Katrin Bentley - Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work

Alone Together

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Alone Together

Making an Asperger Marriage Work

Katrin Bentley

Foreword by Tony Attwood

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

First published in 2007

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

73 Collier Street

London N1 9BE, UK

and

400 Market Street, Suite 400

Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright Katrin Bentley 2007

Foreword copyright Tony Attwood 2007

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owners written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be address to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorized act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Bentley, Katrin, 1960

Alone together : making an Asperger marriage work / Katrin Bentley; foreword by Tony Attwood.

p. cm.

ISBN-13 978-1-84310-537-4 (pbk.)

1. Bentley, Gavin. 2. Bentley, Katrin, 1960- 3. Aspergers syndrome--Patients--Biography. 4. Aspergers syndrome--Patients--Family relationships. 5. People with mental disabilities--Marriage. I. Title.

RC553.A88B46 2007

362.196'8588320092--dc22

[B]

2006101868

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84310 537 4

eISBN 978 1 84642 623 0

Contents

Foreword

When Katrin Bentley met and fell in love with Gavin she had no idea that his unusual and initially endearing and eccentric personality was a sign of Aspergers Syndrome. Soon after they were married, however, she recognized that there were going to be major problems in the relationship. Katrins initial optimism that Gavin would become more motivated and able to socialize, and develop greater empathy and ability to satisfy Katrins need for affection and intimacy, gradually dissolved into despair that these abilities were not going to be achieved easily, if at all. After many years of their trying to understand each other and adjust to very different relationship needs, there was a revelation - Gavin had the classic signs of Aspergers Syndrome.

At last there was an explanation for Gavins personality, abilities and behaviour and Katrins loneliness and frustration. With this knowledge came a dramatic change in the quality of the relationship. Katrin discovered strategies, based on her increasing understanding of the characteristics of Aspergers Syndrome, to make an Asperger marriage work. As she states towards the end of her book, After all those years we finally have the relationship I always longed for.

By nature, Katrin is an optimistic person who is resourceful, determined and loyal. She is also a teacher, and her book will teach you how to have a successful relationship with someone who has Aspergers Syndrome. I know that many relationships will be rescued by reading her explanations and applying her advice. This book could change your relationship and your life.

Tony Attwood
March 2007

Preface

I have written this book for all those people who are in a marriage that isnt working. My intention is to provide readers with helpful strategies and hints on how to improve their relationship.

Marriage is no simple task at the best of times, but in the presence of Aspergers Syndrome it can become an enormous struggle. My husband and I are living proof of that. Our relationship was very difficult, but today we are a happy couple.

Once we discovered that Aspergers Syndrome was the cause of our endless misunderstandings we were able to come to terms with our different way of thinking.

I have read various books to help me understand the behaviours that are part of the condition. Thanks to the knowledge weve gained, weve been able to get our marriage back on track. Of course we cant hand out a secret formula that will guarantee success. After all, people with Aspergers Syndrome are all unique in their behaviour and cant necessarily be compared to each other. Any comments made in this book are simply a reflection of our own experiences.

It isnt easy for us to share our journey with the public, but we are grateful to have found happiness and would like to give others the same opportunity.

We hope this book will clarify some of the most common misunderstandings that occur in Asperger marriages and encourage couples in their search for harmony.

A note to reader: At times I use the personal pronoun he when talking about partners with AS. Where I have done this, it should be taken to refer to both genders.

Acknowledgements

First Id like to thank my husband Gavin who helped me write this book by letting me know how he feels and thinks. Without his valuable input I wouldnt have been able to understand how he processes thoughts.

Alone Together required us to work as a team, which for obvious reasons wasnt all that easy It needed a lot of persistence but in the end we were able to link my love for writing with Gavins great sense of accurate presentation. His attention to detail and his need to correct error were at times frustrating, but they kept me on my toes. More than once I read him a chapter which he then dismissed with a few sharp comments. He didnt tell me how to rewrite it, he simply complained until he thought it was good enough.

The next person to thank is Professor Tony Attwood, who with his books, videos and seminars helped me understand Gavins way of thinking. Professor Attwoods description of Aspergers Syndrome is so accurate that I was able to use his great knowledge and put it into practice. Thanks to him Gavin and I have learned to communicate and are now much closer.

Authors who have written about their personal experiences with autism, such as Temple Grandin, Donna Williams and Liane Holliday Willey, also played a big part in helping us understand each other. For quite some time after the diagnosis Gavin wasnt able to explain his thoughts and feelings. Reading these books gave me ideas on what might be going on inside of him. They inspired me to prompt him with specific questions which he was able to answer. Thanks to those books Gavin has learned to express his emotions more accurately and this has made it possible for us to connect at a deeper level.