Dr. Robin L. Smith - Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages

at the

THE TRUTH ABOUT
GREAT MARRIAGES

Dr. Robin L. Smith

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO

MS. OPRAH WINFREY FOR SO FREELY GIFTING ME WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE IN THE LIGHT, WARMTH, SAFETY, AND JOY OF THE TRUTHAND FOR BEING THE BRIDGE THAT BROUGHT ME BACK TO MY TRUEST SELF.

To FEARLESS WON!

THE LIFTER OF MY HEAD, MY REFUGE AND MY STRENGTH, MY JOY, MY GUIDING STAR IN DARKNESS, AND THE LOVER OF MY LIFE AND MY SOUL!

CONTENTS

From This Day Forward

Show Up and Grow Up

To Love, Honor, and Cherish

Forsaking All Others

For Better or Worse

For Richer or Poorer

In Sickness and in Health

Till Death Do Us Part

Eyes Wide Open

How to Write True Vows to Live By

Its Never Too Late to Renew Your Vows

Light Three Candles

As a writer, I find this section humbling, because with each word I am more in touch with what a village it took to birth this book, and the arresting competence and profound love and support that surrounded this labor of liberation and love.

I first want to thank Catherine Whitney, whose brilliance helped me capture each essential nuance for this book, whose spirit was steady, easy, and overflowing with generosity and kindness. I bow to your literary competence, and am filled each time we speak with the flowering of a professional relationship that I hope will last a lifetime, and a new trusting friendship, which I treasure. I look forward to entering the kitchen of creativity with you and cooking up my next book with you by my side. Thank you for everything! I also am deeply grateful for the special contribution to the writing and spirit of this book made by your collaborative partner, Paul Krafin. He provided a valuable perspective and sensitivity.

While the book is dedicated to Ms. Oprah Winfrey, this is where I get to say more. Oprah, thank you for being at ground zero, not only for the birth of Lies at the Altar, but for my new birth. You entered the sacred rubble of both this book and my life, and reminded me to make the decision to live my best life. I hope you know that without you, this book would not be the gentle alarm clock, the new liberation song for couples, and the invitation to new life for people everywhere. I am so grateful that the divine order is always on time. Thank you for fully supporting me, for respecting my gifts, and for introducing me to the world!

As I thank Oprah, I want to express my gratitude as well to the whole Harpo family, which has welcomed me with such warmth and excitement. In particular, I am thankful to several individuals who gave invaluable help to this book: To executive producer Ellen Rakieten and your staff, for nurturing this project and keeping your hand in the mix when your own schedules were so demanding elsewhere. You were always available and generous with your input, and made sure the end product was flawless. To Harriet Seitler, who made the first move with the call that I will always remember as the beginning of a ride better and bigger than anything my heart had dreamed possible.

I am thankful to the phenomenal team that made the cover of this book a true reflection of who I am and the invitation I am making to others: Lisa Halliday, who coordinated the photo shoot and made sure that all was well; Andre Walker for creating the hair for the cover of this book, and for your seasoned expertise, your hands of magic, and your gentle, quiet, and wonderfully reassuring spirit; Reggie Wells, for taking my face and creating a portrait of welcoming ease, approachability, and beauty. Your eyes saw an image of me that I couldnt see myself, your fierce clarity let me know from the gate I was in the hands of a master, and your humor kept my heart laughing; and Kelly Hurliman, the clothing stylist, who was so calm and reassuring. Kelly invited me to feel comfortable, safe, and exhilarated in my body.

To John Madere, photographer extraordinaire. With each shot your skilled eye found the best in me and called forth my aliveness. You invited a freedom of expression, and told me without speaking many words to let my liberation and joy be made known to all. You captured a free, relaxed, joyful, and secure me. I hope to work with you again!

To Gayle King, editor-at-large at O magazine, for cheering me on. Thank you for being happy for me. It means a lot. And to the supportive people at the magazine, especially editor-in-chief Amy Gross, and writer Aimee Lee Ball.

To my Hyperion family, I am grateful for each person who offered their oh-so-seasoned skills and expertise to create Lies at the Altar. First, to Robert Miller. Bob, thank you for wrestling with me in the light. I treasure the way you always shared your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, while respecting and welcoming mine. From our first meeting in the halls of Harpo Studios, you understood my concept and pursued with excitement and vigor the publishing of Lies at the Altar. You believe that the message of living in truth is an essential foundation for creating great marriages and great human beings, and your commitment to that goal has been an inspiration to me.

To my editor, Leslie Wells, whose reputation as the best is well-deserved. Although you came on board after we had started this journey, you immediately claimed our vision as your own. Your savvy, soothing, encouraging, and expert stewardship has been a blessing. Thanks, too, to Ellen Archer, William Schwalbe, Phil Rose, and Miriam Wenger. Special thanks to Mary Ellen ONeill, the editor who gave this project the spark of life before moving on to do other great things in the world of publishing.

To Jane Dystel, my literary agent. I have said this to you privately, but a public proclamation is in order. We were meant to be. I honor your counsel, your seasoned experience and expertise, and appreciate your value, trust, and respect for my creative artistry and my intuitive knowing.

To Miriam Goderich, for your attention to detail and willingness to explore my wish and desire list. And to all the other people at Dystel and Goderich Literary Management, whose support of this project from start to finish has been a source of comfort and strength.

To Mary Beth H. Gray, Esq., my chief legal counsel. Mary Beth, I love your brilliant legal mind, your scrupulous attention to detail, and your gentle, strong spirit. You are not only my attorney but my trusted friend. Thanks for walking with me through many seasons of my life.

To David S. Rasner, Esq., for making sure that all was well, and for firmly supporting me.

I am humbled that Dr. Harville Hendrix, one of the great giants in the field of healing marriages and helping people understand how childhood hurts impact their lives, cheating them of their birthright to joy and wholeness, was willing to endorse Lies at the Altar. Dr. Hendrix, your kindness, support, and belief in my work, as well as your willingness to lend your name to this project was the desired cherry on top. It added an unexpected sweetness to this sacred subject. You are a true pioneer, and paved the way for this book to build on the concepts of your Imago Relationship Therapy and further share its healing and transforming potential with the world. Thank you for lighting the way for me!

A special thank you to Sunny Shulkin, LCSW, for being a wisdom guru and a powerhouse of honed knowledge and insight. You have always generously shared your brilliance and your profound understanding of the human condition and intimate partnerships with me. Also, thank you for introducing me to Imago Therapy many years ago, and for ultimately being my connection to Dr. Hendrix.