this volume.

Please note that some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Created with Vellum

To my stepsons

Thank you to my editor, Debra L. Butterfield. I so much appreciate your fierce commitment to detail and high standards. You have shaped my manuscript into something so much better than I ever could have on my own. Thank you for being my coach and cheerleader in this whole process.

Thank you to all the stepmoms who took the time to answer my surveys and do the interviews. You have helped me understand your lives better, so that I can help others in the journey. I appreciated your candour and openness so much.

Thank you to my husband, Vern, who has been patient as I stay up late to write, sometimes (okay,often!) leaving other duties undone in my quest to get my words to paper. You were the one who first whispered in my ear ten years ago, Why dont you write, helping me to resurrect a childhood dream and to never give up.

Thank you to my mom, Sharon Ramona Clark, who taught me how to love unconditionally and never give up on people. You loved writing, too, and shared your passion for pen and paper by example. Some of my greatest memories were when you woke us with a poem you had worked on the night before. I miss you, Mom, and think about you every day.

Are you a stepmom? Do you feel like your situation couldnt get any crazier? Do you feel like no one could possibly understand what you are going through?

Although you may feel alone in your struggles, the reality is that you are far from alone. One out of every three couples getting married today is forming a stepfamily!

Youre part of a growing tribe of women who step in to love their partners kids. You entered the family as an outsider to a pre-existing system with its own customs, traditions and history.

You hope youre making a difference but find the obstacles and rejection overwhelming. You may even secretly wonder if youve made a mistake and fantasize of escaping your situation.

Im a stepmother, too. My kids are grown now, but I remember well how, at the beginning, I felt invisible, awkward, and even apologetic for invading everyones space. I wasnt sure of how to connect with the family and felt alone.

I hope this book encourages you and gives you a new vision for your role as a stepmother. You are an unsung hero who has stepped in to love someone elses kids. You were brave enough to take on children who were still hurting.

You have been a stranger in a foreign land, all for the sake of love, for the sake of a new beginning. You are willing to bear the stigma of the stepmother role, to be misunderstood by the world, for the sake of building a new family.

I think the hardest thing about being a stepmom is that you are a stranger. It is hard to figure how to build connections with these children that you did not birth, but who are now a permanent part of your life. How do you get to know them and let them get to know you? How do you make the journey to becoming less of a stranger?

The sixteen gifts are ways of helping you connect with the kids endowments that will help build trust and love. They are gifts because they are given freely, without cost to the recipient. They often require sacrifice on the givers part, and like physical gifts, they help to build connections between the giver and the receiver.

Before our marriage, I spoke to my husbands ex-partner and asked if she was okay with me being in the childrens lives. She said yes, and said shed told her sons another person in their lives meant another person to give them presents.

They were young, and she was helping them see the good side of a confusing situation, but there was an even deeper meaning to her words. We stepmoms have presents to give and not just birthday presents! We provide presents like our unconditional acceptance, our time, and our encouragement.

Each chapter of this book is devoted to a gift that stepmoms can offer their family. For some sections, I am sure you will feel a sense of recognition that you are already doing these things. For these chapters, take the time to celebrate your contributions. Other chapters may be new to you and may challenge you to try something new.

The gifts may seem to repeat sometimes or run into each other. For example, patience is part of compassion, and listening is part of encouragement. Think of the gift analogy as a lens that can help us see things in a new way, but the chapters do bleed into one another.

My book is based on a combination of research and personal experience. I share bits and pieces of my own story. I also conducted several surveys with other stepmoms. Please note that some of the names and details of the stories in this book have been changed to protect anonymity.

In addition, Ive spent hours and hours researching academic studies, articles and journals to better understand this complex topic. In my research, Ive learned some interesting things that I am privileged to share with you.

Most of all, my desire is that this book will inspire and encourage you as a stepmom. The book is not meant to be a step-by-step manual of blended family living. If that is what you are looking for, I highly recommend the following resource:

Stepparenting: Everything You Need to Know to Make it Work

I hope that by reading my book, you will feel less alone in your journey. I hope these gifts will inspire you to not give up on forming lifetime connections with these children who are now a permanent part of your life!

To finish off the chapter, I want to share one little story. A few years ago, my husband and I loved to watch a show called Secret Millionaire.

Each week, a wealthy businessperson was featured. This entrepreneur had decided to give away a substantial sum of cash. To help him determine where to donate, the future benefactor would disguise himself with a bad haircut and geeky glasses, and volunteer anonymously at several organizations.

After spending a few days at each place, he would choose the most deserving charity and reveal his true identity to them. Being a stepmother is a lot like being a secret millionaire. Youve got so much to give to your stepchildren, but it is very likely that they just dont realize it yet.

I am a stepmom, too, just like you. My step kids are older now but I will always be in their lives. Ive been a bonus mom for over ten years now and have watched the boys grow from awkward teenagers to confident men.