Barbara Cummins Tantrum - The Adoptive Parents Handbook

Copyright 2020 by Barbara Cummins Tantrum. All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the written permission of the publisher. For information contact North Atlantic Books.

Published by

North Atlantic Books

Berkeley, California

Cover illustration gettyimages.com/butenkow

Cover design by Jess Morphew

Book design by Happenstance Type-O-Rama

Printed in Canada

The Adoptive Parents Handbook: A Guide to Healing Trauma and Thriving with Your Foster or Adopted Child is sponsored and published by the Society for the Study of Native Arts and Sciences (dba North Atlantic Books), an educational nonprofit based in Berkeley, California, that collaborates with partners to develop cross-cultural perspectives, nurture holistic views of art, science, the humanities, and healing, and seed personal and global transformation by publishing work on the relationship of body, spirit, and nature.

North Atlantic Books publications are available through most bookstores. For further information, visit our website at www.northatlanticbooks.com or call 800-733-3000.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Tantrum, Barbara Cummins, 1973- author. | Tantrum, Barbara Cummins, 1973

Title: The adoptive parents handbook : a guide to healing trauma and thriving with your foster or adopted child / Barbara Cummins Tantrum, MA, LMHC.

Description: Berkeley : North Atlantic Books, 2020. | Includes bibliographical references and index. | Summary: The essential guide to parenting adopted and foster kidslearn to create felt safety, heal attachment trauma, and navigate challenging behaviors and triggersProvided by publisher.

Identifiers: LCCN 2020005390 (print) | LCCN 2020005391 (ebook) | ISBN

9781623175153 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781623175160 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Parenting. | Adopted childrenPsychology. | Foster childrenPsychology.

Classification: LCC HQ755.8 .T358 2020 (print) | LCC HQ755.8 (ebook) | DDC 306.874dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020005390

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020005391

This book includes recycled material and material from well-managed forests. North Atlantic Books is committed to the protection of our environment. We print on recycled paper whenever possible and partner with printers who strive to use environmentally responsible practices.

What is broken in relationship must be healed in relationship.

Dan Allender

A special thanks to my husband: my partner in crime and the one that actually suggested that I should write this book while we were on a date night.

And to my children: my pride, my joy, and my source of continued laughter and amazement.

My friends and family and their continued support even when you often think that were crazy.

And my colleagues, as we have done our work together, sharpening each other and supporting each other in the hard work that we do.

1. Yeah, its a little nuts, but thats the sort of thing you do.

My friend Jamie Henning, on finding we were taking in three refugee children while I was pregnant and finishing my masters, when I asked her if she thought I could do it. Its the encouragement I needed at the right moment.

M ake a place on your bookshelf for this book! Barbara Cummins Tantrums The Adoptive Parents Handbook covers the range of topics that are significant to raising children and teens after adoption or guardianship. Barbaras expertise is based on her successes as both a parent of adopted children and as a therapist who treats children and families.

The book is a pleasure to read. The author has a fresh, interesting writing voice. My favorite parts of the book, and there were many, included recounted conversations between Barbara, her husband, and her children. This was an enjoyable way to see into Barbaras home, absorbing the daily, practical use of the topics that she writes about.

This book is well-organized, which allows readers to find what they need without plowing through previous chapters. Her treatment of topics like trauma, regulation, attachment styles, sensory issues, racism, and identity are parent friendly. Most importantly, she provides scripts and straightforward advice for parental intervention. Her advice is written clearly, and is often numbered.

I have worked with children and families for over thirty years, but I still found many new suggestions within this book that will enrich my work. Barbara includes fresh insights on multiracial family identity, food, and sleep. She lays out processes for families that are reasonable to follow. I was pleased to find she discusses the topic of gender identity. Barbara provides helpful research and guidance on this essential issue.

Throughout the book, as she writes on topics that stem from childrens early life adversity, She gives examples that deepen the readers insight and sensitivity. Barbaras material will enable the success of families. She provides the stepping stones for a parenting path of compassion and competence.

Deborah D. Gray, MPA, LICSW Author of Promoting Healthy Attachments: Hands-on Techniques to Use with your Clients; Attaching Through Love, Hugs, and Play; Attaching in Adoption; and Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Trauma and Neglect

I wrote this book intending it to be the book I would have wanted to read when I was at the beginning of my foster-adoptive-guardianship journey. I have read so many dry and clinical books, or books written by people that seemed not to have a clue of what it was really like to be a parent, so I wanted to write something that was a little different. And so I wrote a book that was personal and informative, and I also tried to be a little funnybecause we all know that there are times that you have a choice between laughing and crying. But no book is a substitute for therapyif your family is having trouble, please get help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, get help for you too. Parenting a traumatized child is hard enough if your brain is fully functioning, but if your trauma is getting triggered too, it will be nearly impossible. Take care of yourself; secondary trauma is no laughing matter.

I wrote this book to be able to be read cover to cover if you so choose, but also you can pick and choose chapters as you wish as well. This book is also meant to be partially triageidentifying where there might be bigger problems to tackle and where you might need to do more research; or maybe its an area where a chapters worth of info is enough. To be honest, I could easily write an entire book about most of these chapters (and for some of them, someone has). So look around and explore as you need to do it. No issues with food and sleep? Count your lucky stars and skip that chapter. Food and sleep are your daily struggle and major issue? Skip ahead! However, they might revoke my good-therapist badge if I didnt say that it is mandatory that everyone read the self-care chapter. I know youre tired of hearing about it, but trust me that foster and adoptive parents are so good at taking care of others wa-a-ay before they take care of themselves. Please promise me youll at least take a look at it.

Lets dive in!

I clearly remember the moment that I realized I was in over my head. I have always been an expert at projecting confidence, and when I announced that we were taking in a sibling group of three refugee children from the Democratic Republic of Congo on top of our three-year-old bio-child and the thirteen-year-old daughter from Ethiopia we already had, people thought we were strange, but it wasnt completely out of character for our family. Even though I was finishing up my graduate degree in counseling and soon afterward realized I was unexpectedly pregnant, my unsquashable optimism shut down any naysayer that came our way. The girls came, I somehow finished my degree and my internship through the dizzying nausea and an almost comical level of unpreparedness, and then my son came, bringing our total family number up to eight. We have crazy stories from that time; stories of hijinks about raising kids that got off an airplane not speaking a word of English, and more serious stories of difficult behavior and tears and so much misinformation. But through it all, I was going to survive and we were going to make it.