John W. Jacobs - All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage

Laura is crying tears of outrage and disbelief. When she and Keith took their vows five years ago, she really meant the for-better-or-worse part. She never thought shed end up in the office of a couples therapist trying to explain why she wants a divorce. I just cant stand the fighting anymore.

Keith is fed up, too. They cant go a day without locking horns; last night they even argued about where to take their vacation. Shes just not the woman I married, he says.

Laura shakes her head. Maybe the problem is that Im exactly the woman you married. Maybe the problem is that you just dont love me anymore.

Thats completely not true, Keith says. I do love you. I just dont understand why were always fighting if we love each other so much.

I feel completely taken advantage of, Marissa tells me. Don and I agreed when we got married that wed split all the household stuff fifty/fifty. I work ten-hour days, I drag myself home, and then I find that Don has done virtually nothing.

Thats not fair, protests Don, I keep telling her, Just tell me what to do and Ill do it. She doesnt give a damn that Im just as tired as she is when I get home from work, too.

Im here, but Im here under protest, Carlos informs me, his arms folded tightly across his chest. Whats the point of shelling out money for all this quote-unquote therapy when nothing is going to change how Kate acts anyway?

Can you believe him? Kate turns to me in exasperation. Like hes one to talk. Theres plenty he should change. Why should I be the only one? But maybe hes right; maybe theres no point.

Married only two years, Ann and Larry have begun to feel that their relationship is more like a prison than the wonderful life they imagined for themselves and promised each other. I dont think he loves me, says Ann tearfully. Hes always angry and critical of me. Everything I do seems wrong.

Nonsense, replies Larry, I do love you, but youre always so depressed and unhappy, and youre never interested in sex anymore.

All he cares about is sex, says Ann. Larry throws up his hands.

She treats me like Im a sex maniac who only sniffs around her when I want some, he tells me. Why is it always me who seems to want sex? She just pushes me away and tells me she feels fat and shes too tired anyway. Its humiliating to be sexually rejected by someone you love. I want to be with someone who wants me.

Ann just rolls her eyes. How am I supposed to want you when you seem more interested in the women in the Victorias Secret catalog, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and goddamn Playboy ? I cant compete with that. Even the womens magazines never show any model whos bigger than a size two. Besides, sometimes Id just like to be held without having to have sex all the time.

You wouldnt have said that two years ago, says Larry, Maybe we never should have gotten married.

Sally is furious at Greg for being so irresponsible with money. Shes just learned that he hasnt paid many of their monthly bills for a long time, and she cant understand where all the money Greg earns is going. It all goes to pay our bills, he says, yours and mine. I dont buy anything you dont know about.

It just doesnt add up, says Sally, but whenever we try to discuss it, he just gets angry at me and threatens to get a divorce. I dont think hes committed to the relationship anymore. I dont trust him.

How much of your salary do you contribute to your joint expenses? I ask Sally.

Very little, she replies. How can I give him my money when he says hes going to divorce me? I need that money for my future.

Virtually everyone has significant problems at some time in their marriage. The couples who come to my office certainly arent in denial that theyre having problems; neither are you if youre holding this book. However, every one of the couples Ive described abovein fact, almost everyone Ive counseled about marriagewas at one time in denial about the seriousness of their interpersonal struggles and the immense capacity of forces outside their relationship to cause their marital disruption and unhappiness. Every day people come to my office citing variations on the same themes: My husband is out of controlfix him. My wife is driving me crazycan you make her stop? We fight all the time about the stupidest thingscan you help us communicate better?

We live in a society that worships the psychology of the individual. We have been taught to believe that individual psychopathology is the source of all our problems; if only we could fix our partners emotional problems, we could fix our marriage. We are masters at blaming each other. However, the reality is that the problems of marriage are bigger than individuals, even bigger than the two of you put together. Marriage itself is under attack. That social institution, which for hundreds of generations has fostered enduring adult intimacy and companionship, is beginning to look frail. For many, it has already become obsolete.

If you want a better marriage and a lifelong relationship, you need to understand three crucial points. First, you need to become very aware of the powerful social, historical, and even biological forces that are undermining marriage, driving your relationship toward disengagement, alienation, or divorce. It is only after recognizing how vulnerable todays marriages really are that youll be willing to learn the skills required for a successful relationship and put in the time needed to succeed. Second, you must truly appreciate the natural tendency for couples to channel stress and anxiety into interpersonal strife, creating a recurrent, negatively reinforcing spiral of conflict and alienation that hides reasonable and realistic solutions from view. Third, you need the willingness and ability to stop that negative spiral and to replace it with effective, supportive communication and real changes in your behavior. This book will show you how to do all three.