Alex Bertie - Trans Mission ; My Quest to a beard

Five years ago, I left a note on my dads desk.

Dad,

Last Christmas, I wrote Mum a letterand I know you read it too, but we never spoke about it and since then thats all Ive wanted. I just want to be honest and I really need your support because well, youre my dad. I guess Im just scared. Scared of talking to you, scared of what youll think of me just scared of everything.

The letter to Mum was basically about my gender and how I was questioning. Its been like this for three years, and every day it gets harder to live with myself while having this massive problem hanging over my head. The black and white of it is that I feel male. Mentally I see myself as male. Ive never felt female and everything about being a girl just makes me cringe and hurt. Hearing people say she, *Birth name,* her, daughter, girls It just makes me so uncomfortable and I genuinely find it hard to respond.

Im in a lot of pain living in this body. I find the idea of swimming daunting, meeting new people is a huge fear, I dont have the confidence to apply for a job, my period is a monthly reminder that my body doesnt match who I am inside, and I cant even bear the thought of going out in public with my own family in case someone mistakes me for a boy. I wish I had been born physically male so that I would never have had to write this stupid letter. I feel humiliated and like a disgrace to our family.

This is definitely not something that happened overnight; its been like this for so long. Like I said, for the past three years Ive been trying to come to terms with it myself. At first I accepted the fact that I was still young and that my feelings could change, but now I know what I want and I cant see my future any other way.

I can understand if this is hard for you, and I realize that this will be difficult for everyonebut trust me, I wouldnt choose feeling this way if I could. I also know that this isnt something that can be sorted out right away. Its all pretty medical-based, a lot of which cant even happen until Im eighteen. I just dont want you to worry and I want you to know that Im well aware of everything that comes with this and the effect it could have on my future.

We dont have to talk about it right away and I dont expect anything to change overnight; I just wanted you to know.

Alex

Its like someone has Frankensteined my head onto a hideous alien body.

Im not good at first impressions, but screw it: here we go. My names Alex Bertie. I like pugs, doughnuts, and retro video games. I have tattoos, I make YouTube videos, and I sleep with my socks on.

Im also transgender. Yeah, thats usually the part that throws people. I was categorized as a girl at birth and identified as female until I was fifteen, when I finally realized I was a transgender man. That makes it sound like I suddenly had some light bulb moment, though. In reality, coming to grips with my identity meant years of confusion and self-hate, both before I came out as trans and after. In order to make myself feel more comfortable in my body, I decided to transition from female to male. This was a physical process (such as seeking hormone replacement and having surgery) and also a social one (I told my friends and family, and changed my name, for example).

The center of all my problems as a trans person is body dysphoria. Its the whole reason I needed to transition. Dysphoria is the feeling that the body I was born with does not match the gender identity in my head. Everyone has different triggers for dysphoria, but the main ones for me were my chest, genitalia, lack of body hair, high voice, face/body shape, and hearing my old name, just to name a few. If youve never experienced dysphoria, you might think, Hey, nobodys 100 percent happy with their bodycant you just deal with it? Why are you being so dramatic? But dysphoria is so much more than disliking a part of my body. Its this unbearable feeling of self-hate in the back of my brain at all times, which I desperately try to suppress and pacify. Sometimes its fine, safely tucked away in a corner of my mind. Then something triggers it and it punches me in the face. Suddenly all I can think about is this thing about myself that isnt right.

At times, I have felt repulsed by my own skin.

And thats the problem: its my own skin. I cant get out of it, Im stuck there.

I realize that may sound depressing and dark, but I assure you my story is also full of some delightful and pretty ridiculous memories. Id like to show you that while Ive faced some difficult challenges, Im now the happiest Ive ever been. While I cant get out of my skin, I have been able to make some big changes. Over the last six years, Ive told my family and friends about my trans identity, changed my name, battled the health care system, started taking male hormones, and had surgery on my chest. It hasnt been an easy ride, but to wake up now feeling more comfortable with my body is a true blessing. Id be lying if I said that my transliness (sometimes you just need a noun for being trans; Ive chosen to use transliness) wasnt a huge deal or that it didnt matter, because that one segment of my identity has played a huge part in shaping who I am as a person. Its also become a more public part of me than I ever imagined. Throughout all these years of self-discovery, Ive been uploading videos about my life to YouTube. My channel has gained a bigger following than I ever imagined, and its become my passion to share my transition story. Nothing will ever beat the feeling I get when Im approached by someone saying my videos have helped them.