Birnbaum - Life begins at 60: a new view on motherhood, marriage, and reinventing ourselves

Copyright 2016 by Frieda Birnbaum

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be address to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks or Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation.

Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover photograph Domenic Croce

Central insert photographs reprinted with permission.

ISBN: 978-1-5107-0825-9

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-0827-3

Printed in the United States of America

To Jaeson, Alana, Ari, Jaret, and Josh.

CONTENTS

EDITORS PREFACE

A FTER GIVING BIRTH TO TWINS JOSH AND JARET through IVF at sixty years old, Frieda Birnbaum became a household name. The doctor who delivered the twins in Hackensack, New Jersey, alerted the media and soon she was being interviewed on a host of daytime talk shows. Right away, the happily married New Jersey therapist dubbed the grannymom received a mixed bag of comments from viewers, readers, and people in her community.

Many questioned her decision, calling her selfish (and worse). At the same time their curiosity was piqued: was it even possible to give birth that late in life? Journalists described her as well-coiffed in her post-birth photo (really, Frieda later confided, she had just taken a toothbrush to her hair in that hospital bed) and whispered about a need for attention; was this lady for real? Was she desperate, for some reality show or just our attention, and did she even know what she was doing? Was this blonde clueless?

Others, less offended by the telegenic grannymom, were curious: could pregnancy be maneuvered in ones forties and fifty and at ages well beyond sixty? How could others follow in Friedas footsteps, and if it were as easy as she made it seem, would this change the game for women regarding not just motherhood but also dating, marriage, career, and personal development in general?

Nine years ago, when she became the oldest mother of twins in the entire United States, she wasnt sure how her story would turn out. But now, the answer is surprising her.

Among the main criticisms lobbed at the sixty-year-old Frieda Birnbaum: she would lack the energy that new mothers implicitly have, which all babies deserve. She would be tired. She would be overwhelmed by babies and then young childrens demands, which she would not be able to meet, thus cheating them out of a normal life.

* * *

Frieda is a psychotherapist who sees patients in her home office. The home itself is cavernous and tasteful, with a big backyard. And yes, its enviable by anyones standards; these twins, ensconced in leafy Saddle River, New Jersey, live across the street from Wyclef Jean and a stones throw from other celebrities seeking the ultimate in comfy suburban life. Josh and Jaret have a salamander, a newt, a snake, and a small dog.

Frieda herself is always doing a million things at once. At sixty-nine, shes a surprising motherbut shes not only that. She gets involved, for instance, in local politics. At her synagogue, she gives poignant and animated speeches about her parents and grandparents, who narrowly escaped being murdered in the Holocaust. Quietly confident and a good listener one-on-one, Frieda somewhat paradoxically relishes telling stories for an audienceespecially when she thinks she can help them with some aspect of their life, illuminate a part of a shared Jewish past, and open their eyes in some insightful, even motherly, way. Its the same on the radio: several times a week, she calls in to regional broadcasts around the United States. She is asked to comment on whichever events are trending: the Duggars, Hillary Clinton, Bill Cosby and his string of alleged assaults. She is famous for defying the motherhood odds, but she doesnt talk about the that when shes being interviewed on New Yorks WPIX11 about current events; instead, shes sharing advice as a storyteller, and as a psychoanalyst with decades of experience advising clients on the exact same subject for which shes come under scrutiny: the family dynamic, and how to fine-tune it. How to keep spice in the marriage, or more importantly, how to retain your spouses respect as years pass. How to be thereto really be therefor ones children, and how to advise and support them in todays world, where bullies abound and it is harder and harder to be a kid.

Not everyone has a spare ten thousand or two lying around for egg-freezing, but nonetheless, its heartening to think that reproductive medicine may be able to offer an alternative to living in fear of a ticking biological clock. And if there is anyone suitable for breaking the mold of motherhood and thoroughly updating the world grannymom, then it is Frieda Birnbaum. For not only has Frieda raised twins born when she was sixty: she also reinvented her career and breathed new life into her marriage. And if you were to ask her what her proudest achievement has been since turning sixtyan age when many New York-area wives start thinking of Miami Beach shuffleboard and water aerobics, with occasional visits from grandchildrenI know how shed answer. Her mission has been to get out her message, loud and clear: family issues can be overcome, with compassion and the benefit of wise hindsight; the worlds biggest issues (on which shes often asked to comment, nowadays), like the pernicious spread ISIS or the question of who our next President will be, can be broken down and understood by contemplating the real people involved; and at the individual level, we should never, ever let anyone tell us no in the face of our dreams.

It works out well, on top of all this, that Frieda Birnbaums most treasured message is one she embodies perfectly: do not fear growing older. Unsurpassed energy, the brainpower to embrace a new career, a new view on your husband or wife, or best friend, or yourself a louder, prouder voice a glamorous new look and just plain excitement: you can wake up to all these things any morning, at any age. And as long as you refuse to fear age, then it will only get better and better from here. I have to believe that, anyway. After all, Frieda Birnbaum and her family are living proof.

PART I

MOTHERHOOD AND MORE:
MY FAMILYS STORIES

A Birth Heard Round the World

E IGHT YEARS AGO, WHEN I LAY IN A HOSPITAL BED PREPARING to give birth, all the major news outlets I could name were enthralled by the idea of reporting it. No wonder: I came with a superlative, a key word ending in est: at sixty, I was the oldest woman in America to give birth to twins.

The birth went well, and my husband and I brought the boys home. The weeks that followed were full to the brim as I juggled the elation of holding babies with the chaos of changing two diapers. Amid the newborns crying fits, giggles, and burps, something familiar replayed on a loop in my brain: peoples criticism.