Mendes Eva A. - Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Aspergers Syndrome

Wow! Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Aspergers Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) is a thorough, finely written, insightful, real-world analysis of neurodiverse interpersonal relationships. Author Eva Mendes knows, really knows, what ASD is all about, how it can bewilder, irritate or even collapse a relationship. Partners trying to communicate through the curves of Asperger syndrome and autism will be able to use Mendes guidance to great advantage. Couples lives will be touched and changed for the better, thanks to this book!

Liane Holliday Willey, author of Safety Skills for Asperger Women and Pretending to be Normal

Eva Mendes has precisely addressed emotional-disconnect in Asperger/HFA relationships, something that I learned through life...the hard way. I wish I had read this book ten years ago, it would have prevented a lot of pain, discomfort and confusion as I navigated my way through life. The language is comfortable and conversational, the anecdotes and real-life stories seem like they were written about me. This book should be read by everyone who is on the spectrum but more so by those who love someone with ASD. As our numbers grow and more of us find out about our social awkwardness being a consequence of the spectrum, sharing war stories like the ones in this book will help millions of people around the world. Thank you, Eva, for writing about us, talented professionals on the Autism spectrum who are tired of wearing the mask of conformity.

Qazi Fazli Azeem, South Asian self-advocate for the Autism spectrum

In Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Aspergers Syndrome Eva Mendes presents proven strategies to help neurodiverse couples in tricky relationships. What makes this book so helpfulwhat makes it stand apartis her ability to elucidate the realities of both partners in a neurodiverse relationship, with helpful insights and genuine compassion for everyone involved.

David Finch, New York Times best-selling author of The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage , Asperger Syndrome , and One Mans Quest to Be a Better Husband

Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Aspergers Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

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MARRIAGE AND LASTING RELATIONSHIPS

with Aspergers Syndrome

(Autism Spectrum Disorder)

S UCCESSFUL S TRATEGIES FOR C OUPLES OR C OUNSELORS

Eva A. Mendes

Foreword by Stephen M. Shore

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

First published in 2015

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

73 Collier Street

London N1 9BE, UK

and

400 Market Street, Suite 400

Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright Eva A. Mendes 2015

Foreword copyright Stephen M. Shore 2015

Front cover photograph: Sena Runa

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owners written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Mendes, Eva A.

Marriage and lasting relationships with Aspergers syndrome (autism spectrum disorder) : successful strategies for couples or counselors / Eva A. Mendes ; foreword by Stephen M. Shore.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-84905-999-2 (alk. paper)

1. Aspergers syndrome--Patients--Family relationships. 2. Aspergers syndrome--Patients--Sexual behavior. 3. People with mental disabilities--Marriage. 4. Interpersonal relations. 5. Interpersonal conflict. 6. Man-woman relationships. 7. Couples therapy. I. Title.

RC553.A88M45 2015

616.858832--dc23

2015016761

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84905 999 2

eISBN 978 0 85700 981 4

Dedicated to my mentor, Daisaku Ikeda and his wife Kaneko Ikeda.

And, my parents, Elfrida and Sosthenes Mendes with deepest appreciation and gratitude.

C ONTENTS

Organizing, Planning, and Outsourcing

FOREWORD

As an adult with autism, married to a woman who is not on the spectrum, I am honored to write the foreword to this groundbreaking book that fills a yawning gap in the literature of supporting long-term relationships where one of the couple has autism.

Beginning by referring to ASD as Autism Spectrum Difference, this invaluable guide and resource provides a therapeutic road map for couples where one or both partners have Asperger Syndrome and autism, and starts off on a positive note by considering neurodiversity as a different, rather than a disordered way of being. Considering autism and related conditions as a difference rather than pathologizing the condition forms a sturdy foundation for the numerous and brilliant strategies in this book. Devoted to generating greater mutual understanding for couples, this book includes a number of inspiring case studies representing great diversity in culture, race, ethnicities, and socio-economic backgrounds! Based on this knowledge of neurological differences, these stories demonstrate how partners can gain clarity and develop successful strategies that work.

The strategies presented in this book for improving self-awareness are a vital prerequisite for deepening understanding of others. For example, my wife, Yi Liu and I have various differences in terms of neurodiversity, culture, race, and religion. Fortunately, our awareness of these differences make us realize that communication and checking-in with each other is required more frequently than perhaps for a neurotypical couple. Yi Liu and I have fewer misunderstandings when we dont rely on the mystical mind-reading that couples allegedly have. Focusing first on developing greater intrapersonal awareness can serve as a gateway to a better understanding of your spouse, as two individuals often have very different ways of perceiving, processing, and communicating thoughts, ideas, and even love.