Doka - Grief is a journey: finding your path through loss

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Praise for

GRIEF IS A JOURNEY

Securely grounded in contemporary bereavement studies and seasoned with decades of clinical experience, Grief Is a Journey clearly delivers. In chapters on lifes many losses and the challenges they entail for those who suffer them, Dr. Doka offers both practical principles and compassionate counsel for the griever in straightforward, readable prose. Whether the reader is seeking to understand the everyday complexity of mourning in all of its emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual aspects or trying to discern the red flags that call for professional consultation, this compact volume does much to close the gap between science and practice, and to offer the wisdom of the field to bereaved readers who greatly need it. I, for one, will buy several copies to distribute to my clients.

ROBERT A. NEIMEYER, PH.D.

This guide through the long valley of grief is written by one of the foremost therapists and researchers in the field of bereavement studies. Yet it is a straightforward instruction manual covering most of the problems that cause bereaved people to seek help from outside their network of friends and family. Dr. Doka writes with great clarity and good sense, giving advice that is appropriate, respectful of his readers unique experience, and encouraging to all those who are on a journey through grief.

COLIN MURRAY PARKES OBE, MD, FRCPSYCH, DL

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Copyright 2016 by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka

This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health, or other competent professional before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Atria Books hardcover edition April 2016

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Interior design by Kyoko Watanabe

Jacket design by the Book Designers

Author photograph by Michael Gold/ The Corporate Image

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Doka, Kenneth J.

Grief is a journey : finding your path through loss / Dr. Kenneth J. Doka.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Grief. 2. Death. 3. Loss (Psychology) I. Title.

BF575.G7D638 2016

155.9'37dc23

2015014071

ISBN 978-1-4767-7148-9

ISBN 978-1-4767-7153-3 (ebook)

To my son, Michael, and my daughter-in-law Angelina and my grandchildren, Kenneth (Kenny) and Luzelenia (Lucy) for the joy, support, and unconditional love they freely givedaily

W hatever you lovewhether a person, a pet, or even an objectyou may one day lose, for loss is a universal occurrence. And when you lose what you love, whether by separation or death, you grieve that loss; so grief, too, is a universal experience.

Yet, while the experience of loss is universal, the reactions to that loss are as distinct and individual as you are. Everyone grieves each individual loss in a unique way.

That fact is paradoxically both troubling and comforting. Troubling, since you want certainty: What can I expect in grief? When will these feelings and reactions end? What is normal? But comforting, too, because it accounts for the wide range of reactions you may be experiencing, and it reminds you that, just as each relationship is unique, so is each loss. Your own reactions have no less worth or validity than those of others around you.

Yet you still wish for a guide, and Grief Is a Journey offers that guide. Its opening chapters explore the many myths that trouble you as you grieve, and other chapters explore the varied reactions you may experience, as well as the factors that influence the particular manner of your grief.

This book affirms that as you go forward, you are going to retain a part of the one you have loved. It affirms that grief is truly a journeyas lifelong as your loveand it shows that you need not journey alone, or without hope.

It has been eight months since Vickys husband died, and Vicky is very confused by her own grief. In the first two months she seemed to be coping so well, but in the past six months she feels worsenot better. She cries often and is short-tempered at work and at home. She is angryangry at her husband for not taking care of himself; at friends who are not attentive; and even at her children, who are pressuring her, as she says, to suddenly get better.

Brian is grieving the loss of his son. He thinks of Shay often and lovingly plans an annual carnival in his young sons memory. But his wife, Marla, worries that Brian has not dealt with his grief because he has never cried or talked about his feelings.

Steve is mourning the death of his lover. He misses him terribly. They spoke dailysharing events and offering advice. Though it has been over a month, Steve still picks up the phone and begins to dial Henry and expects to hear Henrys voice when the phone rings. He wonders if he is going crazy.

So does Carla, who is mourning her brother. She and her brother both were married and had kids, and they often socialized together, even vacationing as families. It seems so unfair that her brother died so young, only in his forties. But Carla resents everyone who asks how Johns wife and children are doing. What about my grief? she says.

Though their losses and reactions are different, all of these people share a common experiencean experience that each one of us will encounter during our lifetime. They are grieving. Grief is the price we pay for love.