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Julia L. Mayer - AARP Love and Meaning after 50: The 10 Challenges to Great Relationshipsand How to Overcome Them

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A must-read for anyone over fifty who is married or wants to be. I wish my parents had read this book when they were in their fifties! Its a practical, hopeful guide to renegotiating and reinvigorating your relationships. It will save a lot of marriages, because it will really help you and your spouse talk to each other.

Stephen Fried, New York Times bestselling author of Husbandry: Sex, Love, and Dirty LaundryInside the Minds of Married Men and Rush: Revolution, Madness, and the Visionary Doctor Who Became a Founding Father

A beautifully written guide for couples who want inspiration, a refresher, or a reboot after the kids are gone.

William J. Doherty, Ph.D., Professor of Family Social Science, University of Minnesota, and author of Take Back Your Marriage

Julia Mayer and Barry Jacobs have given us an eminently practical guide to maintaining connection and re-establishing intimacy for couples over fifty. They provide engaging descriptions and clear, step-by-step guidance to help couples forge deeper meaning and greater closeness. As the percentage of Americans over sixty-five continues to grow, this will become an increasingly important and relevant book for an ever-larger segment of our population.

Dr. Patricia Papernow, author of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesnt and, with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a Blended Family

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While AARP, the publisher, and the authors have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. AARP, the publisher, and the authors shall not be liable for any loss of profit or any commercial damages, including but not limited to special incidental, consequential, or other damages. The fact that an organization is referred to in this work as a citation and/or potential source of further information does not mean that AARP, the publisher, and the authors endorse the information the organization or website may provide or recommendations it may make. Further, readers should be aware that Internet websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read.

Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors, AARP, or Hachette Go. The authors, AARP, and the publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book.

A range of AARP print and e-books is available at AARPs online bookstore, aarp.org/bookstore, and through local and online bookstores.

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Hachette Go was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed in initial capital letters.

Copyright 2020 by Julia L. Mayer and Barry J. Jacobs. All rights reserved. AARP is a registered trademark.

Cover design by Amanda Kain

Cover photograph Hero Images

Cover copyright 2020 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the authors intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the authors rights.

Hachette Go, an imprint of Hachette Books

Hachette Book Group

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New York, NY 10104

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First Edition: August 2020

Hachette Books is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The Hachette Go and Hachette Books name and logos are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBNs: 978-0-7382-8618-1 (paperback); 978-0-7382-8617-4 (e-book)

E3-20200625-JV-NF-ORI

One day, about seven years ago, we found ourselves looking at each other in frustration in our too-quiet house. Wed just had an unproductive argument over something irrelevant that neither of us can even remember now. What was obvious was that, after twenty-three years of marriage, we both felt alone and discontented. That was when, as two psychologists with more than fifty years of professional experience between us, we recognized that we had a problem.

It had begun three years before, when our daughter turned eighteen and left for college and wed had to adjust to having just our son at home. We missed the spontaneous conversations with our daughter, taking care of her in small ways like preparing meals she enjoyed, listening to her concerns, and even giving her cash to hang out with her friends. With our sons departure three years later to a school even farther away, we grew more unsettled. We realized that beneath our pride in our childrens accomplishments, we were grieving those rewarding, painful, joyful, intense, exhausting, exhilarating years of raising our children. We found ourselves feeling older and unsure about what would come next.

Fortunately, our professional experience gave us insight into what to do about it. We began to share our feelings, reassess the state of our marriage, and think about the next phase of our lives. We carved out time in our busy schedules to talk and listen to each other so that we could share what each of us hoped for in this new phase of our lives.

We discovered that checking in with each other just a few minutes each day helped. A dinner out or a walk around the neighborhood usually renewed our feelings of connection, regardless of the stressors of the day. We started traveling together, just the two of us, for the first time in years. We went to dinner with other couples more frequently. We leaned on each other more emotionally and planned together for our new life ahead. We slowly adapted to our quieter, more predictable life.

In time, we decided to bring new energy to our relationship by developing new mutual interests. When the opportunity to write our first book together arose, we saw it as a way for us to transition to becoming couple-focused again. That was AARP Meditations for
Caregivers: Practical, Emotional, and Spiritual Support for You and Your Family
, published in 2016, where we shared our own and others experiences as caregiverswe cared for both of our parents over the yearsgiving us the chance to process our feelings about our journey and loss while strengthening our relationship.

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