Table of Contents
Acknowlegments
ONCE MY GIRLS no longer allowed me to turn daily experiences into life lessons, I was forced to take pen to paper to share my wisdom and worldview with anyone who would listen. These words are for you, my sweet, brainy, and beautiful daughters, Allie and Julia. To my husband, Warrenforever bewildered by all the bitches in his lifethank you for your support and your patience as I disappeared for weeks on end. To my mom, Ruth, may she rest in peace, for her tender heart and bestowing the gift of recognizing the important things in life; although we grew up without money we never felt poor. Thank you to my brother Robert for encouraging me from the very startyou were the bitchs first cheerleader and an easily amused (and amusing) reader; and to my dad and sister bitchesBev, Gail, and Debfor your gift of humor.
Sarah Braunstein, my teacher, reader, adviser, and friend, I will forever be in your debt for your wise help and counsel that allowed me to complete this book. Thank you to Tracy Bernstein, my editor, for your light touch and clear guidance. To my agent, Alanna Ramirez at Trident Media Group, for believing in this project and for your carefully thought-out advice. I am so appreciative of the help from my all-things-book-related-adviser and friend Jan Constantine.
For encouraging me to pursue my passions and for her kindhearted friendship, I am deeply grateful to Barbara Pizer, as well as to my dear friends Linda Glassman, Marty Wallace, Carol Efron-Flier and Nadine Bernard Westcott, for your patient listening to all my drama and kvetching. To my old friend and gifted plastic surgeon Dr. Leonard Miller, for your time and knowledge. To Hacin and Associates-David Hacin, Kate Kelley, and Jenn Clappfor thoughtfully sharing your design perspective. Thank you to everyone on my e-mail list who wrote back with your budget tips or answered my existential queries about why you traveled and why you lusted after those crippling Manolos. And, of course, to Polie, my faithful little mandaily he sat perched in my lap critically watching the computer screen to make certain I stayed on budget.
Bitches on a Budget is dedicated to Karen Conner, who began this book with me.
Introduction
WELCOME, BITCH!
FOR YEARS YOUVE been hearing the message that youre entitled to a future thats nothing less than fabulous, a steady parade of five-hundred-thread-count sheets, French Burgundies, and Jimmy Choo shoes (with matching bags, of course). You witnessed the tech boom, the biotech boom, and the luxury-market boom, and you contributed with label-loving glee. You watched smugly as your stocks split and the value of your real estate seemed to double overnight. Even after the fed chairman warned you of irrational exuberance, you kept charging on those credit cards, continued lusting for that gas-guzzling SUV, that bigger house, that first-class jet trip to Fiji. But we all know what happens when you fly too close to the sun: a meltdown. Lehman Brothers disappeared, stock markets tumbled, and the housing bubble burst. The money pushers hid under TARP funds, and General Motors went bankrupt. Whether youre a soccer mom in Dallas, a new teacher in Chicago, a retired accountant in Los Angeles, or a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe swilling cosmos in your Soho loft, you now have a problem: How do you live a stylish life during the greatest economic downturn of your generation?
OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS
THE ANSWER IS right at your woefully unmanicured fingertips: Bitches on a Budget: Sage Advice for Surviving Tough Times in Style is the guide for women who want to look, feel, and live rich when the economyand their pocketbookis in the toilet. Face it, good times or bad, there are just some things a bitch shouldnt live without (stilettos, Prada, booze), and were here with the inside scoop on how to get it all for less. Well also show you how more is not always better, and how little can feel more satisfying than bigwhen used in just the right way.
Trust us, we know what ails you. Youre not the first person to shred your credit card statements before opening them! Sure, these are scary times. What will life look like without our monthly cut and color, weekly nights out, and pricey health club? More important, what will we look like? All the rules are changing. These days youre not sure what to order at the bar, what to drive, or where to go for your escape (and, bitch, we all need to escape sometimes).
Dont give up. Dont hide your head (yes, we know the trailer-trash roots are showingwell help with that, too). Its time to come out and have fun again. Whatever your bank balance, Bitches on a Budget offers you the strategies you need to retain style dignity and avoid succumbing to soul-deadening bad taste. Well help you cast out the excessive (say good-bye to big boob jobs and hand-rubbed Kobe beef) in order to make room for the chic and affordable clothing, food, destinations, decor, and entertainment of a modern era. Well teach you the tricks of the trade so you can get the truly fabulous things every bitch lusts forbut at bargain prices. Well guide you back to the simple things that once made a bitch happygood sex, yummy food, fun with friends, and, of course, affordable, amazing shoes. Think of us as your fashion guru, grooming adviser, travel agent, home decorator, therapist, sommelier, and life coach all rolled into one.
BUDGET IS NOT A DIRTY WORD
FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY IS like monogamy ... if you think its boring, youre doing it wrong. Since when has budget been a dirty word? After all, were not talking chastity belts, abstinence rings, knee-jerk denial. Think of budget as just another way to say edit. The key to good living is in using your limited resources wiselywell show you how to hitch your mind to that little lust engine thats driving you. The end result? Youll make smarter shopping decisions. Bargain buys will replace designer labels as your new badge of honor. Besides, since you want to be a good green citizen of the world, its time to stop consuming everything in your path. (Nothing is less attractive than a bloated bitch.)
BE A BITCH, BITCH
BITCH ISNT A bad word, either. Were proud to be modern women. Women who know what we want and arent afraid to get it; women with the sense to edit the good from the bad; women who choose to live with style and with conscience. Independent women who say what we think, are in touch with our femininity, and know how to enjoy our pleasures. Hell, we make less than men do by the hour, yet work harder and produce more value (just think about it: Can they have babies?). Its time to stand proud, bitch.
Remember, few things stay the same. Prices change, Web sites come and go, even big car companies fold. However different the world may look in six months or six years, the core of our advice remains simple and steadfast. A modern woman is an educated woman: She never stops learning, never stops loving, and never stops lusting. There are no sacred cows on our journey to living a better life for less. So sit back, relax, get ready to laugh, grab a scotch (if youve opened your IRA statement, you know a cosmo just isnt going to cut it anymore), and start reading.
Chapter 1
Shopping Out of the Apocalypse
YOUR STOCKBROKER IS out on his window ledge. Your banker doesnt return your calls. Worse yet, youve got to avoid Mike in human resources because you owe his daughter $15 for Girl Scout Cookies. Its bad out there. All you want to do is take an Ambien, crawl under a rock, and hope someone wakes you when its over.
