Crawford - The Hungover Cookbook

Contents

A HANGOVER IS an opportunity to see and taste the world in a new way. Its a chance for spontaneity and whimsical thoughts and deeds. Try something different. Try enjoying your hangover rather than simply enduring it. Im going to show you how.

If it doesnt sound too grotesque to you in your weakened state, there is more than one way to skin a cat, and I will introduce to you the multi-faceted, subtle art of dealing with a hangover that goes far beyond the traditional British solution of chucking a full English at it.

And if you really cant be bothered an attitude, by the way, that I entirely understand just gobble some painkillers, drink some water, and head straight back to bed. But if youve got an appetite, then read on.

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. Those were Marie Curies words. Im not sure whether she was thinking specifically about hangovers, but for the purposes of this book Ill assume that she was. You also do not need to be afraid as I will help you to understand your beleaguered condition and to overcome it.

The hungover brain has regressed. It has been beaten into a state of infantile dependence. But its that very state which suggests a chance at a break from the stale routines of adult life. This book aims to help you understand not only more about hangovers in general, but about your own individual hangover in particular. The process of discovery will be a glorious one: a hungover epiphany. That the road of excess will lead to the palace of wisdom might be a bit strong, but I hope that in some fun way your own individual egregiousness will help you to learn something and, most importantly, to feel a little better.

This book is a therapeutic cookbook, a gastronomic comedy, a burlesque homage to the possibility of snatching hope from failure, triumph from despair, laughter from tragedy.

Come; let us boldly step into this brave new world

Hangovers are slightly more complex than you might at first think.

The famous comic writer P. G. Wodehouse came up with what is surely the definitive classification of hangover types in his Jeeves and Wooster novel The Mating Season. According to Wodehouse, there are six hangovers in all: the Broken Compass, the Sewing Machine, the Comet, the Atomic, the Cement Mixer and the Gremlin Boogie.

Each hangover type has its own specific characteristics. And before its going to be possible to even think about tackling your hangover, you will need to work out what type of hangover you have. Bertie Wooster had his infinitely resourceful manservant Jeeves to help him get to grips with his morning-after wobbles, most often with his legendary pick-me-up drink that is discussed .

Unfortunately Jeeves is not at hand to help you. But Milton Crawford is at your service. And thankfully I have come up with a very short series of fun visual tests and a brief questionnaire that will help you to discover whether you are dizzy from the Cement Mixer or blown away by the Atomic.

VISUAL TEST

#01

Concept: Roger Shepard

How many legs does the elephant have?

a) ............... Do you think thats important when Im sinking into a mire of existential despair? Seven, perhaps?

b) ............... Im in too much pain to consider a question like this. But at first glance, two.

c) ............... What a funny picture. Has it got five legs?

d) ............... What?

e) ............... Yuk! Thats horrible. Whats wrong with that elephant?

f) ............... [unable to make a noise or even to fully open eyes]

VISUAL TEST

#02

Daer rdeaer,

It mghit aeppar at fsirt galcne taht tihs stenecne is raethr difclfiut to raed but it has been swhon, and pearhps you can aelrady see, taht as lnog as the fsirt and lsat leertts of a wrod are in tiher crreoct poonsitis tehn it soulhd be a ratelively strtforwaighard prositiopon for the rdeear to dphecier it, eevn if all the other ltteers are srablemcd. Tahts bsecaue redaers do not raed eervy lteetr wehn tehy raed a wrod; tehy sacn. Of curose this hpyoethsis no dbout rsets on the reaedr bneig in a cpaable state to raed an odinarry seenntce. And are you cpabale of eevn that at the mmeont, in your hoveungr sttae?

How long did it take you to understand this paragraph?

a) ............... I still dont understand it now; Im already tortured enough without you feeling the need to torture me further.

b) ............... About five painful minutes.

c) ............... Wow. How cool. Someone else had to explain it to me after half an hour but I see it perfectly now.

d) ............... As long as it takes to read an ordinary sentence. Dumb-arse.

e) ............... Reading regular text makes me want to vomit right now; that was like trying to read while standing on my head on a long bus journey. You disgust me.

f) ............... grrrreeuughh [unidentified grunting noise]

VISUAL TEST

#03

What is strange about this picture?

a) ............... Its utterly confusing. Its an impossible shape.

b) ............... The longer I look at it the more strange it appears and looking at it from different angles reveals different possibilities as to what it might be.

c) ............... Its a funny cube, isnt it like something by that Dutch mathematician.

d) ............... Through the fog of my leviathan headache I can still work out that this picture supports two valid interpretations of how it can be seen (two different types of cube) its deliberately ambiguous and confusing, which is why it seems strange.

e) ............... Im going to be ill.

f) ............... I. Am. Still. Alive. I think.

VISUAL TEST

#04

How many black dots do you see?

a) ............... The whole page is full of black holes that I feel I may fall into at any moment.

b) ............... I cant tell whether the dots are dots or whether theyre prickly dot-sized pangs of pain in my head.