Macaluso - The Real-Deal Bridal Bible: The Ultimate Wedding Planner to Help You Blush Like a Bride and Plan Like a Bitch

The Bitchs

Bridal Bible

The Must-Have, Real-Deal Guide for Brides.

Alessandra Macaluso

Copyright 2014 Alessandra Macaluso
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1480245348
ISBN-13: 9781480245341

Dedication and Thank You

This book is dedicated to every bride-to-be, particularly those who want a stress-free wedding, and to every person who may one day get married. Its also dedicated to those who have already been down the aisle, because they especially will nod in agreement and laugh their asses off reliving the shenanigans.

If youve been given this book as a gift, please know that you are not a bitch in the derogatory sense of the word. The person who gifted this to you thinks you are a smart bitch, a savvy bitch, a bad-ass bridal bitch with a sense of humor. In other words, its a bitchin compliment to you that youve received this book.

Thank you to my family, friends, and others who have supported me through this writing process and shared their stories for this book. To my parents, for setting a wonderful example for me to follow in my own married life. And to my husband, the poor but patient soul who didnt realize what he signed up for when he married a writer, but who sticks around, anyway. I love you, and thank you.

Table of Contents

The Bitchs Bridal Bible

The Must-Have Guide for Wedding Planning, and Life Beyond

Something mystical can happen when you take a perfectly sane woman and place a diamond ring on her finger. Doctors have attempted to describe the phenomenon for years. There seems to be a chemical reaction between the compounds that make up the ring and the molecules in the skin and, upon contact, they have been known to create the virus: cRzybTch1.

Weve all encountered cRzybTch1 at some point in our lives. Even if we havent contracted it ourselves, weve all known someone close to us who was infected with this unfortunate and highly aggressive virus.

Curiously, it has been found that cRzybTch1 can skip entirely over the person wearing the ring and somehow infect those around her, creating a hybrid strain: jElousbTch2. Doctors are not certain as to how jElousbTch2 transpires, because the strain keeps morphing every time they come close to controlling it.

Even more alarming, it has been known to continue to transfer hosts and morph into other viruses, such as pSychoMIL3, CRzySIL4 and the rapidly-spreading THeythinkiTstheirWddnG5, 6 and 7. Some symptoms include: uninvited opinion-giving, passive-aggressive comments followed by scary, wide-eyed smiles, and a majorly bitchy attitude on your big day (a hybrid of jElousbTch2, also known as iTsnotaBoutMesoiLLsitHereandpout).

These viruses are so powerful that entire companies have been known to be infected, the victims of a new strain: leTsmiLkthemdRy9. Symptoms of leTsmiLkthemdRy9 include: pushing upon couples frivolous items disguised as necessities, the ability to stealthily drain bank accounts, and some seriously hardcore marketing.

Yes, these are very threatening and highly intellectual viruses and, sadly, these strains can travel back and somehow affect the once clear-headed, sanity-filled bride-to-be.

But there is hope. You can protect yourself and those you love from cRzybTch1 and the rest of these viruses. Youre holding the only known vaccine: The Bitchs Bridal Bible. Some side effects may include: increase in sanity, decrease in bullshit, ability to refrain from launching in-laws off the nearest bridge, fattening of the wallet, clarity of the mind, increase in sex drive, and bigger boobs. (Alright, maybe not that last one.)

Theres no need to ask your doctor if The Bitchs Bridal Bible is right for you, as time and units are limited. Just be sure to vaccinate yourself and your loved ones right away.

Whos This Book For?

This book is for brides-to-be, who are traditional at heart, but who still want to keep their edge. Its for the bride who is interested in letting her individuality shine through while still making Grandma happy. For those special ladies who possess the ability to see and laugh at the truth of this crazy time, and for those who want to be armed with information and resources to prepare them for whats really about to go down.

The Bitchs Bridal Bible will serve as a guide to keep you grounded and sane while planning your big day. This book will not advise you on the trendiest cakes or hottest bridesmaid dresses, and it doesnt come with your traditional bridal bells and whistles. Its a real-deal, raw guide for brides about the important things you will encounter during your wedding planning, as well as after you say I do. Its about navigating through this crazy time, finding your own way, and getting married on your own terms while keeping your sanity, finances, and relationships intact.

Quite frankly, I dont give a shiny tiara about your place settings or the date you chose. Congratulations and good for you - but thats not why Im here. Im here to shed light upon the ugly in planning your nuptials. Im here to talk about the down and dirty, roll-your-sleeves-up, crazy cocktail hour shenanigans that go on that you need to know about. Im here to prepare you for the freak show that those closest to you will put on during your planning; to teach you how to coolly raise your glass, swig your mimosa, and point your finger and laugh at the hot mess that bridal blasphemy has brought out in everyone around you as you stay calm in your comfy cozy seat in Sanesville. Because people. Will. Go. In. Sane. I dont care if your family is the direct descendants of June fucking Cleaver there will be shenanigans. So, pull up a chair youre seated right next to me.

This book is also for bridesmaids, mothers, in-laws, and groomsmen. It is for shower planners and anyone else involved in someones wedding planning process, so they may better understand the obstacles todays bride will encounter while coordinating her big day. It is for husbands-to-be, to serve as a guide to understanding and dealing with your bride and adjusting to your future together once the wedding has passed. Its also a guide for post-brides who are settling into their new lives and embarking on this exciting journey of marriage.

This book is armed with great resources, things you need to know, and helpful ways to deal with all of the stressors both expected and unexpected that arise during this special and crazy time. It will guide you, prepare you, and keep you in check and on track with whats important during your occasional bouts of bridal brain. Think of it as a dear friend that will offer you sound advice, along with an occasional bitch-slap of reality to help you stay the course.

So, whats the reality?

When people hear the word wedding, especially those close to you, everyone gushes. Suddenly its all about the dress, the cake, the shower, the reception hall. Rarely is it about the marriage the actual reason you are throwing a wedding in the first place.

Sure, you will occasionally get the old marriage is work speech from a parent or friend, but this is often pooh-poohed or dismissed. And besides, rarely at this point in your walkin-on-the-clouds frame of mind are you going to stop and listen or heed any advice. Why would you? You are too busy searching for a dress, choosing a bridal party, tasting cakes, and partaking in a slew of other things that you certainly must do at this point in your life.