Gregory K. Popcak - The Exceptional Seven Percent: The Nine Secrets of the Worlds Happiest Couples

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

W HILE IT has been my privilege to put these words to paper, I would not have been able to credibly write a single sentence if this book had not already been written in the daily life of my marriage. In this all-important sense, I wish to credit my wife as a true coauthor. She has allowed our marriage to be the laboratory for everything in The Exceptional Seven Percent. In addition to being a truly good woman, an enviable mother, and a generous lover, she is my best critic, my most astute advisor, and a patient editor. To me, she is everything God created woman to be, and I am daily blessed by her loving presence.

Likewise, I offer my gratitude to the people at Carol Publishing Group, specifically Carrie Cantor, for generously supporting this project; my agent, Jennifer Blose, at the Lee Shore Literary Agency; and B.V.M. (you know who you are) for her gentle guidance throughout the years.

Epilogue: Building Your Own Exceptional Marriage

A S WE COME to the end of our time together, I would like to offer you my gratitude for allowing me to accompany you this far on your marital journey. It is my hope that in each chapter you came away with something you did not have when you started, were reminded of something you used to do but have since forgotten, received some validation for the things you are already doing well in your marriage, and were given some glimpse of the work that still lies ahead of you.

When I talk to couples about Exceptional marriages, I usually get one of three responses. The first is pure disbelief, Exceptional marriages are too good to be true. But they are not, and research has shown this to be the case. I urge you to resist the temptation to deny the existence of that which you fear you cannot attain, because it is attainable. The second response is, Sure, anyone would love to have a marriage like that, but its too hard. Its just not realistic for me. Whether this is true or not really depends upon what you decide to build your life around. People make time for what is truly important to them. In the first chapter, you clarified the theme around which you have built your life and marriage. Think about that theme again and ask yourself this question, Is it enough? If it is, if you are satisfied, then with all my heart I am happy for you. But if you want more from your lifeeven if it is already a good lifethen I would invite you to respond to this book the way the third group of people do, by saying, Sign me up. It sounds like a lot of work, but how wonderful!

Exceptional marriage is hard work. But it is a labor of love because, as you read in chapter 5, love is the labor of marriage. Doing this work enables you and your mate to become collaborative geniuses; to not only to have a wonderfully intimate, passionate, and soulful marriage, but also become the people you want to be when you grow up.

When a couple has gotten what they came for out of their counseling experience, I like to spend the last session or two reminding them of what worked best and designing a care plan for their marriage, basically an individually tailored Owners Manual for the care and feeding of their relationship. At this time, I would like to offer you a similar service.

Marriage: An Owners Manual

Cars, boats, homes, gardensall have one. In fact, just about every valuable thing comes with one. Why dont marriages have maintenance schedules? Most people know how often they have to change their oil, till their garden, rotate their tires, replace their furnace screens, but do you know how often to oil your marriage? Follow the schedule below for a well-maintained relationship.

Every Day

Say, I do every day. Remember, each exchange between you and your mate is another opportunity to affirm or tear down your marriage. For the sake of your relationship and your personal dignity, choose love.

Ask yourself, What can I do to make my spouses life a little easier, more fulfilling, more pleasant today? Then, do it.

Find small ways to demonstrate affection. Catch your mate being good. Be generous with kisses, hugs, compliments, and calls from the office.

Take some time to talk with your mate. Catch up on the news. Solve todays problems. Address issues with the children. Discuss plans for the future.

Pray. Ask God as you understand the concept to help you become the lover God would be to your spouse.

Every Week

Celebrate a family ritual. Have a big meal, even if your family is just the two of you; join a team together. Do anything that will solidify the unique bond that is your marriage and family.

Are you and your mate getting fifteen hours a week together to talk, work together, and rekindle the romance? What changes do you need to make in your schedule to make sure you get your fifteen hours next week?

Review your Twenty-five Ways to Make LoveEvery Day list (page 90). Are you keeping up? What new loving actions should you add?

Every Month

Assuming your children are developmentally ready or physically healthy enough, go out as a couple at least once per month. If you cant go out, arrange to have couple time at home. Set the kids up with a video, or even have the sitter come to your house, while you and your mate enjoy a piece of pie and grown-up conversation over candlelight in the dining room.

Every Three Months

Review the chapter on Exceptional Negotiation. How are you doing? What skills do you still need to develop or practice? How, specifically, will you develop those skills?

Every Six Months

Ask your mate how you could be an even better spouse. Receive any criticism graciously, give criticism kindly, and act on the discussion.

Read a book on some aspect of marriage /or family life together.

Once a Year

Go on a retreat together; do a marriage encounter weekend or some other marriage enrichment program, or spend a weekend away at a favorite, quiet place playing together with your spouse and children, discussing the goals of your marriage and family for the coming year.

Following these recommendations will help you assure the continued growth and health of your marriage.

Emergency Maintenance

Sometimes certain problems occur that require your taking your marriage into the shop. Yes, it can be expensive, and yes, it is always a pain, but keeping a marriage in good working order sometimes requires some professional assistance. How can you tell when its time for a check up?

Counseling is automatically indicated if...

Your arguments are becoming physical.

Many of your arguments occur while one or the other of you is drunk or high, or many of your arguments are over drinking or drug use.

You are fantasizing about having an affair.

You are spending more and more time with a friend of the opposite sex who you feel understands you better than your mate (even if your intentions are pure).

You or your mate seem to be avoiding each other.

When you look at your mate, you get a sinking feeling in your gut, or become angry and irritable for no reason.

Not every issue is cause for counseling, but some other issues (or combination of issues) may warrant special attention. Take the following quiz to see if you are due for a marital tune-up. Mark each statement T for true or F for false.

____My mate and I keep having the same arguments over and over.

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