Dunn - Bad with money: the imperfect art of getting your financial sh*t together

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ALSO BY GABY DUNN

I Hate Everyone But You: A Novel (with Allison Raskin)

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Copyright 2019 by Gabrielle Dunn

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Interior design by Alison Cnockaert

Cover design by Na Kim

Cover photography Bernard Jaubert/Getty Images

Cover photograph of Gaby Dunn by Doug Frerichs

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018028176

ISBN 978-1-5011-7633-3

ISBN 978-1-5011-7634-0 (ebook)

Heres the big secret about money: No one knows anything. Despite the endless shelves of books and countless articles about money, despite the cadre of TV shows and seminars and podcasts (including my own) teaching you how to budget and cut expenses and invest and buy a home, the reality is that no one knows anything definitive about finances. Not even the experts. Especially not the experts. Sorry to ruin everything.

What we call money media is mostly made up of very confident guessers who are super good at conveying those guesses in an entertaining way. Think about the big TV showboaters like Mad Money s Jim Cramer or that goddess of blazers, Suze Orman. The folks who blow air horns at people who make poor money decisions. They wear funny hats and big sunglasses as they tell that you cannot afford the new car you need so you can get your kids to school. They grin as they condemn you for not starting a retirement fund when you were in kindergarten or for not being able to predict which stocks would go down when you first invested ten years ago. (Or heaven forbid, not investing at all!) I promise that as hot as I might look in a light-up sombrero, I wont be using those tactics here.

Im telling you in black and white right now, I am not a money guru. I do not hold the key to the magic castle, and there is not a winning lottery ticket wedged inside these pages. So why read this book? Because I just admitted that publicly. In the introduction. Because for the past several years, Ive been trying to demystify personal finance so that it becomes less scary and overwhelming for all of us, including me, and I want you to join me in that pursuit. I know what its like to start from below ground zero with this stuff, so Ill break it down without assuming you have all of this preexisting knowledge and terminology in your back pocketand without shaming you for not knowing everything about something most of us were never taught to begin with. What I am offering is imperfect, and it will not solve everything, but you will learn some things that might really help you. I promise not to be boring or patronizing or offensive or manipulative along the way. I cant promise I wont put on big sunglasses at some point, but this is a book so you probably wont see them.

Welcome to the first honest conversation about money youve ever had.

As Ive learned through my Bad with Money podcast and the reactions to articles Ive written on my own money foibles, my willingness to admit what I dont know is apparently rarerarer than I thought when I started my imperfect journey of openly sharing my problems with money. It turns out that no one wants to talk about money. Not the rich. Not the poor. Not anyone in between. (Which, by the way, makes you a hero for picking up this book. Quick! Buy it and run somewhere private to read it!)

In the first episode of Bad with Money , I asked random patrons at a coffee shop two questions. First was, Whats your favorite sex position? Everyone was game to answer that one: reverse cowgirl, missionary, 69. (Im kidding. No ones favorite is 69.) Even the barista jumped in with an enthusiastic doggy style! I heard it all. Then I asked people how much money was in their bank accounts. Everyone was horrified. Thats a very personal question! I heard amid gasps. People probably would have rather showed me their browser histories. (And to be honest, I would have liked to see them! Im a perv!)

Clearly, money is a subject no one wants to dissect. So lets start this book by addressing the first big obstacle I faced when confronting my own money issues: stigma. Stigma, other than being a term for the sexy parts of a flower, is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary as a strong feeling of disapproval that most people in a society have about something, especially when this is unfair (youll hear that word a lot in this book, because FINANCE IS RIGGED AF). Stigma stifles the flow of information about something so essential to our lives and it leads us to the three buzzkill Musketeers: Shame, Embarrassment, and Anxiety.

In a world where talking about money is considered taboo or tacky, money problems are personal failings, and no one wants to hear us complain. Its no wonder that we find ourselves confused and struggling, in need of someone to blow an air horn in our faces. We have to open up about our experiences with moneythe good, the bad, and especially the ugly. Otherwise theres nothing specific to learn. In fact, if you listen closely, youll notice that so-called money experts hardly ever use exact amounts. Speaking in specifics is risky, but speaking in platitudes appeals to broader audiences.