Table of Contents
Dedication
This book is dedicated to the two women whom I am privileged to have in my life, my mother and my special lady, Roberta, and to my son, Gidalya. Thank you for teaching me about relationships and love.Martin Tashman, Ph.D.
Introduction
Your wedding is the most exciting and romantic day of your life. Its a time when everyone you care about is in a room or backyard, a chapel, or on the beach, bearing witness to you and your soon-to-be spouse. Its the day when life is brimming with possibilities and you know, deep in your heart, you are with the one person you want to grow old with, the one person with whom you will have children, the one person you want to hold your hand when things get tough and love you, really love you, forever. And when youre swirling around the dance floor dressed to the nines, drinking champagne, and eating wedding cake, youre so happy, its like a dream come true.
Sometimes that ecstatic love can last well after you have unpacked your bags from your honeymoon. But whether its a few months or a few years, your love will definitely change. Your marriage will evolve. And life will have a way of throwing up obstacles to that love you felt so completely sure about on your wedding day.
There are the times when your marriage is truly tested: when money becomes an issue, if you have a sick child, or if you start to grow in opposite directions. Then there are the times when the crises are more subtle: the changes that come when you have a baby, when that baby grows up, when you grow old and feel less attractive, when your marriage together becomes boring or stale and you wonder how you ever married him or her in the first place.
How did it happen? When did your love erode? When did youor your spousedecide it isnt working? Is your marriage strong enough to last? Thats what this book is all about: making your marriage a lasting one; making your marriage stronger, better, and happier than ever; and keeping alive that love you pledged on your wedding day.
Ive been a marriage counselor for more than 35 years, and in that time, Ive seen couples with no hope of getting back together again become close. Ive seen the tragic, the ugly, and the painful side of marriage and have helped couples address these issues and find new ways of connecting and renewing their love.
Its not easy. A lasting marriage takes work. But the beauty of this work is that the results can be wonderful. You can stay together through thick and thin, better and worse, failings and joy.
Within these pages, you find the insights and strategies Ive used in my practice and which I can now bring to you. Youll find exercises that help you determine where your marriage can use work and where things are simpatico. You learn the foundations that all good marriages need and the ways to rekindle love, sex, romance, and fun.
I hope this book brings you and your spouse closer. I hope it helps you rekindle and renew your love. And most of all, I hope it gives you the insights, information, and knowledge you need to make your marriage one of those that last: a marriage that stays strong from those early heady days of young love through the sweet, sweet joys of growing old together.
How to Use This Book
Ive divided this book into five distinct parts, each one building on the other, and each one containing quizzes, important information, and case studies of couples just like you:
Part 1, An Enduring Marriage: The Dream and the Challenge, offers an overview of marriagefrom its ideals to its realities. It offers insights into the elements that make a marriage happy, the challenges you can expect over time, and some of the myths that can sabotage your idea of a happy marriage.
Part 2, The Four Stages of Lasting Marriage, is all about the stages every marriage goes throughfrom the honeymoon years to the golden days. Ive included descriptions of the four main stages as well as the roadblocks that may crop up along the way, and advice for handling them.
Part 3, Building a Strong Foundation, is the core of this book, where you find the foundations that will make your marriage a strong and lasting one. Here you find the elements that all lasting marriages have, from empathy and trust, to playfulness and sex, from respect and validation, to communication and the art of fighting well.
In Part 4, The Marriage Land Mines, you find the potential land mines that marriages may face, from the problems that may arise when you have children to those you may face with an empty nest. You find ways to cope with intimacy difficulties, in-law issues, money pitfalls, and even such changes as infidelity and illness.
Finally, in Part 5, Repairing, Reconnecting, and Renewing, you find the ways to repair a broken marriage or renew a marriage that may have gotten stale. I offer strategies for healing old wounds, re-creating trust, and rekindling romance. I even include a special section on renewing your vows to celebrate your lasting love.
Throughout the book, you will find exercises for both you and your spouse. Ill ask you to write down your answers so you can refer to them later, or to simply see them with more clarity in black and white. Just jot down your answersand any other thoughts that come to mindin a notebook or journal.
Extra Advice
Throughout this book, Ive sprinkled extra information about a particular subject or some wise words to enhance the nearby text. Heres what to look for:
Definition
These sidebars offer definitions of words or phrases that may be unfamiliar to you.
Love Letters
Look here for short and sweet tips on making your marriage work even better.
Marriage Trap
Heed these warnings to take notice of behaviors or actions that may be harming your marriage.
Youll also see a fourth, name-changing sidebar that presents anecdotes, interesting facts, case histories, or other extended background information you should know.
Acknowledgments
I would like to acknowledge my teachers, Drs. John Gottman, Brent Atkinson, and Bill Miller, for their research and insights, and for allowing me to stand on the shoulders of their genius.
I would also like to acknowledge my co-author, Karla Dougherty, who has made this process both easy and enjoyable.
Trademarks
All terms mentioned in this book that are known to be or are suspected of being trademarks or service marks have been appropriately capitalized. Alpha Books and Penguin Group (USA) Inc. cannot attest to the accuracy of this information. Use of a term in this book should not be regarded as affecting the validity of any trademark or service mark.
Part 1
An Enduring Marriage: The Dream and the Challenge
Its hard to believe, but youve been married 10, 20, maybe 45 years! In some ways, it feels like youve been together forever. Sometimes, its as if no time has gone by at all.
Youve been through so much together: the honeymoon years, the birth of your children, the everyday ups and downs of life, and even the heart-breaking crises.
As youll find in the following chapters, marriage is not just about love. Its about living together, meeting challenges together, and sharing a lifewith all the glory, messes, joys, and changes that brings.
