Ashley Stanford - Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and Long-Term Relationships: Fully Revised and Updated with DSM-5® Criteria

Chock full of illustrative examples and suggestions backed by solid research, this book fills a yawning gap in the literature of understanding what goes into success in long-term relationships for individuals with Asperger Syndrome. Even more so with the second edition, this important resource is a must read for anyone involved with or supporting a person on the autism spectrum to achieve a deep, meaningful, and loving relationship.

Stephen M. Shore, EdD, internationally-known educator, author,
consultant, and presenter on issues related to the autism spectrum

I read Ms. Stanfords book some years ago as a graduate student training to be a Couples Counselor. Now updated, she has created an insightful guide on the broad range of the Autism Spectrum as described in DSM-5. Based on numerous stories about Aspergers and long-term relationships, this book continues to serve as a valuable resource for clinicians, adults with AS and their partners alike.

Eva Mendes, Couples Counselor and Asperger/Autism Specialist

by the same author

Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autism Spectrum

A Users Guide to Resolving Relationship Problems

Ashley Stanford

ISBN 978 1 84905 951 0

eISBN 978 0 85700 808 4

Business for Aspies

42 Best Practices for Using Asperger Syndrome Traits at Work Successfully

Ashley Stanford

ISBN 978 1 84905 845 2

eISBN 978 0 85700 501 4

of related interest

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

A Guide to Living in an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who is on the Autism Spectrum

Maxine Aston

ISBN 978 1 84905 498 0

eISBN 978 0 85700 920 3

Alone Together

Making an Asperger Marriage Work

Katrin Bentley

ISBN 978 1 84310 537 4

eISBN 978 1 84642 623 0

Pretending to be Normal

Living with Aspergers Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

Liane Holliday Willey

ISBN 978 1 84905 755 4

eISBN 978 0 85700 987 6

Been There. Done That. Try This!

An Aspies Guide to Life on Earth

Edited by Tony Attwood, Craig R. Evans and Anita Lesko

ISBN 978 1 84905 964 0

eISBN 978 0 85700 871 8

Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

How Seeking a Diagnosis in Adulthood Can Change Your Life

Philip Wylie

ISBN 978 1 84905 433 1

eISBN 978 0 85700 778 0

Asperger Syndrome

(Autism Spectrum Disorder)

and Long-Term Relationships

2 ND E DITION

Ashley Stanford

Foreword by Liane Holliday Willey

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

DSM-5 Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnostic Criteria reprinted with permission from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (Copyright 2013). American Psychiatric Association. All Rights Reserved.

This edition published in 2015

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

73 Collier Street

London N1 9BE, UK

and

400 Market Street, Suite 400

Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

First edition published in 2003

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Copyright Ashley Stanford 2003, 2015

Foreword copyright Liane Holliday Willey 2003, 2015

Front cover image source: iStockphoto. The cover image is for illustrative purposes only, and any person featuring is a model.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owners written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84905 773 8

eISBN 978 1 78450 036 8

To my family

You are my breath of fresh air
When life becomes stale.
You are the twinkle in my eye
When I smile.
You are my straight path
When my world stretches out in all directions.
You are my past, my present, and my eternity.
I relish every day with you.

I write of him

who fights
and vanquishes his sins,
who struggles on
through weary years
against himself
and wins.

Caroline Bigelow LeRow,
Pieces for Every Occasion

Contents

The Full Realization

What it may look like: Social reciprocity

Parroting/Echolalia

The ASD-Linked Long-Term Relationship

Foreword

I am the only child of a neurotypical (NT) woman and a man who had Asperger Syndrome (AS). As a child, I found that life with a mismatched set of parents could be quite challenging. My mother craved a social life and my father craved thinking in silence. For 40 years my mother was convinced my father was intentionally setting up communication barriers and bad-mannered responses to her family and friends as part of a passive aggressive scheme to express his sour feelings toward their marriage. After I was diagnosed in 1998, my mother very slowly began to believe my father was never her antagonist out of ill will. Rather, she came to realize he was a man who saw and reacted to the world in ways an NT is not innately able to understand. This was an awakening that settled my mothers resentment and (as my father would put it) her disapproval of his ways. By the time my father passed away, my folks were no longer adversaries. They were faithful friends who had finally learned to accept one another, even when they were unable to gauge life in the same way.

Im glad my parents were able to find a mutual friendship, but Im sad they were never able to see one another for who they really were. If only my mother had had Ashleys book when she was a young married woman. I can only imagine how much happier and content she would have been. I can only wonder how life might have been for my dad who, despite his best efforts to be a kind and fair man (he often succeeded), was never quite able to understand how he confounded his wife so deeply.

Many things can divide a relationship between an NT and a person with AS. Among some of the challenges are distinct differences in the two individuals personal space and intimacy needs (or lack thereof), social awareness and social desire, empathy margins, commitment to a favored interest, sensory information tolerance or needs, and real confusion over nonverbal communication. My parents, like my husband and I, suffered setbacks in each of these areas.

Im known as a very straightforward and verbal Aspie. In fact, there was a time when I thought about dissecting my relationships ups and downs. But the undertaking soon proved to be too tricky and baffling for me. I could articulate how I felt about the relationship, but I couldnt begin to guess how my husband felt. I knew my needs, but couldnt predict his. Thankfully, Ashley Stanford rose to the task and wrote a book that will undoubtedly save and protect NT/AS relationships. Ashley is more than prepared to answer logically, empathetically, and whole-heartedly not only all the questions I thought I had on the subject, but even far more than I had ever imagined were possible.