Elium Don - Raising a Son

We are extremely grateful to our clients, colleagues, friends, and families who, in our workshops, classes, parenting groups, and in Dons private practice, shared personal accounts of their experiences with us. To protect their privacy, names, anecdotes, and case histories have been changed and, in many instances, woven together. We acknowledge and are indebted to those whose courage to tell their stories allow us all to benefit from their tragedies and triumphs.

Copyright 1994, 1996, 2004 by Don Elium and Jeanne Elium. All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com

Celestial Arts and the Celestial Arts colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data:
Elium, Don, 1954
Raising a son
by Don Elium and Jeanne Elium
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-78576-3
1. Parenting. 2. Boys. 3. Fathers and sons. 4. Mothers and sons.
I. Elium, Jeanne, 1947- . II. Title.
HQ777.E45 1992
649 .132dc20

91-42856

v3.1

Gratefully dedicated to our children,
Heidi Ann Dunbar and Matthew Guy Elium,
our greatest spiritual teachers

Ten years have passed since we first wrote Raising A Son. Our own son is now growing into manhood, and many other fine books about boys have joined ours on bookstore shelves. Over the past decade, our readers have grown from mostly moms to include lots and lots of dads, and we are grateful for their questions, insights, and perspectives about being male and raising boys.

Peter Beren, our agent, Veronica Randall, our editor, and the crew at Celestial Arts/Ten Speed Press are experts in the proper care and feeding of unpredictable authors, and our gratitude and love are unlimited!

We continue to miss David Hinds and Lew Powers, whose wisdom and loyalty still touch our hearts and remind us that the power of integrity and character extend beyond physical boundaries.

There is no way to adequately thank the many, many people who support us and our work and recommend our books to others: friends and co-therapists Audrey Silverman Foote and Bruce Silverman, Waldorf parent and author Pamela Fenner, Jeannes mother Ruth Guy, Dons clients and co-workers, our workshop audiences, and our readers.

F OREWORD
The Quest for A New Humanity

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.

T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

T here is room for debate about how far our economy and technology will take us. The immediate future for our sons is clearly marked, however. No longer can we afford to live, every man for himself. Men, alone, cannot continue to believe that they hold the world on their shoulders. The task is too great, and we are losing them to alcoholism, drug abuse, violent crime, illness, and early death. Never before in human history have we faced such an opportunity for growth. Men are no longer masters of the world of work, and women no longer own the world of the home. Humans, both male and female, are challenged to stretch to our full sizeassuming the proficient skills of the hunt and the nurturing ways of the hearth. Nothing less than strength, boldness, a sense of adventure, insight, courage, and leadership joined with gentleness, sensitivity, caring, kindness, and understanding will see us into the future. Let us not make the mistake of simply trying to make our sons more feminine; we must parent to channel all their gifts into serving life.

It is time to teach boys to love women and to strengthen the mother-son bondthat vital link which teaches caring for others and loving themselves. Having fathers become full partners in family life provides sons with new models of male nurturing and love. Learning to cook for their families offers a perfect metaphor for teaching boys to care for a larger society, with all its needs, ills, differences, and values. How would a sons vision of manhood change if he saw movies, TV programs, newspaper stories, and ads about boys and men cooking for their families, bathing babies, planting trees, and settling disputes peacefully?

Single mothers can raise good boys, and all parents need the help of an entire village to grow boys into healthy men. Parents must reassume authority in the raising of sons. The responsibility to be firm-but-kind leaders of their growth and behavior is ours. We must require boys to lift, tote, build, and to cook, serve, and clean up. Through these tasks they learn the skills of listening and seeing through anothers eyes. They master the craft of leadership in all its broad aspects. They discover the wonders, excitement, and pride of accomplishment in the Huntthe world of work. They savor the joy and sense of belonging at the Hearththe world of home and relationship. They learn how important it is to spend time alone, to listen for guidance, and to replenish their spirits.

A new humanity is awakening, where little boys do not have to cut off parts of themselves to fit the cultural expectations of what it means to be a man; where men can fully feel and express their feelings without shame or fear of being seen as weak; where boys no longer have to sever their ties to their mothers and distance themselves from their families to become men; where fathers instinctively care for their babies; where women and men work equally, side-by-side in partnership, each valued for their unique gifts; where boys learn to solve human problems through love and care rather than violence; where boys learn to love women, to cast aside misogyny and the objectification of females; where boys reclaim their connection with Nature; where boys feel responsible for the welfare of the whole.

An old king was challenged by his enemy to a test of wits, the loser giving up his kingdom to the winner. His enemy won the right to choose the game. Oh, King, he bellowed. In the hand behind my back I hold a dove. Is the bird alive or dead? The king immediately realized his predicament. If he answered, Alive, his enemy had only to tighten his hand and kill the dove. If he answered, Dead, he would merely open his hand, and the dove would fly free. Everyone tensely awaited the kings answer. The king replied, The decision of our life or death lies in your hands.

Source unknown

As we move beyond independence to an inter-dependence based not on gender roles but on needs, we help boys grow into a new and healthier manhood. The development of a new, more compassionate humanity is in our hands.