Michael Dale Kimmel - The Gay Mans Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage

Michael Dale Kimmel, CBT, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice with a long history of creating and facilitating innovative workshops for the gay community. His websitewww.lifebeyondtherapy.comhas received over 22,000,000 hits and 1,500,000 visitors since its debut. He has offered workshops for gay communities all over California on a variety of topics.

Currently, he writes the Life Beyond Therapy column for Gay San Diego, the Erie Gay News, the Gayzette and The Letter. He has been a consultant on gay-related issues for Southern California news programs during the past decade and, in recent years, has written for publications including Buzz, Lavender Lens, LGBT Weekly, The Bottom Line, The Gay and Lesbian Times, Counselingmen.com, Expression magazine, Gay News Network, Gayfriendlytherapists.com, Pink News, Positivearticles.com, Pulp, Rage, Sarah Lawrence College Magazine, and SDGLN.com (San Diego Gay and Lesbian News).

This book wasnt my idea. Really.

I started offering workshops for gay, bisexual, and transgender men about eighteen years ago. I really enjoy facilitating workshops, which is great because for the longest time I never charged for them. After a couple of years of doing these workshops, I noticed a familiar pattern: after the workshop ended, there were always a few guys who came up to me and said (in whispered tones), Youve got to put this stuff in a book.

My response was always to be kind and acknowledge them with some version of Yeah, yeah, yeah. Youre very kind. Thank you so much. And then immediately forget the idea. They might think it was a great idea, but I didnt. I had no desire to write a book. The idea sounded like no fun and way too much work.

About fifteen years ago I started writing my advice column, Life Beyond Therapy in local LGBT newspapers. I asked readers to send in questions. Boy, did they ever! I wonder if Dear Abby ever got some of the questions I got (dont worry, I put the best ones in this book).

I dont know if youve ever written a book. If you have, good for you; you can skip this page. For the rest of you, do you know what a strange ride it is to write a book? Allow me to explain.

About five years ago, a writer friend of mine recommended me to a gay publisher (no names, please) as a potential author. The gay publisher asked me to submit an idea for a book. I did. They liked it. I was in shock. Omigod, could this really happen?

Well, not really. What happened next is straight out of David Sedaris: the gay publisher assigned me to an editor, who was very encouraging and wanted me to send him new stuff almost every day. So I worked like a fiend, writing, rewriting, rerewriting (is that a word?) for weeks until, finally, it seemed like we were getting close to something.

As if.

One day I got a strange e-mail from the editor, telling me he had resigned from the publisher and suggesting I contact a writers agent he knew. I was in shock. It was like being engaged to a fabulous guy, going through all the bridal (groom-al?) showers to get all the toasters and rainbow-colored appliances my future husband and I would ever need, and then being dumped by said future husband just before getting fitted for my tux.

It gets worse. Do you know why Mr. Editor dumped me? So he could quit the publishing business and go into a Zen Ashram. My book was sacrificed for his peace of mind? How unfair.

So I pouted. For about two years (Im good at pouting). Then I woke up and realized, I can still write this book.

And I did. And youre reading it.

This book wouldnt have happened without all the guys who came to my workshops and e-mailed me after reading my Life Beyond Therapy columns. It was you guys who kept nudging me toward authordom. Thank you. Really.

And thanks to my soul brother Stephen Caudana, who has always believed in this book and has loved me consistently. Much gratitude to my agent Claire Gerus for her belief in my writing talents and to my editor Suzanne Staszak-Silva at Rowman & Littlefield for her unending patience with my hundreds of questions.

Kudos also to Rowman & Littlefield production coordinator Elaine Mc-Garraugh for all her wisdom, the R&L design department for a beautiful cover design and the terrific copyediting talents of Jo-Ann Parks. This book is so much better because of you all.

And a big shout-out of appreciation to some special folks whove encouraged me along the way: Joe Lonegran, Edwina Foster, Daniel Ostroff, Paula Buckley, Curtis Taylor, DAndra La Pierre, Ted Kerkelis, Charlotte Knabel (who taught me all about editing), Jim Curtan, Claudia Bolognesi, David Kobosa, Marie Schilling, Jim Watters, Gail Braverman, Aman and Sunny Keays, my father (for inspiring me to be true to myself), my mother (for encouraging me to be humble), Patty Eichelberger, Craig Arnoff, Eleanor Johnson, Joerg Claus, Anne Lamott (who gave me permission to write shitty first drafts), and my Uncle Bob, who loved mea confused, frightened young gay boyjust as I was, when I felt so unworthy of anything remotely approaching love.

I am also very grateful to the many gay periodicals that have run my work over the years, especially Gay San Diego; The Erie Gay News (New York, Pennsylvania, and Ohio); The Gayzette (Omaha and Lincoln, Nebraska); The Letter (Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois); Out & About (Nashville, Knoxville, Memphis, and Chattanooga, Tennessee); The Gay & Lesbian Times (Southern California); The Bottom Line (Palm Springs); Buzz (Southern California); and the Out in America cities network (174 city-sites across North America and Great Britain).

As married gay men, we have few role models. This is a double-edged sword: we now get to design our marriages on our own terms; on the other hand, it can be very disorienting when there are so many choices before us.

And who says we cant take what we like from heterosexual marriage and from same-sex nonmarried relationships and incorporate it into our own special blend of marriage? Indeed, for us, the problem isnt a lack of options, its how to choose among so many options. This is what I call Designing your marriage. While this phrase may sound funny to you, I like to compare designing your marriage to designing a house you would like to build. Wouldnt you and your husband decide what are the elements/features that you want in your house? What is most important to you both? For some guys, the kitchen may be really important, for others, it may be low on the priority list.

I encourage you to look at your marriage in the same way: What elements of your marriage are most important to you? Which ones dont matter so much?

Questions to Consider

What is important to you in your marriage? (Make a list and have your husband do the same.)

What are your priorities? Number the items from 1 (most important) and work your way down the list.

Compare the two lists: Where do they overlap? Where do they differ?

Your responses will begin a conversation that will help to determine how you two will design your marriage. Ironically, very few couplesgay or straightare ever encouraged to do this. Its a very helpful processI use it in my work with couplesbut its not always a smooth process. If the lists jibe quite nicely, then its great. But what do you do when they dont?

You talk about it.

Lets look at our first case study couple, Tomas and Larry.

When they first were married, they came to me for premarital counseling. Theyd made their lists, and the lists did not overlap as much as theyd expected. They were surprised by this; they had assumed (after dating for over a year) that they knew what each other wanted.