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Table of Contents

To Sara, Oscar, and Dick Wolf

Introduction

Everyone needs to eat. I once heard of a man who baffled scientists with his reputed ability to forego eating for years on end, and well, that man is dead. And I cant imagine a less fun party guest. Some people say its a drag to have to feed yourself, but plain and simple, those people are douchebags. But you, lover of all things gastronomic, you are a special breed. You possess the innate knowledge that feeding yourself, in addition to being a necessary activity, can be a hell of a lot of fun. But there is a dark side to being so wholly knowledgeable and handsome: choice. Choice, yes fucking choice: its the cold bitch that stands between you and food coma. When I created the What the Fuck Should I Make for Dinner website (www.whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com), it was not out of benevolence. No sir or madam: it was out of malice for choice (did I mention choice is a bitch?), who, on many occasions has left me crying, shaking uncomfortably in the corner of my apartment, hungry and confused. And so, with this book, like the website, I hope that I can silence the voices in your head, even if only for a night, and tell your indecisive ass what the fuck to make for dinner.

Lessen vegetables meat envy with some fucking

Kale with Bacon

6 bacon slices, coarsely
chopped
2 shallots, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 bunches kale, torn into
1-inch pieces
2 cups chicken stock
2 teaspoons mustard seed

Cook the bacon perfectly in a saut pan over medium heat. Do not fuck this up, or you will ruin the best part of the dish. Remember, without bacon this is just kale, and just kale can suck. When its perfect, transfer the bacon to some paper towels, and let it hang out while the adults are talking. Dont you dare even think about draining the fat from the pan.

Add the shallots and garlic to the pan and saut until tender, about 2 minutes. Add the kale, stock, and mustard seed, cook that shit for about 10 minutes, then lie to your kids about vegetables being not awful without the addition of meat.

Dont fucking like that?.......... Turn to page 10.

Dont fucking eat meat?......... Turn to page 90.

Honor the mighty pig god with some fucking

Prosciutto and Melon with Balsamic Glaze

cup balsamic vinegar
cup dark brown sugar,
packed
1 cantaloupe
2 tablespoons fresh mint
6 ounces prosciutto
Salt and pepper

Fucking buongiorno, epic pork and fruit dish. In a saucepan over high heat, bring the vinegar and sugar to a boil, then simmer until its syrupy as fuck. Cut big cubes from the cantaloupe and chiffonade the mint.

Arrange the cantaloupe on a plate, place a halo of precious pig meat product on there, and sprinkle the mint on top. Season that shit with salt and pepper, then spoon on the balsamic glaze.

Dont fucking like that?.......... Turn to page 48.

Dont fucking eat meat?......... Turn to page 18.

Its not cute when kids say pasghetti, so teach them to say, make, and eat some fucking

Bucatini with Tomato, Mozzarella, and Basil

1 pounds plum tomatoes
8 ounces fresh mozzarella
cheese
4 cloves garlic
cup fresh basil
3 tablespoons extra-virgin
olive oil
Salt and pepper
12 ounces bucatini

Dice the tomatoes and mozzarella and throw that shit in a bowl. Mince the garlic and tear the basil, and add them to the mix with the olive oil and salt and pepper to taste. Dont pussyfoot around the salt and pepper, unless of course you have an affinity for shitty food; then please, pussyfoot away.

Let the mixture sit for an hour. Cook the pasta in heavily salted water until al dente: thats Italian for not total shit. Then, add to the tomato mixture, toss, and serve.

Dont fucking like that?.......... Turn to page 32.

Not a fucking vegetarian?....... Turn to page 12.

Id say eat shit, but that wouldnt be helpful, so why dont you make some fucking

Braised Lamb Shanks

6 tablespoons extra-virgin
olive oil, divided
6 lamb shanks
Salt and pepper
3 ribs celery, diced
2 carrots, diced
1 large white onion, diced
5 sprigs fresh thyme
1 whole head of garlic,
cut in half crosswise
3 cups red wine
2 cups beef stock
2 cups chicken stock

Preheat your oven to 325F. Put a Dutch oven over high heat and add 3 tablespoons of oil. Season the lamb shanks with a shitload of salt and pepper, and add to the pan. Sear the shit out of the lamb shanks until they are browned all over and the fucking neighbors can smell them, but dont give them any. Remove the shanks for a few minutes. Add 3 more tablespoons of oil in the pot and add the diced celery, carrot, and onion. Cook them until theyre fucking soft and sweet, about 10 minutes. Add the thyme and garlic, and cook for 2 more minutes. Add the wine and both stocks, raise the heat to high, and bring that shit to a boil. Put the lamb shanks back in the pot, seal that shit with some aluminum foil or a lid, and put it in the oven. You didnt forget to preheat the oven did you? Goddamn right you didnt. Cook that shit for 3 to 4 hours, uncovering after an hour. Skim the fat, serve, and be hailed as a god or at the very least a demigod.

Dont fucking like that?.......... Turn to page 16.

Dont fucking eat meat? .....Turn to page 72.

Your indecision is truly disgusting, but I digress: cook up some fucking

Brisket

A brisket, about 6 pounds
6 large cloves of garlic,
minced
2 sprigs fresh thyme
2 sprigs fresh tarragon
2 sprigs fresh rosemary
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons extra-virgin
olive oil
4 large Vidalia onions,
roughly chopped
4 carrots, roughly chopped
1 cup beef stock
3 tablespoons tomato paste
2 cups dry red wine

Preheat your oven to 300F. Season your brisket on all sides with garlic, thyme, tarragon, rosemary, and a fucking shitload of salt and pepper. Add oil to a big oven-safe Dutch oven, and get that thing fucking hot. One step below, Whats that? Oh, its the smoke alarm hot. Add the brisket, brown it on both sides, about 4 minutes each. Then add the onions and carrots. Place everything in the oven uncovered for 1 hour. Now that youve got a fucking hour to kill, get a bowl and combine beef stock, tomato paste, and the wine. Whisk it until its smooth as balls, and add it to the pan after the hour. Cover the pan and cook for 3 more hours, plenty of time to enjoy the rest of the bottle of wine. When its done, slice it thin and eat it.

Dont fucking like that?.......... Turn to page 98.

Dont fucking eat meat?.......... Turn to page 8.

Eat my balls, and if that doesnt sound appetizing, try some fucking

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