Gregory K. Popcak - When Divorce Is Not an Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love

Gregory K. Popcak

When Divorce
Is Not an Option

How to Heal Your Marriage
and Nurture Lasting Love

SOPHIA INSTITUTE PRESS

Manchester, New Hampshire

Copyright 2014 Gregory K. Popcak
Brain illustration in chapter 2 Copyright 2014 John Folley

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved

Cover design: Perceptions Studio in collaboration with Coronation Media

On the cover: Rear view of a couple sitting on couch (17325786) 4x6 / istockphoto.com

Scripture passages have been taken from the Catholic Edition of the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1965, 1966 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

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Sophia Institute Press is a registered trademark of Sophia Institute.

To all those who faithfully strive
to live the cross in their marriage.
May they live to see the resurrection as well.

Contents

Exercises

Chapter 1

The Secret of Saving Your Marriage

Im just completely worn out. I feel like Ive tried everything, but no matter what I do, he just pushes me away. I dont want a divorce, but I cant make him love me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go. (Emily, married twelve years to Jake)

I cant do anything right. Shes constantly on me about everything I do. We fight about everything. I know that marriage is hard work, but theres no way its supposed to be this hard. Im distracted at work. I cant sleep. My marriage is killing me. I just dont know what to do. (Michael, married seventeen years to Elise)

Ive tried everything. Nothing makes any difference. Weve been to counseling. Weve talked to our pastor. Ive tried ignoring things, fighting with him, letting it go. Im at a complete loss. My friends keep telling me that some things arent meant to be. Maybe were just bad for each other. I hate the idea of divorcing him. Upending the kids lives... starting over... Ugh! But I cant keep living like this. ( Amy, married eight years to Stephen)

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, I have good news for you. There is hope. Your marriage can be saved even if your spouse isnt interested in working on it. In fact, more than just saving your marriage, this book will show you what you can do to transform your marriage. Over the next several chapters, it is my goal to show you simple steps you can take to heal the hurts and create marriage-friendly habits that will enable you to resolve your conflicts efficiently, increase your caring for one another, create the love you have been longing for, and rediscover the passion you have always wanted.

I will draw from both empirically validated methods as well as insights from our Christian tradition. My hope is both to heal your marriage and to inspire you to use every aspect of your journey to draw closer both to your spouse and to the God who brought you together.

What Makes a Marriage Happy?

I dont want to lie to you. Transforming your marriage will take some work. This isnt magic. But, as a friend of mine jokes, It isnt rocket surgery either. Anyone can do this. Even you. Especially you.

Over the last twenty years, marriage researchers have discovered that what separates happy marriages from unhappy ones isnt destiny, personality conflicts, differing values, life experience, how many problems you have, or how much you fight. In fact, regarding the last two points, research consistently shows that happy couples argue about as often as unhappy ones and have about the same rate of success in resolving their issues (Gottman, 2011). So what makes the difference between marriage masters and marriage disasters?

Researchers have discovered that happy couples as opposed to unhappy ones have certain habits they use to manage their conflict, repair damage, build rapport, maintain intimacy, and create shared meaning. These habits can be learned by anyone who is willing, and the more consistently these habits are practiced, the more they can transform even the most conflictual, unhappy marriage into a joyful, loving, relationship.

At the Pastoral Solutions Institute, the group tele-counseling practice I direct, we have a marriage-counseling success rate of over 90 percent. This rate is not unusual for marital therapists who know what I will be sharing with you. My associates and I teach both couples and individual spouses (about 30 percent of our marital-counseling work involves solo-spouse marital therapy) these habits every day, and they are powerful. You dont even have to learn to do these habits perfectly to have them work for you. You should start to see at least some changes within a few weeks of instituting even a few of these habits. The more you use these habits, however, generally speaking, the more satisfied you will be in your relationship. Almost every couple uses at least some of the practices I will discuss in this book some of the time, but the difference between consistently happy couples and others is that the consistently happy couples make a habit out of these practices, while others use them in fits and starts or not at all. The fact is, how you practice these habits in your marriage is every bit as important as the habits themselves.

What About Your Issues?

This book does not address particular issues such as money, sex, parenting, differences in values, in-law problems, and other common topics couples argue about. This is not an oversight. Although you may feel that these topics have a special power to bring out the worst in you, there is really nothing magical about these issues. Rather, the way you and your spouse talk about these issues and the way you relate to each other provide the context for healthy (or unhealthy) conversations about these issues.

I dont wish to micromanage your fights. Instead, I want to teach you the skills you need in order to learn how to relate and discuss any topic the one you are fighting over now and any ones you may experience conflict over in the future. You will learn that what you talk about is much less important than both how you talk about it and the overall health of the relationship in which that conversation is handled.

Lets look at one of the first skills that every happily married couple has to master: riding the marital wave.

Riding the Wave

Every husband and wife knows that marriage has its ups and downs, but for most couples, why the ups are up and the downs are down remains a mystery. Thats especially true when a couple gets stuck in the trough of a down phase, and, rather than going up and down, the relationship flatlines. What drives this wave? And what causes some couples to get stuck at the bottom of the wave, sometimes for years?